Nice Try, Baby Sonic.

Nice try, Baby Sonic. You snuck into the public consciousness by way of a Japanese trailer and poster for the yet unreleased but already infamous Sonic The Hedgehog movie on the same day that The Mandalorian's final episode is released. We all see what you've done. You're trying to soak up some animal freak baby love in the void left by Baby Yoda. It's a clever ploy, truly. But alas, your tiny blurred nubby legs, adorable as they may be, are no match for one Baby Yoda three-fingered hand slowly, shakily reaching out to do some wicked force shit on a hapless stormtrooper.

You're trying too hard and it shows. When the internet rejected your looks, you radically changed yourself, hoping for acceptance. Ironic, considering that glomming on to another tiny infant critter's wildly popular coattails by slathering yourself in de-aging technology isn't a good look, either. What are you going to do now? Get the same animators who rebuilt you from the ground-up to make your baby incarnation even more adorable? Well, you can't. They were all laid off because they way they say "good job" in the language of the computer animation industry is by handing you a pink slip and kicking you in your most tender genitals.

You are adorable. Don't be mistaken. But when I look at you, I don't feel the "cute aggression" I feel when I see Baby Yoda. I want to squeeze him so hard that he's reduced to a spreadable pate perfect for holiday party Hors d'oeuvres . I'm not driven to violent madness when I look at you. I would not die for you, Baby Sonic. That, I'm afraid, is how high Baby Yoda has set the bar. I will kill for the leathery green bushbaby Star Wars puppet. You? You're a low-blood sugar temper tantrum, at best. Nice try, Baby Sonic, but you do not inspire mindless acts violence and are therefore no good.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com. Check out his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!