5

Games Intentionally Dumb Down Their AI To Make You Feel Better

When you're playing games with a child, you have two goals. One is to keep them away from a life of drugs and street violence. The other is to let them win. Kids hate losing, but they're also good at figuring out when you're letting them win, and they also hate that. So a good caretaker has to learn a bunch of little tricks to keep them from finding out. This section is about that, except in this scenario you're the kid and the developers of every game are the ones pretending to lose.

Is there anything in the entire world more clueless than an enemy in a stealth game? They are professional guards whose lives and careers depend on detecting things, but not a single one of them has ever considered looking behind them every now and then. For example, the thugs in the Batman Arkham games are programmed to never make 180-degree turns, despite the fact that Batman is fucking stalking them. A normal person would be shooting a steady stream of bullets in every direction and a steady stream of urine down their pants. Arkham villains don't even turn their heads to cough while they incessantly patrol the same 30 feet of hallway directly beneath both an air duct and a gargoyle.

Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment"OW! WHY DOES MY SKULL SUDDENLY HURT?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!"

4

Games Lower Their Own Difficulty Without Telling You

Choosing your difficulty in a game is like choosing a college career. You are expected to make a blind decision right off the bat that will affect the entire experience, and if you overestimate your abilities, you will be punched to death by cyborgs, ninjas, or cyborg ninjas. OK, so it's not a perfect analogy, but this one might be: For many gamers, choosing the Easy difficulty is like being intimate with the gaping, lifeless mouth of an inflatable doll. It's kind of fun, and it gets the job done, but it's still embarrassing. Sometimes even the games themselves mock you for taking the easy way out.

3

"Coyote Time" Has Screwed Up Your Understanding Of Platformers

When you're committing Goomba genocide in exchange for cake, having Mario jump from ledge to ledge is a common activity. But developers found that players were constantly hitting the button too late. So they added something called "Coyote Time" (in reference to Wile E. Coyote, and how he would often hang in mid-air after running off a ledge). It's why Mario can run a little bit out in the air and still jump, which is almost always preferable to falling to your death.

Nintendo

Nintendo"I break-a the physics, like I break-a the grammar."

2

Games Lie About Probabilities To Make You Feel Better

Humans are quite terrible at judging the odds of just about everything. This is why casinos and lotteries rake in profits with their cunning business model of "Give us money and you probably won't get it back." Some of this is plain old stupidity, some of it is naive optimism, and sometimes we simply don't understand how probability works.

Let's say you're playing X-COM, and the game tells you that you have a 20 percent chance of hitting your target. Yet you hit it five times in a row. Don't run out and buy a lottery ticket just yet; the software is indeed using a variety of factors -- distance, gun type, training level, and cover -- to determine your chance of hitting. But in the sequel, those numbers lie to try to accommodate our own inherent misunderstanding of statistics. So if it tells you there's an 85 percent chance to hit, it might actually be closer to 95 percent, because the game doesn't want you to miss an "85 percent chance sure thing" and throw the controller against the wall.

2K GamesX-COM: Dignity Unknown

1

Even Single-Player Shooters Use "Aim Assist" To Make You Feel Better

If you ever see a game option called "aim assist," that basically means that your crosshairs slow down when they are passing over an enemy. Sometimes they will even "lock on" and automatically track them. You'll find it in Halo, Call Of Duty, and Destiny, among many, many others. Here are some of the developers of Halo explaining it: "If we do our job well, you won't have any idea this is happening ... it just feels like you're that badass."

Some assists are less subtle, like in Gears Of War, in which beginners are given massive strength boosts to make sure that they get a kill during their first match. If you've ever wondered why you, a seasoned pro, are getting stomped by the new guy, the game might literally be on their side.

Microsoft StudiosWasn't an entire star system's steroid supply enough?

But even single-player shooters have little tricks to make you feel better about yourself. For example, Bioshock enemies will always miss their first shot when they see you, presumably because those creepy masks really limit the peripheral vision. Bioshock also had a secret system that made you invulnerable for a few seconds at the end of a hard firefight, just to increase the drama.

Other games, like Doom and Assassin's Creed, fake this same effect, but in a different way. They make the last tiny bit of your health bar many times more durable than the rest of it. Even if you didn't want to be coddled, you've still been coddled. There is secret coddle-code, coddling you -- even in COD.

Abraham is your friendly neighborhood Mexican writer. He is also very humble, and got named top writer 2018 in Quora! You can follow him there here, say hi to him on Twitter here, check his terrible drawings here.

Forget all this stuff and pre-order Red Dead Redemption 2, a game that'll actually make you feel good about yourself.

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