Popes On Dope: Pontiffs Rate 6 Popular Drugs

The Pope smokes dope, but does he take shrooms?

Authors: By Dana Larsen
Published: January 23, 2022
Comments: 6

PICTOFACT

11 Spin-Offs That Were Better Than They Had Any Right To Be

The word "spin-off" shouldn't always inspire winces and visions of shows that rhyme with Blung Yeldon.

Authors: By Eli Yudin
Published: January 23, 2022
Comments: 3

Please Don’t Screw-Up The New 'King Of The Hill'

It had a good ending already, I’ll tell you what.

Authors: By JM McNab
Published: January 23, 2022
Comments: 3

Let's Talk About 'The Matrix Resurrections'' Big Missing Part

For whatever reason, Yuen Woo-ping did not lend his aesthetic-defining fight scene choreography to 'Resurrections.'

Authors: By Talbert Gregson
Published: January 23, 2022
Comments: 2

PICTOFACT

12 Sitcom Episodes That Were Unaired (Or Pulled From The Air)

Turns out, TV comedy has a long history of going too far.

Authors: By Andrea Meno
Published: January 23, 2022
Comments: 9

6 Bafflingly Ludicrous Moments Implied By Movies

By:: James Kinneen; Jordan Breeding; Dan Hopper

July 18, 2017

6 Bafflingly Ludicrous Moments Implied By Movies

Lots of movie plots only makes sense by way of careful omission of details. The slasher movie villain abruptly shows up in another city without it being shown how he paid for the Uber. Give it a little thought, and you realize that some hilariously stupid things must have occurred in so many notable films -- all off-screen. For example ...

6 Imagine The Awkward Encounters The Day After The Purge

As of now, there have been three films in the Purgerverse, with a fourth rumored prequel and a TV series on the way. Each one focuses on the Purge itself, the one night of the year when all crime is legal, so society may "purge" itself of excess rage, thus keeping people from ... uh, murdering each other on other days of the year? Don't try to question it; experts agree that the premise is 100-percent bulletproof.

But while Purge Night is an exciting setting for a mayhem-filled horrorfest, wouldn't the more interesting movie be about what happens the day after? Remember that the Purge is all about escaping legal consequences, but it can't save you from the social backlash -- you have to spend the other 364 days living and working with people who've revealed themselves to be secret psychopaths. What happens when you go back to the office and see your shy receptionist, Loretta, who had the night before gutted seven old people to "feel alive"? Do you just, like, go on with the project meeting as if she's not wearing a necklace made of their ears and penises?

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It seems like her actions would instantly get used against her by even the most mild of office adversaries. "That's a great suggestion for the company picnic venue, Loretta. Now maybe we hear from someone who DIDN'T GODDAMN BUTCHER SEVEN PEOPLE LAST WEEKEND? But before that, this is a reminder that it's everyone's responsibility to keep the break room clean, even if they SLAUGHTERED SEVEN LOCAL GRANDPARENTS IN FRONT OF THEIR FAMILIES."

And what about all the almost-kills or partial kills? Would anyone really feel comfortable saying good morning to someone whose legs they cut off, or who barely escaped their Purge Night machine gun rampage? And shit, we're only talking about murder part -- what happens to all the sex offenders the day after? "Look, Graham, we know that by Purge law, the things you did yesterday were legal. But I'm afraid the children aren't OK learning math from a man who kept them in cages while he put on lipstick and- well anyway, Graham, you're fired."

Actually, are you even allowed to fire people for things they did during the Purge? If not, is there a legal organization to fight wrongful Purge-related terminations? Is it assumed that every boss would be dead after the first Purge and the question would never get raised?

Now that we think about it, anyone worried about wrongful termination could simply wait 364 days and fire problematic employees on Purge Night. But wait, what does that mean for protected groups? Could a racist boss fire all the minorities during the Purge? Could they rewrite the company's HR policies to allow groping? Wait, could they take all the pensions and burn the place down? Also, the real estate market would go nuts -- you sure as hell wouldn't want to keep living next to the neighbors who tried to burn you alive. Also, wouldn't your life insurance policy have about a million complicated clauses concerning where the money goes in case your wife purges you? It just goes on and on.

If you really wanted to make an interesting Purge film, start the movie with motorcycle murderers loading up their guns, immediately cut to "12 hours later ..." and show those motorcycle murderers groggily going back to work at the mall where all the neighborhood buys corn dogs from them -- the kids everyone saw kill their families. That's a movie.

5 What Were Ra's Al Ghul And That Lady At Bruce Wayne's Party Talking About?

In Batman Begins, there is a scene during Bruce Wayne's birthday party in which a random guest pulls him aside and declares, "Bruce! There's somebody here you simply must meet! Now ... am I pronouncing this right? Mister Raazz. Al. Ghoul?"

