Three Guys in Sadomasochistic Relationships With Their Cybertrucks
Has there ever been a more gripping yet inexplicable cult of personality than Elon Musk?
He’s unlikable to the point that, were it not for his money, he’d be shunned by society and become a weird homesteader out of necessity. Thanks to some early investments in pretty cool technology, though, a certain kind of nerd has surgically attached themselves to him in the belief that, if this black hole of charisma can make it to the top, so can they.
That’s probably why, as that pretty cool technology begins to fail, Tesla customers refuse to give up, even as its stupidest product, the Cybertruck, has begun to eat them alive.
The Guy Who Slashed His Leg
The Cybertruck Owner’s Club forum is full of people both hyping up their rides and warning each other about new and potentially dangerous defects as they continue to arise with alarming frequency. Recently, they learned about a particularly bloody one when a user by the name CyberWade cautioned, “Be careful when closing your Cybertruck door!” alongside a photo of the nasty gash that sent him to the hospital for stitches after it clipped his leg. Still, he insisted that, “I’m clumsy, so this is 100% my fault,” and “I still love the truck!” with the devotion normally reserved for one’s leather daddy.
The Guy Who Broke His Finger
A particular sticking point, quite literally, with the Tesla fanboys is the sensor meant to prevent the Cybertruck’s trunk (we refuse to call it a “frunk”) from closing when there’s something potentially sensitive in the way. Tesla YouTuber (yes, that’s a whole type of guy) Joe Fay tested it out on camera by closing the trunk on his finger, but when viewers accused him of rigging it, he redesigned the experiment for better transparency and ended up breaking his finger. This time, he first tested it with a stick, which promptly snapped off, and then stuck his finger in it anyway, so it’s possible that was the goal.
The Guy Who Can’t Stop Putting Body Parts in the Trunk
Fay was actually responding to a trend started by Jeremy Judkins, the first brave TesTuber to sacrifice an appendage to the Cybertruck. But with genius comes madness, and Judkins appears to have become addicted to crushing things in the Cybertruck’s relentless maw. He’s made several videos putting it to work on various types of phallic vegetation, a mayonnaise bottle (to make it squirt) and his own hot pink painted toes.
Let this be a lesson, nerds. Go too far down the Tesla rabbit hole, and you end up making niche fetish porn.
