Dad was always dressed nice and had shiny shoes ...

McDonald's

Dad was great at sports ...

McDonald'sThere's being bad at sports, and then there's having an undiagnosed motor skill problem.

Clearly, he was nothing like this ugly hobbit we're stuck with. Then the pair arrives at a McDonald's for a quick bite, but instead of telling her son that his dad was a much better chair-sitter as well, she remarks that he was a fan of the very same Filet-O-Fish the kid has chosen.

McDonald's"Though he always got Sprite as his drink ..."

Finally, a link to his dead father. As he wipes the tartar sauce from his face and dreams of all the father/son moments he could've had talking about their shared love of breaded fish, his mother looks at him and finally realizes "Yes, thanks to this sandwich, they are exactly the same."

McDonald's"I was gonna leave you at the next fire station, but I think you can move into the main house when we get home."

For some reason, the British public wasn't a big fan of an advert exploiting the pain of widows and fatherless children to hawk buns filled with processed fish guts. McDonald's took the ad down and apologized for its tone-deafness. Then they made a commercial about how when you get right down to it, French fries are just like 9/11.

This ad for Jollibee (the Philippines' premier KFC knockoff) begins with a young lad setting up a Valentine's Day surprise. He's receiving instructions from his dad over the phone. It seems like the kid is going the whole nine miles for his middle school crush, as his dad tells him to smush rose petals on the floor and buy a dozen red balloons to signify his love. It's a lot more than the cardboard Batman we jammed into someone's locker at that age.

Jollibee"Wait, you've talked to this girl and have a relationship of some sort, right? Otherwise you're going to end up on a watchlist."

Then he's instructed to get a bucket of chicken, the international dish of love, because it's his "momma's favorite." Oh, so the dad is just using his son to do the legwork for his own Valentine's Day surprise? Dick move, right?

Jollibee"But Dad, I like breasts-"
"NO SON OF MINE PREFERS BOOBS! YOU'RE A LEG MAN AND THAT'S THE END OF IT!"

But then, the mood shifts. We see the mom, who's looking surprisingly haggard and sad -- and this is a fast food chicken ad, so we're already grading on a curve. When she enters her local Jollibee to get her chicken fix, she's then led to her Valentine's Day surprise upstairs.

JollibeeFast food restaurants frequently hide private dining rooms with breathtaking views for just such an occasion.

But the real surprise here is terminal illness.

Jollibee

Surprise! The dad's dying! Now who's up for some of those delicious thighs? Dying Dad announces that he won't be around for another Valentine's Day, but that from now on, their son will be her date. If she didn't know her husband's stance on her remarrying after his death, she sure does now.

JollibeeThe commercial skipped over the section about how to cut brake lines.

Then they eat the chicken, presumably in terrible, terrible silence.

Jollibee

The next year, instead of getting Christmas invitations, the family receives funeral announcements. Their father / grandfather / creepy uncle has died. Everybody is devastated.

EDEKA"I know you're grieving, but please get your hand off my ass."

Under the saddest of circumstances, the family comes together on Christmas to say goodbye to their beloved patriarch. But when they arrive at his home, they find a fully set dinner table. Then, like a Bond villain, the old man emerges from the shadows and says:

EDEKASeriously, for the money you spent to stage a funeral, you could have flown them all home.

His grandchildren run to hug him, they all learn to appreciate their family more, and they have a great Christmas meal.

EDEKA

One thing the ad seems to forget: The protagonist is a dick. The ad clearly shows that his family wasn't being selfish; they were all busy working and making sacrifices to live their best lives. One of them was a doctor, working in a hospital when he got the news, and another seemed like he was somewhere in East Asia. They had to put their lives on hold to arrange the funeral of their father, probably horribly heartbroken for most of the Christmas season. Hell, his very young grandchildren probably had to be told what death was before they got dressed in black to go bury their grandpa! No wonder no one wanted to spend Christmas with this old bastard.

In this 2016 advert for Kodak cameras, a little girl catches her brother making out with his boyfriend. His father (who's in a wheelchair) and mother have a problem with this, and by the look of the boy's sweaty Adam's apple, he knows it.

KodakIt's a photo and you still heard a *GULP*.

This reveal absolutely tears the family apart. But then, while the father is rummaging through his boy's bedroom, clearly searching for more gay evidence, he stumbles upon a happy selfie that the two boys took with a Kodak camera. Because smartphones were never invented in the Kodak Universe.

KodakIf you've got a teenager in a relationship and you go looking through their pictures, you're playing with fire.

By the time of the boy's birthday, dad has a gay surprise of his own: a nice framed picture of the kid and his boyfriend. Oh, also when they hug, the wheelchair-bound father stands up to demonstrate the true healing power of love (and Kodak).

Kodak"And all I had to do was locate the negatives, expose it on to the desired print size in a dark room, and dip it in expensive chemicals before I could frame it!"

Yes, miraculous healing is a hasty side note in the margins of schmaltzy commercial melodrama.

This cinematic tour de force from Pantene follows a young deaf Thai girl with a dream: to play the violin. However, her classmate (a pianist) doesn't support her, screaming that she'll never be any good, and she should stop wasting everyone's time. Of course, she's yelling at a deaf person, so she's clearly not an expert on what the hearing impaired can and cannot do.

Pantene"Name one famous deaf musician!"
"Beetho-"
"BESIDES THAT ONE!"

The only one who supports her dream is a homeless violinist, who tells her it's good to be different. Well, unless you're someone with no aural feedback trying to master an art that's completely sound-based, then it's a bit of handicap.

PanteneAnd not to disparage the homeless, but you should carefully consider who you take career advice from.

But the girl keeps trying, and her rival keeps getting angrier for some unexplained reason. And then the homeless mentor gets murdered by thugs, because the stakes weren't already high enough in this, again, shampoo commercial.

PanteneTwist! The thugs were hired by her rival!

On the night of the big music competition, the rival pianist crushes it, actually using her hate of a deaf girl to drive her amazing performance. With a smug look, she leaves the stage, knowing she's got that sweet $20 Yogurtland gift card in the bag. But then a last-minute contestant is announced.

Pantene"Oh wait, no, this is a competition with rules that require people to register weeks, if not months, in advance, for so many reasons."

The deaf violinist enters and gives a stunning performance of Pachelbel's Canon in D Major, all while thinking back on her trials and tribulations. That's right, we're getting callbacks in this four-minute shampoo ad.

Pantene

The song ends, and everybody gives her a standing ovation. The last thing we see is a beautiful shot of the violinist's shiny hair, and the Pantene slogan "You Can Shine."

PanteneEven though Pachelbel's Canon is the "Smoke On The Water" of the violin.

That was a very, very long way to go for a crappy pun, Pantene.

Steven Assarian is a librarian. He writes stuff here. If you want to follow a comedy writer on Twitter, then why not follow Mike Bedard? It's honestly not the worst thing you could do right now.

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For more, check out 5 'Inspirational' Ads With Secretly Horrible Messages and 5 TV Commercials That Accidentally Made Life Look Depressing.

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