Julie Bowen Agreed to Go Out With David Spade After He Got Tased By His Assistant

Julie Bowen knew David Spade was interested in possible romance back in the day. “This woman (who turned out to be Spade’s publicist) tracked me down,” she revealed on this week’s Fly on the Wall podcast. “I had a couple of calls from her: ‘David would like to talk to you. David liked you in this.’ And I was like, ‘Fuck that.’” 

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But the Modern Family star finally decided to give Spade the time of day when she was working out in her building’s gym early one morning, watching TVs with no sound on. The morning news delivered the shocker: “I see that (David) had been tased by Skippy.”

Host Spade groaned at this point in Bowen’s tale, but co-host Dana Carvey was delighted. “That’s a story we haven’t explored on this podcast!” he exclaimed.

So let’s explore it, too: For anyone who doesn’t remember, Spade was attacked one morning back in 2000 by his 300-pound pal and personal assistant David “Skippy” Malloy. In a bungled burglary attempt, Malloy snuck into Spade’s house, punched the still-sleeping comic, then zapped him with a Taser. (Malloy later claimed he was out of his mind on cocaine.) The robbery was thwarted when Malloy chased a terrified Spade out of his house. Spade stumbled his way back inside ahead of his weighty attacker and locked him out. Spade was injured, but the real pain was the humiliation of being battered and bruised by a man named Skippy.

Now back to Bowen. Intrigued by the reports of Spade’s beatdown, she searched for “that scrap of paper I wrote down from the publicist.” She found Spade’s number and called to ask if he was all right. The sequence of events seemed to surprise current-day Spade. “That’s why you called me?” he asked her on the podcast.

“I called him and I was like, ‘Hey, are you all right? I just saw you got tased by Skippy.’ And you said, ‘Now will you go out with me?’” Bowen responded.

And thus, a beautiful romance was born. Or something like that. Bowen at least got to know the real Spade when they were dating. “What everybody needs to know about David is that he’s the most sensitive, delicate flower who has low blood sugar,” Bowen said. “He has to carry around a little ratbag full of turkey and chicken. He wants to go and party but it’s like 6 p.m.” 

Despite Spade’s attempts to change the subject, Bowen had more low-blood-sugar stories to spill. “The greatest story that David ever told me was (about) hooking up with a girl when you were living out here,” she continued. “You weren’t on SNL yet, but you hooked up with some girl. You were so excited. You spent the night at her house, and you didn’t want to tell her about your low blood sugar. And you got up in the morning to go get coffee and you passed out in line waiting because your blood sugar was so low. And you were so embarrassed.” 

Move aside, Tim Meadows. David Spade is the real Ladies' Man.