We Need A Brigid of Kildare Movie -- Ireland's Coolest Saint

We Need A Brigid of Kildare Movie -- Ireland's Coolest Saint

Brigid of Kildare is the patron saint of Ireland, milkmaids, and apparently not giving the smallest iota of a shit. She was the daughter of a slave and her master, who sent her mother away when she became pregnant, but Brigid was legally forced to be returned to him when she was 10. By that time, she'd already shown a propensity toward what could be politely termed reckless generosity, so rather than be crestfallen by her situation, she immediately started stealing and giving away all his shit. It got to the point that he took her to the king in an attempt to sell her, and while he was talking to the king, she swiped his fancy sword and gave it to a passing beggar. For some reason, rather than cut off her hands or whatever they did to thieves back then, the king was so impressed with her sense of charity and honestly probably her balls that he ordered her master to free her.

A few years later, when she decided to devote her life to God, her brothers were apparently grumpy that they wouldn't profit from marrying her off, so one of two things happened, depending on the legend in question. According to one story, one of her brothers taunted her, "The beautiful eye which is in your head will be betrothed to a man though you like it or not," so without hesitation, she calmly gouged her own eye out and responded, "Here is that beautiful eye for you -- I deem it unlikely that anyone will ask you for a blind girl," presumably before walking away in slow motion to the wails of an absolutely bitchin' guitar. In another story, she simply prayed that God would make her too ugly to marry, so He temporarily exploded her eyeball (she got it back after she became a full-fledged nun). That would make God ableist as hell, but man, imagine if you could just instantly uglify yourself. They would sell that shit at Target.

"Felt cute, might regouge later."

Brigid basically spent the rest of her life in the same charitable and misandric way, founding a monastery with her seven best girlfriends and even an art school. 

Everyone in Brigidland just made pretty jewelry all day when they weren't dancing around the garden and tending to the eternal flame, making her a real pre-cottagecore icon. She still performed the odd miracle but always in a uniquely Brigid way, like turning water into beer and proving the innocence of a woman accused of stealing a brooch by a man who wanted to take her as a slave and do God knows exactly what with her (which he could have done if she'd been convicted; the law was screwed up back then). She also performed essentially a God-approved abortion by making the fetus of a nun who'd broken her vows just disappear. Today, what is said to be her skull is on display at a church in Portugal, the traditional tribute to the jaw-droppingly badass.

Top image: Wolfgang Sauber/Wikimedia Commons

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