Underneath the monument stand all the support beams holding aloft Lincoln's big marble butt. These pillars reside in an impressive underground hall, and the area smells and feels like a real cavern. So what can you find underneath the beautifully crafted memorial to one of our greatest historical figures? Dust, debris, stalactites, and graffiti. Lots and lots of graffiti.

Benny Johnson/Independent Journal Review

Making a building can get really boring, it seems, as many of the construction workers spent their breaks making doodles on the concrete columns. The National Park Service refers to these drawings as "historical graffiti" -- a tactful choice, considering that some of these drawings are straight-up pornographic.

Benny Johnson/Independent Journal Review

Not one but two cooters are permanently etched into the supports of the Lincoln Memorial. Could the people working these hallowed patriotic grounds get any more immature? The answer, obviously, is yes.

Benny Johnson/Independent Journal Review

We don't know about you, but when we learned that the word "boobies" is spray-painted underneath the Lincoln Memorial, the world suddenly seemed like a happier place again.

That's photographer Lee Thompson taking a selfie while hanging out on the arm of the statue a good 100 feet off the ground, basically asking to be smote with lightning. How the hell did he get up there? The rope makes it look like he rappelled up, as if he was participating in the world's heaviest heist, but there is a much simpler way: He took the stairs.

Mario Tama/Getty Images

This confusing Escher staircase runs up the entire inside of the statue, allowing workers to make it to the top in case of damage from lightning strikes or really ambitious taggers. It took Thompson 25 minutes to climb 12 flights of stairs, partly because of the crisscrossing concrete beams slowing him down, but mostly because these are the only stairs in the world that require parkour training not to get killed by:

Mario Tama/Getty Images

Once you climb high enough, a ladder leads up into the statue's arm, and you can climb through some holes to the outside. A bit lower, though, you can see a stone mosaic of Jesus Christ's beating heart looking down at you, reminding you that you haven't yet gone to confession this week. Don't think just anyone can get all up in the Holy Son, though; Thompson had to get permission from Brazil's tourism board to enter Christ.

Because everything in D.C. is quantity over quality, they've turned official Capitol-flown flags into a factory enterprise. If you thought you were getting a flag like the one above, you're mistaken. The Capitol has three tiny flagpoles on its roof, and they grind through as many flags as they can, like they're trying to level up a bunch of characters in World Of Warcraft. Each of the 900 flags picked daily only flies for 30 seconds before being boxed up and shipped off -- even battery chickens get to see more sunlight than these patriot pom-poms. They even have a special service elevator leading to the roof specifically for the purpose of harvesting the flags. So why even bother flying these things for a paltry 30 seconds? Shut your commie mouth, that's why! There are even security cameras to ensure that the flags are being flown, because of an actual scandal in which workers were caught flapping some flags around in the air for a few seconds instead of flying them for a glorious, Uncle-Sam-lovin' half of a minute. That's just disrespectful.

Architect of the Capital

So the reality of certified flags is a lot less glamorous when you learn that they're the patriotism equivalent of chicken nuggets. Face it, if you really want a flag that has been properly flown over the Capitol, you'll have to go and overthrow the government and plant one there yourself. You know, like a real patriot would.

If you open up the right manhole near the monument, you'll be able to find a 12-foot-tall replica buried located entirely underground, secretly controlling the real monument's every move. This structure is officially named "Bench Mark A," and is known as a Geodetic Control Point. It's one of a million points dotted across the nation used to monitor landmass, synchronize the government's official maps, and make sure that California doesn't try to make a run for it.

NOAA

The Washington Monu-mini dates back to the 1880s, when it was placed as part of a transcontinental leveling program, because trains and hills don't mix well. It was above ground at that time, since the ground was a lot lower back then, and was eventually buried and forgotten about, like that RealDoll you broke and was too ashamed to bring in for repair. It's currently sinking into the ground at a rate of about 0.5 millimeters a year. After a few million years it should eventually reach the center of the Earth, whereupon the spirit of Washington will take control and steer the entire planet into the Sun.

Few people know that being a Supreme Court Justice means you rule ALL the courts, not just the legal ones. Known as "the Highest Court in the Land," there is a basketball court stationed right above the legal court. It used to be for storage, but was converted to an exercise facility in the 1940s in an attempt to lengthen the average SCOTUS lifespan to more than a couple of weeks. Sandra Day O'Connor organizes yoga classes there, John Roberts used to play against William Rehnquist, and Clarence Thomas once damaged his Achilles tendon there, causing him to miss a full season of court cases, really hurting his draft chances. But the justices know not to mix business and pleasure. There are signs all over warning people not to play when the court is in session, because when ruling on cases that could irrevocably change the face of the American legal system, it's best not to be interrupted by someone yelling "BOOYAH! NOTHING BUT NET!"

This isn't the only hidden court worth mentioning, however. The famous Matterhorn ride at Disneyland holds a secret basketball court as well, in case you ever wanted to ball while the world felt like it was shaking apart. When the Matterhorn was finished in 1959, Disney noticed that the top third of it was pointlessly empty, and after asking the staff what they'd like to see in there, the answer was a basketball court -- or half of one, at least. There were rumors that Disney did it in order to get around a height restriction law that didn't apply to sports facilities, but that isn't true. Like any man, he saw the value of getting to dunk on a guy in a Goofy costume.

Walt Disney

There are even secrets tucked away inside one of the most trafficked locations on the planet: Grand Central Station. The fourth floor used to house a 65-foot indoor ski slope, so commuters could experience all the fun of skiing while gazing at the beautiful vistas of an industrial warehouse

The New York Daily News

It was later turned into an exclusive tennis club run by Donald Trump, but when his lease, like his soul, expired, the courts finally became open to all who could find it. It's still pretty secretive, though, so merely by telling you this, we risk execution by ball machine.

Chuck Lau/Untapped Cities

Also check out 5 Cool Secret Codes Hiding In Plain Sight Around The World and Crazy Secret Places Hidden In The Middle Of Famous Locations.

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