He turns around and ...

It isn't Ra's Al Ghul. It's this random henchman.

BUT! The real Ra's Al Ghul then reveals himself standing across from the henchman! He was four feet away the whole time! Gasp!

But hold on, wait ... What happened prior to this moment? Ra's Al Ghul's terrifying, dead-eyed henchman introduced himself to this random woman, started small-talking with her, and made such a charismatic impression that she couldn't wait to introduce him to Bruce Wayne?

What the fuck conversation could they have possibly had? "Oh, you're in textiles? Did you know each member of the League of Shadows sews his own ninja costume? That's the ancient murder team I work for. I'm the nunchuck room shift supervi- I mean, I'm the leader. So what's your deal? You know what a Tibetan mustache ride is?"

It's absurd to think about. Why claim to be Ra's? Why talk to her at all? And what would've happened if that woman didn't immediately introduce the guy to Bruce? Would they have kept chatting about the hors d'oeuvres? And what would have happened if Bruce Wayne had remembered to pretend he wasn't Batman and said "Good to meet you, Rose Alf Goo. That's a name I won't *hic* forget. See you around, Kajagoogoo!" It's lunacy to picture this plan coming together. So many unlikely things had to fall into place to lead to this moment.

And then, when the real Ra's reveals himself, it raises even more questions. Did Ra's and the henchman huddle up and plan this meek and pointless charade for no reason but to add a bit of drama to what would have been an already-dramatic moment? How long were they lingering at the party? Was this lady the first person they tried it on, or did everyone at the party get a turn meeting the fun and charming fake Ra's Al Ghul? How many people did this guy introduce himself to while his boss was behind them giggling? And was Plan B having Ra's leap out of a cake? All the Batman stuff in this Batman movie is cool, but these two assassins trying to execute a low-stakes birthday party prank is fascinating.

4 The Mayor From Jaws' Reelection Campaign Must Have Been Hilarious

Although it is never explicitly stated in the film, the Jaws wiki estimates the amount of time that took place between Jaws and Jaws 2 at about four years. During those four years, after what had to have been the most famous series of shark attacks the world has ever known, many things have changed in Amity. There is a new hotel opening on the island. The children of Chief Brody are now teenagers. The writing and directing have become bad. But one thing which hasn't changed, though it absolutely should have, is the mayor.

Yes, somehow Larry Vaughn -- the man who refused to listen to the expert from the Oceanographic Institute demanding he close the beaches because of a large man-eating shark, the man who advertised to the public that the large man-eating shark had been caught without mentioning the results of the autopsy which showed it wasn't the one eating everyone, the man who should be knee-deep in wrongful death lawsuits, if not facing years in jail for negligence -- is still the mayor of Amity four years later. This means that not only was he not impeached or imprisoned, but he was reelected! He absolutely let his constituents get eaten by a shark for money, and they voted for him again!

As exciting as a man-eating shark can be, a movie about that mayoral campaign would have been amazing. A huge part of Jaws was how nothing notable happens in Amity. This means Mayor Vaughan would have been known almost exclusively as the man who fed his citizens to a shark. How could he have possibly spun that in his favor?

ISLAND S You WELE e IT TA UULY SOTH ANNUATL — Universal Pictures

Did he run his campaign around how the shark exploded on his watch? Was he printing buttons and T-shirts with a giant exploding shark? Was he getting crowds to chant "BOOM!" Did he mock his opponent for killing far fewer than two sharks? How did somebody run against this guy and lose? Did the other candidate start listing the deaths the mayor caused and how many obvious mistakes he made, only for Vaughan to hit him with, "Yeah, and then what happened? BOOM! I EXPLODED A SHARK!"? It's really not hard to imagine that working. He could have even brought up how fiscally responsible he was because he never had to pay Quint his money after the shark ate him.

3 What Was Mystique's Daily Life Like In X2?

In the first X-Men movie, one of mutantkind's worst enemies was Senator Robert Kelly. Kelly was staunchly anti-mutie, and advocated for a mutant registry before the Senate. He believed mutants were too dangerous to be allowed to roam free without "normal" people knowing what they're capable of. To counter his argument, a nude blue woman and her man-frog friend kidnapped him and turned him into a mutant, which ultimately resulted in him melting into goo.

After Kelly liquefies, Mystique takes his form and impersonates him in the Senate to advocate for mutant rights. X-Men fans still aren't sure about this particular issue. Sure, Senator Kelly's views were a bit fascist, but it also seems reasonable to know which nearby people might suddenly blast lasers or squirt acid. And killing people and pretending to be them afterwards is bad? We may never know who is right. All we know is that Mystique played the role of Senator Kelly for way, way too long.

