Daniel Craig Bond Movies Ranked By Double 0 D-Baggery
"Who is the Best Bond?" is an echoing internet scream that will continue until we decide to retire this 60+ year film franchise. However, we're focusing on the latest 007, Daniel Craig, and his version of Bond here. Critically, his Bond films have generally favorable reviews compared to the others, but the real question is this: How much of a douchebag was James Bond?
We decided to take a peek at each of the films in the Craig canon and rank his portrayal of Bond based on his douche-level on a scale of 000 to 007. Naturally, expect spoilers for every movie mentioned ...
James Bond is reintroduced to us, but this time he's a fresh 00 agent that has to take down Le Chiffre, a private banker with a chronic bleeding eye that finances international terrorism. Bond is charged to beat him through the art of Texas Hold'Em poker because the game was popular on American TV in the early-to-mid-2000s. During the mission, he falls in love with treasury representative Vesper Lynd, who ends up betraying him even though he named a martini after her. The film also implies that a large sinister organization is at play and pulling all the strings. The film is riddled with little elbow-nudges of Bond tropes such as introducing himself last name first, being asked if he wants his drinks shaken, not stirred, and using sex as an interrogation method.
- Who's gonna clean up after Bond's 00 "audition"? That sink looked expensive! Flimsy, but expensive! Some poor sap is going to have to clean up that body and remodel the bathroom!
- At the end of the now-famous-yet-dated-still-awesome parkour chase scene, Bond didn't check up on his partner Carter. Sure, the kid was an idiot for touching his ear like every single Marvel Avenger does to communicate, but as the senior member of the assignment, he should make sure he's alive. At least send an Edible arrangement to his hospital room or something. Also, there were so many OSHA violations committed during that chase scene through the construction site, too. Did he really need to break a scissor lift to leave those workers stranded four stories up?
- Causing an international incident in Madagascar is not so much "cloak and dagger" spy work but more "white undershirt and explosive barrel." Plus, blowing stuff up is an American move, bud, not British.
- Breaking into your boss's apartment is creepy even if you're a spy, Jimmy boy.
- I know that dick thought you were the valet when you got to the hotel, but you didn't have to cause dents to all of the other vacationers' vehicles. On second thought, they're all one-percenters, so eff 'em. Douche-move retracted.
- Leaving Dimitrios' dead body in a busy museum is a different kind of educational discovery for children.
- Bond not going under a different name for the poker game is still jerkbaggy. People worked hard on that backstory and fake credentials! Plus, you know that even if Le Chiffre knows your actual name, that doesn't mean the rest of the table must know, too.
- Non-consensual kissing is a douche move, James, regardless of keeping cover.
- Le Chiffre is an asshole for so many reasons, but Bond didn't have to make fun of his bleeding-eye medical condition like I did.
- When Vesper is taking her holy-hell-I-just-killed-a-man shower, she's concerned about the "blood on my hands." Bond's response to provide comfort while she's numb and vulnerable? SUCKING ON HER FINGERS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CONTROL YOUR TRAUMA THIRST, JAMES!
- Bond going all-in with all the British money, losing, and calling his financier a "bloody idiot" with a physical threat is less "rough but passionate spy" and more "Daddy's hurting Mommy because of his gambling problem."
- Sinking an entire old Venetian building not only kills Bond's girlfriend but also has to piss off some Italian historical society somewhere.
D-Bag Score: 007
Quantum Of Solace
In the worst film of the Craig era, Bond goes on a rampage to avenge the death of Vesper/work out anger issues while uncovering the secrets of the mysterious organization dubbed "Quantum." He not only abuses his license to kill on Quantum members/terrorists/people he doesn't like, but he also has to evade MI6, who believe that Bond has gone rogue. In the end, Bond finds out that Vesper really was a victim caught up in all of this Quantum stuff and forgives her. Sort of. A pre-Stranger Things David Harbour is in this movie, too, sporting a glorious mustache. Oh, and a guy is forced to drink oil to quench his thirst in the desert.
- Bond did some considerable roof damage to a number of historical-looking buildings in yet another parkour chase scene at the beginning of the film.
- Hotels in Haiti have enough problems without you breaking the bejesus out of one of their rooms, James. I pity the cleaning staff that won't get tipped.
- During the boat chase scene, Bond steals a boat from a Haitian fisherman, destroying his livelihood, adding another mark to imperialism.
- Known tuxedo enthusiast James Bond had to steal a tux from some random waiter to sneak into an opera house. He also locked up and ripped the door handle off the only disability-friendly bathroom in the building.
