Aliens are coming because it's just kinda that type of decade. There have been nine other Apocalypses; why not get this one over with too? We're not saying you need to run for the hills or start scanning the skies in dread, but that's mainly because this is all a bit misleading -- aliens aren't coming; they're apparently already here.

Let's start back in 2014 when a brave soul posted an in-depth explanation of alien abductions on Reddit -- the world's most trustworthy source!

screenshot of Reddit alien post

Reddit

Someone called "Jamie from Mythbusters" says it's BS, but she's never been abducted by aliens, what does she know? 

They explained that not only were aliens mostly benign (none of that probing, they just use a tool like "those things they take samples of the ocean floor" to rip pieces off your butt and back, which is just chill slumber party stuff) but that soon we'd all know about them. Since, according to them, on July 8th or 18th (listen, sometimes telepathic alien messages aren't the clearest) of this year, aliens are going to make themselves known in a massive and very undeniable way. 

The story is full of interesting features -- the aliens don't seem to want to eat or breed or take our resources, they've been studying us for years, they have odd accents (eight and eighteen sound like "aitee" when they brain-speak), one of them has a small scar on the right hand, they've been observing us for 20,000 years or so -- and the abductee doesn't seem scared, or threatened. Except, the last thing they wrote was, "No more questions. They are not happy with me. Sorry." And then disappeared from Reddit altogether. Which isn't horrifying in the least

screenshot of Reddit alien post

Reddit

They must have got abducted again. It's not like they'd just throw their account away. 

Well, don't worry, it's not like there's any credibility to this, right?

Normally we'd say no because it's a random Reddit thread, which kinda automatically makes whatever you say set off BS alarms. So this would just seem like an odd nonsense story ... except that in June 2021, a month before the Revelation is due to occur, it seemed like the rest of the world sat up and went, "Aliens? Oh, yeah, duh." Including Harvard ... 

Academia's Gray Matter

If you want to talk to the men whose business it is to know things about little green men, you go to the scientists. You got Harvard. And they say, "Yeah, sure, aliens are real, and we saw their Mazda." Which ... hold on, what?

1I/ʻOumuamua, imaged with the 4.2 meter William Herschel Telescope in the Canary Islands on 28 October 2017, is seen as a stationary light source in the centre of the image.

NASA

See that dot? Say hello to alien Mazda. 

The concept of science supporting alien life isn't that odd. For instance, SETI exists and has found numerous odd radio signals, many of which have been believed to be of full sci-fi film alien origin, including one rather recently emanating from Proxima Centauri. In space terms, it's close enough that you can see the remote, but not close enough you want to walk over to go pick it up. But there's a difference between hearing radio signals on the telephone and having a car crash into your living room. 

Enter Avi Loeb, a Harvard astrophysicist. Loeb wrote a paper for The Astrophysical Journal Letters about an unidentified object named 'Oumuamua -- found a year prior by a Canadian astronomer using a telescope situation on top of a 10,000-foot volcanic peak because science is truly kickass sometimes. Since 'Oumuamua, lacks a tail, or means of propulsion (along with other sciencey reasons including lack of solar winds and its "unusual chemical composition"), Loeb claims it's probably the "alien equivalent of an abandoned car," or, if not that, then just a full alien probe.

A butt plug bored for additional use as enema nozzle.

Helen4780/Wiki Commons

Uh, not that kind of probe. 

After quoting Sherlock Holmes' bit about whatever remains, improbable or not, being the truth (because scientists are above all nerds), Loeb argued that it had to be of an artificial and alien origin. After pushback, he went full mad scientist, ripping apart everyone's argument while comparing himself to Galileo. Which, all right, calm down, no one's locking you in a tower or making a terrible play about you.

Loeb seemed to believe 'Oumuamua was, like Clarke's Rama, a remnant of a civilization that, like us, invented weapons too dangerous to conceive of. That the answer to Fermi's paradox is that all those people blew themselves up -- but not before hurtling their used Civis through space.

Artist's impression of ʻOumuamua

ESO

All other scientists say it's just a rock, but they've never been abducted by aliens; what do they know? 

But if that's the case and all the aliens are dead, where will we meet them? The Great Wheel in the Sky, friends. That's right, it's Heaven for aliens -- or at least, that's what the Catholics believe ...

Jesus Is A Friend Of Thine (Thine Being Aliens)

Before dealing with the secular world, we all need to take a moment in silence to ourselves and ask WWJD. Sure, science and Reddit might be on the alien's side, but what does the Lord think? Well, turns out he might like these spooky space bitches more than you. While aliens still aren't confirmed to exist, their souls might be safer than yours. 

A digitally colorized pen & ink drawing of two grey aliens

MjolnirPants/Wiki Commons

Because when you anal probe, it's a sin, but for them, it's just how they say hi.

As Adam and Eve's original sin was a human thing, it turns out that human missionaries may not be needed to convert the three-fingered gray dudes. Which is good for them, I guess, but we miss out on all the wacky hijinks like the missionaries doing spacewalks, flirting with animal crackers, and never having to pay taxes, ever. 

Now, it does make sense that Christians would be among the groups most ready to accept extraterrestrial visitors. After all, their God came from the sky, floats, asks weird questions, is literally an alien in some versions of the story, and oh yeah, there's all the actual UFOs in the Bible already: burning wheels of fire, chariots of fire, pillars of fire, lotsa fire. Plus, all the insane descriptions of angels, the 100th anniversary of Fatima where the Sun fell from the sky, and even the Grigori -- angels who descended to Earth to have sex with women -- are all out of a terrible Outer Limits episode

Ezekiel's Wheel in St. John the Baptist Church in Kratovo, North Macedonia. Fresco from the 19th century.

via Wiki Commons

Angels actually look like this? Uh, we'll take our chances with the Greys. 

