6 Insane Ways People Made Money Off True Crime Stories

Since they could draw whatever the hell they liked, the images were sensationally grotesque, like this image of Scotland Yard's finest putting together a dismembered corpse like it's a tricky jigsaw puzzle:

Illustrated Police News“Better include some enormous exposed breasts in case the torso isn’t interesting enough.”

The paper also often featured crude "before and after" doodles of the victims:

Illustrated Police News

Illustrated Police NewsThe bloody crossed knives are a nice touch. In case the message “Die for our amusement” wasn’t quite clear yet.

And in what may the greatest moment in the history of journalism, the paper employed a wizard to "conjure up the secret actions of Jack the Ripper," though Gandalf mainly focused on the frisky groping and not so much on any details that would help police.

Illustrated Police NewsGreat hat, but not so hot as a news source.

While the sensationalism of the Jack the Ripper coverage may be its most notable, the paper continued into 1938. Which is a shame, because we would've loved to see its reporting on Hitler.

... to the most '90s tchotchkes of them all: goddamn Pogs.

One surprising bit of entrepreneurship came from O.J.'s high school and NFL buddy Al Cowlings -- the driver of the white Bronco during the infamous freeway chase. Instead of cashing in on his five minutes of fame like a normal leech (talk show circuit, tell-all book, O.J.-themed sex tape, etc.), Cowlings went the way of the psychics, sexy singles, and Freddy Krueger by launching a 900 number.

After the trial, people could call the number 1-900-CALL-4AC to listen to "various recorded messages from Cowlings" with stories about both O.J. and Nicole Simpson. For $2.99 a minute (which could buy you quite a few Pogs), Cowling would regale callers in his best movie trailer announcer voice:

Imagine your best friend in jail. Accused of brutally murdering two people. You're about to hear how that ordeal has affected A.C.'s life and his relationship to O.J. Simpson.

Imagine the confusing boner you'd get from hearing that when you thought you were dialing a sex line. But this wasn't the lowest Cowlings could sink. To advertise his "phone a hostage" scheme, he slapped ads on, you guessed it, a white Bronco.

In 1964, a mere year after JFK was killed, some genius decided to make a small metal recreation of the scene of the crime to sit on your desk. The JFK assassination desk set has been referred to as the "strangest souvenir building ever made," and for good reason.

Finished in bullet-colored bronze, the desk set showcases iconic Elm Street, where Kennedy's open-top limo drove on that fateful day. And lest you didn't think that was already too on the nose, they even put an X on the exact spot where Kennedy was shot:

eBayAlso killed: the dignity of whoever spent $300 on this on eBay.

For a desk toy, the set is disturbingly detailed. It also features the grassy knoll and the book depository, complete with the open window where Oswald was hiding. Even the clock atop the building is set to one minute before the murder.

Shortly after the Netflix series came out, Brad (who we like to imagine uses only that name, like a Cher or a Madonna) released a powerfully bland protest rap entitled "They Didn't Do It." With lines like "Yeah injustice slammed in the face of two innocent people" and "Things clearly show that it was just a joke / Cops were only there just to prod and poke," Brad is truly one of the best Christian rappers today. At one point he even rhymes "soda" with "Minnesota." Your move, Yeezy.

Brad Dassey/YouTube If you guessed that the guy made these killer tracks in his bedroom, you would be right.

Amazingly, though, this wasn't the only song inspired by Making A Murderer. Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys, clearly in the "Let's see what else is on Netflix" phase of his career, also wrote a song inspired by the case. The song, "Lake Superior," also contains lines declaring Avery's innocence, such as "Your alibi will never do / When the whole town's got it out for you." We're definitely looking forward to Auerbach's next single, "Guys, Season 2 Of Orange Is The New Black Is Even Better Than The First One."

The touring play, called Outlaws Of Missouri, found Ford reenacting the killing again and again, like a Groundhog Day if directed by Quentin Tarantino. Of course, Ford didn't feel the need to tell the entire truth, "carefully omitting that he had shot James in the back." The play was popular but not very well-received. Performances were often "greeted with catcalls, jeers, hoots and challenges," and Ford would occasionally jump into the audience and beat the shit out of his critics -- earning him the secret envy of actors everywhere. While there are no pictures of the play, it was carefully recreated in the movie The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford, starring Casey Affleck for just the right blend of gravitas / creepy dickhole deserving of the infamous assassin.

The cards featured the haunting images of notorious serial killers, like Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer. John Wayne Gacy is even depicted in full clown makeup. (Which makes it his rookie card?) The entire collection is pretty damn disturbing, the kind of thing you'd expect to see Jigsaw use to play Solitaire with in between torture sessions.

Eclipse EnterprisesGotta collect 'em all. Preferably before they strike again.

Even weirder was one of its expansions, an entire set dedicated to the Charles Manson trial, featuring not only the "family man" himself, but also his victims and his messed up cult of murderous youths.

Eclipse Enterprises

Eclipse Enterprises

Eclipse Enterprises“She starred in death” -- great name for a B-movie, maybe a teensy bit glib for an obituary

Sticking the likenesses of real-life monsters onto children's products didn't exactly fly with parents, and victim's rights groups quickly lobbied to ban the cards, pushing for a world in which if children wanted trading cards of depraved murderers, they should go back to collecting O.J. Simpson rookie cards.

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For more, check out 6 Insane Ways People Made Money Off Famous Crimes and The 5 Most Astonishingly Lucrative Petty Crimes Of All Time.

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