'Animals Are Returning' Stories Are BS
You might have seen on the news or through social media that, due to humans social distancing, dolphins and swans have begun to repopulate the canals of Venice. You might have also seen that, for much the same reason, elephants have started showing up in Chinese villages. If you haven't seen this yet, then let us show you because it's adorable.
"The animals have reclaimed nature. Hooray! We live in a Disney movie," you howl in glee. After all, these are the types of spoonful-of-sugar stories that serve to make the sobering reality of coronavirus go down a little bit easier. Except this news isn't sugar. It's Sorbitol... Or Sweet and Low. Whichever one gives you those weird farts.
Yup, time to take a big steamy dump in the good news punch bowl. But in fairness, Snopes beat us to the punch bowl, reporting that these dolphins are not even in Venice, but are off the coast of Sardinia -- a place where dolphin sightings are nothing new. The elephant photos are also more baloney, having nothing to do with coronavirus. Elephants do, in fact, sometimes wander into village farms. The photos aren't even current.
Now, we're not scientists here at Cracked. (A fact our legal dept. has sent us repeated reminder memos about.) So we can't say this with absolute certainty, but isn't it kind of crazy to think that an entire animal population would re-inhabit human spaces after only a few weeks of social distancing? Didn't it take at least a couple of years for it to happen in I Am Legend? Again, we're not scientists or Will Smith so who knows? Maybe give it another couple of weeks and tigers will start roaming the streets and eating their Tiger Kings. But, until that time, just remember that the dolphins haven't returned, the elephants are still endangered, and don't drink the canal water even if it looks cleaner, because it's still full of shit.
Dan is on Instagram @Cond0leezza_rice, and co-hosts The Bachelor Zone Podcast, where you can hear him give a sports-style breakdown of all things happening on The Bachelor. (If that's a thing that ever happens again.)
Top Image: Pixnio