She's still impersonating Kelly in the second film, running around in his pink human skin with his pink flopping dong, fighting for mutant casual Fridays or whatever. This is a problem, because Mystique can't just pretend to be Senator Kelly whenever mutant rights discussions pop up. She has to attend every single bullshit town hall meeting. She has to call donors. She has to get fitted for tuxedos. She has to sexually harass his secretary and sleep with the man's wife. Oh yeah, there's that. And she has to do it right, or she'll get found out. Does Mrs. Kelly like dirty talk? Role-playing? Do Mystique's shape-changing powers automatically make her pink flopping dong the right size, or did she have to make a guess? Did his wife notice when she was plowing her?

And what about when Mystique isn't banging her new wife? What is the Kelly family going to talk about at dinner? "Hello, new family. I mean ... OLD family. Just for fun, let's all go around in a circle and say our names and some of our hobbies."

Every single day, for months, Mystique is going to be thrown into all sorts of awkward situations as she stumbles through the life of this dead man she's pretending to be. And the thing is, people in that world know there are evil mutants and that one of them is a shapeshifter, and it's perfectly sane to assume said shapeshifter might target mutantkind's most vocal political opponent. So she has to be flawless in her performance. Each of Mystique's days would be like a wacky body-switching comedy, except one of the bodies is a corpse puddle and the other one is screwing his wife. On a similar note ...

2 Barty Crouch Jr. Is The Daniel Day-Lewis Of Magic Camp

One of the big reveals at the end of Harry Potter's fourth adventure, The Goblet Of Fire, is that beloved Defense Against the Dark Arts professor Mad-Eye Moody isn't who he appears. In fact, he's a Death Eater named Barty Crouch Jr. working for Lord Voldemort by impersonating Moody. In a backstory that sounds like it was stolen from an AA meeting, Crouch maintained his facade by constantly drinking a magic potion out of a flask.

Seems like plenty of an explanation, right? Magic potion! Well, it's significantly more difficult than it sounds, because Crouch was drinking Polyjuice Potion, and in the movies, the Harry Potter rules are very clear that Polyjuice Potion only changes your appearance -- it doesn't give you the target's voice, mannerisms, or anything else. All of you recall how when Harry and Ron turned into Goyle and Crabbe with the potion, they still sounded like themselves, and when Hermione assumed the guise of an older woman, she stumbled trying to adjust to her high heels.

That means we absolutely missed the strangest part of the story -- the part in which Barty Crouch Jr. A) had to train to method act as a total stranger in the presence of literal experts, and B) he fucking nails it. How did he do this?!? Remember, he has to pull this off for an entire school year, without dropping the act for one second. And he's great at it! The kids love him, mainly because he's a walking Anarchist's Cookbook. He teaches them forbidden curses and all the good shit. He is the greatest Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher the school has ever seen -- which admittedly isn't a high bar, since most of them get fired or turn out to be werewolves.

Still, Crouch's ability to evade detection for an entire school year in a place filled with people trying to spot magical trickery is incredible. Did Crouch spend hours with a tape recorder perfecting his cranky Mad-Eye Moody voice? Is he a secret lover of the theater and knew this was the role of a lifetime? It's such a Hail Mary to throw an evil wizard into an undercover op and desperately hope he's both Daniel Day-Lewis AND Kindergarten Cop. And speaking of Daniel Day-Lewis as Kindergarten Cop, you're welcome, Hollywood.

1 The Joker Was Probably In The Hospital Dressed As A Nurse For A While

We talked earlier about the first Christopher Nolan Batman movie and the clumsy Ra's Al Ghul birthday party prank. Well, in Nolan's second Batman movie, The Dark Knight, he got pretty good at landing a joke. He even made audiences laugh using only murder and a No. 2 pencil.

However, the movie's funniest scene occurs when Two-Face realizes his sexy female nurse is in fact a madman in sloppy makeup. The Joker then strides out of the hospital and flips a switch several times, causing the entire structure to explode and collapse. It's a great sequence, but what makes it even funnier is when you picture how long he must have been in that hospital pretending to be a nurse.

Good thing he has the mask on to draw attention from his nightmarish makeup.

How many explosions went off? Fifteen? Twenty? The Joker must have been in there for hours. He was wiring up bombs for his entire nursing shift, and probably had to take a break to have lunch with the orderlies. Did no one think to ask this husky new girl in clown paint why she was carrying box of dynamite around to every single room in the hospital?

He seemingly did this during an evacuation of the hospital, when everyone would be on the lookout for exactly that type of thing. How did he deal with any of that? Is there a pile of dead bodies made up of the people who asked what he was doing? We would love to see the 90-minute horror/comedy where Joker is planting bombs while also performing the duties of a cross-dressing clown nurse, whatever those might be.