- Every single interaction Bond has with Agent Fields treats her like a child, a sex object, or both, then she gets oiled to death. Then again, arguably the biggest crime against the character was giving her the first name "Strawberry."
- Bond dumps his friend Mathis' body into a dumpster. Just because "he wouldn't care" doesn't mean you shouldn't, you dick. The guy had a girlfriend who'd mourn him.
D-Bag Score: 004
- Someone is identifying undercover MI6 agents, and Bond has to stop him while also doing his version of Home Alone. On top of that, Javier Bardem plays an MI6 agent turned cyberterrorist that has mommy issues with Judi Dench. Arguably the best Bond film in the Craig canon.
- This time, instead of an opening scene with regular parkour, we get motorbike parkour! But in order to do so, Bond has to steal a motorbike from a civilian merchant when there were a bunch of cop motorbikes lying around.
- In the opening chase, I don't think Bond has a license to operate a construction vehicle, given that he destroys a few VW Beetles on a train with it. No car insurance agent is going to believe those claims.
- Associating M with "bitch” during the psych exam isn't cool. I mean, it's accurate, but it's still a douche move.
- James, if a woman caringly shaves your face with a straight razor, you say, "Thank you."
- Removing your earpiece into Moneypenny's champagne glass ruins both the tech and the drink. God, what a garbage coworker.
- At the end of the casino fight scene, I don't think it's a good idea for Komodo dragons to eat a whole person. It's not a part of their regular diet.
- It appears consensual, but Bond having sex with a sex slave while promising to kill her current "handler" still feels like a shady transaction.
- During the William Tell scotch scene, Bond could have fought off Silva and his goons before Sévérine gets shot but chose not to because …?
D-Bag Score: 005
Through lots of gunfire and disobeying of orders, Bond finds out that Quantum is just a subsidiary of the bigger clandestine terrorist organization known as S.P.E.C.T.R.E., much like how Pizza Hut is the spawn of the artery-clogging Yum! Brands. It turns out that all the villains in the previous films conveniently worked for S.P.E.C.T.R.E., so Bond decides to cut off the head of the multi-criminal branded snake (er, octopus) by targeting their leader, Franz Oberhauser (the delightful Christoph Waltz), who is definitely not Ernst Blofeld in a "Benedict Cumberbatch is totally not Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness, y'all" way.
Oh, and Oberhauser is not only responsible for creating S.P.E.C.T.R.E. but also every single bad thing that ever happened to Bond because Blof-- Oberhauser was jealous of Bond being his father's favorite when they foster brothers. Meanwhile, Bond falls in love with the daughter of one of the higher-up S.P.E.C.T.R.E. agents, Dr. Madeleine Swann (Léa Seydoux), and Moriarty from BBC's Sherlock tries to take over all of the intelligence agencies in the free world. Did you catch all of that? It's kind of a lumpy plot-convenient mess.
Also, Dave Bautista kills a guy with his thumbs.
- At the beginning of the film, Bond leaves a woman he's seduced alone in a hotel room, which is one of Bond's favorite things to do next to actually having sex with the woman he's seduced.
- Only James Bond can somehow destroy two buildings and leave several people potentially homeless with a single shot from a sniper rifle.
- A bottle of champagne doesn't make up for stealing a tanked-up Aston Martin from Q, James.
- Bond corners the wife of an assassin he killed. While this is hardly surprising for Bond given his reputation, at least this time, there isn't a decade-plus age gap in the sexual encounter.
- During a car chase, James nearly gave some random Italian driver a heart attack by pushing his car with the stolen Aston Martin, causing his airbag to deploy. I know he's trying to lose Bautista, but there's no need to bring civilians into this.
- I bet Bond didn't pay for that log cabin to be rebuilt after crashing a plane into it.
- Asking Q for another Aston Martin after you stole and destroyed the other one is equal parts baller/douchey.
D-Bag Score: 004
No Time To Die
This movie wraps up any loose ends from the previous movies with varying degrees of success. The main plot has Bond attempt to stop a nanobot-based bioweapon from being unleashed worldwide with some fan service beats, references, and final laps for many characters in the franchise along the way. The title is misleading, but given its nearly 3-hour runtime and the fact that it's Craig's last Bond movie, you probably already knew that.
- Bond smacks Valdo Obruchev on the ass to get him onto a plane.
That's kind of it. Bond does talk smack, but it's in response to smack or B.S. being spoken to him first. He's significantly less misogynistic and actually says "thank you" a great deal. Very little collateral damage to civilians in this movie, too. It's rather refreshing seeing Bond mature this much for his last hurrah.
D-Bag Score: 001
Top image: Eon Productions