But what happened to make aliens seem believable? Was it general boredom? A more permissive Pope? Did everyone stay inside, so long aliens started to seem like a good idea? Well, part of it is a Vatican astronomer who came out to say he believes in little green men. He called aliens "extraterrestrial brothers" and implied to not believe in them would "place limits on the creative Freedom of God." Which, is ... do we have to believe in dragons now too?

Of course, he's not alone. The Society of Catholic Scientists, which sounds like the world's worst superhero team, is meeting to discuss what to do about these pesky visitors from another planet -- and whether or not AI have souls, but that's a topic for another article. Turns out, June is just a busy month for alien research and discussion.

Barack Obama: Alien Hunter

When Jimmy Kimmel had the former president on -- because who doesn't want to talk Jimmy, he's so charming and personable, definitely not the type to mock women on the street for being overweight while telling them about his boner, he's America's favorite boy! -- Obama was asked about aliens and managed to not just smile or wave it away

The Big O later talked to James Corden, and while he said there's no lab run by a sketchy dude designing Apple computers out of recovered alien tech, he did admit that there are things out there we just cannot explain. Ships that move with speeds and maneuverability that make more sense in a cartoon than in the world where weather balloons have been blamed for everything from UFOs to secret government experiments to neglectful parents. 

It's not just Barack Obama who is in the know. According to one former head of the Israeli Defense Ministry's space division, Donald Trump apparently knows the truth about the aliens. Both our most recent presidents were sitting on the truth, which means it's just a matter of time before Uncle Joe farts out the hidden truth about our extraterrestrial brothers (probably around the next time his sexual assault allegations pop up)

Joe Biden speaking about the Cancer Moonshot

White House

"Here's the thing you need to know. I've met the aliens, and their collarbones smell like lilac."

Of course, former presidents gobbling up whatever glory they can find is nothing new. What does our current government say about this? Well ... 

The Pentagon Papers

It all started in April 2019. Or July '69. Or '47. Or back in the Stone Age. Depends on your point of view. But April is when things started really gaining speed. Videos that had already been viral started to circulate more rapidly after the Navy confirmed them as authentic -- just as Navy pilots began to leak that there were more UFO sightings than ever

And they can't all be copter cats. 

Which led to the Senate undergoing an official briefing on UFOs and how aliens are already here. Because when dealing with a new president, the first woman VP, and one of the worst modern crises, why not take some time to blow off some steam? It's like the Ancient Aliens guy got elected God for a day.

How did this get slipped into Senate? Oh, it was part of the $2 trillion Coronavirus stimulus bill signed under Trump. Just kinda slipped in there right at the end -- give some money to poor people, continue to give much more money to the rich; also, can we talk about aliens now that the world is ending?

North wing of the Capitol, containing the Senate Chamber

Scrumshus/Wiki Commons

It was either that or voting on another resolution congratulating a college soccer team

Now, people in the military have been talking about UFOs being real for years, but always one-off 60 Minute interviews, quick little side-notes, not a full briefing to the Senate. And what's the briefing say exactly? Uh. Well, the thing is ... they're not saying aliens. That'd be ridiculous. They're saying there are crafts capable of maneuvering in speeds and with the kind of control that no spacecraft any civilization on Earth is capable of devising, and it's just, ya know, might ... ya know ... It's probably not aliens, though.

Unidentified Aerial Phenomena (because UFOs is too alien-y, most likely) is now the official term for more than 120 cases of unexplainable shit that has been found and shoved in a box labeled "I Hope It's Not Aliens." 

Impression of floaters against a blue sky.

Acdx/Wiki Commons

"I hope those weird floaty things on my eye aren't aliens too. But they might be."
 

The Unidentified Aerial Phenomena Task Force, which definitely doesn't sound like a sinister group from the twist ending of a Michael Bay movie, is the Pentagon's X-Files, the black ops of the nerd division, a group dedicated to researching this phenomenon. It was only officially acknowledged in 2017 and was officially closed down in 2012. But just like in any terrible mid-2000s action sci-fi, a few brave men kept researching for years afterward to present us with the startling truth: that aliens exist and regularly own our nation's bravest pilots. 

Yeah, turns out while we don't know exactly what these crafts are, we know what they like to do, and it's brutally mock our own inability to keep up with their definitely-terrestrial ships. These ships are just too fast, strong, smart, cool, fun, and sexy for our own to even compare. They fly circles around them, almost teasingly sometimes. It's the equivalent of a bigger kid holding a book bag out of a dweeb's grasp -- just taunting them for not being able to do as well. Even if aliens are benign or monstrous, we at least know they're relatable enough to want to diss some ROTC nerds

Of course, the entire reason the UAPTF exists is that they consider these UAP threats. Who wouldn't feel threatened after watching these mad lads' sick tricks?

Despite seeming to have no clear answer to anything (despite it being their entire purpose), the UAPTF is still going strong, and there's another meeting about aliens in Congress later this month. Maybe this time, the Pentagon will reveal what seven-year-old Reddit posts are true.

That or finally release a video that doesn't look like it was filmed with an Atari lightgun.

With the Vatican ready, Oreos laid out, the US Army gearing up to take them on, science on their side and our nation's leaders finally admitting the truth, isn't it time for aliens to finally take center stage and let themselves be known?

The world is ready and waiting with bated breath to climb onto our rooftops to welcome our new ... friends? Neighbors? Overlords?

Still from independence day

20th Century Studios

How'd that go for them again?

Still from independence day

20th Century Studios

Ah, well, we're sure it'll be fine -- can't be much worse than what's going on. Here's to July (1)8th!

Top image: CoolCatGameStudio/Pixabay

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