6 Bafflingly Ludicrous Moments Implied By Movies

It seems like her actions would instantly get used against her by even the most mild of office adversaries. "That's a great suggestion for the company picnic venue, Loretta. Now maybe we hear from someone who DIDN'T GODDAMN BUTCHER SEVEN PEOPLE LAST WEEKEND? But before that, this is a reminder that it's everyone's responsibility to keep the break room clean, even if they SLAUGHTERED SEVEN LOCAL GRANDPARENTS IN FRONT OF THEIR FAMILIES."

And what about all the almost-kills or partial kills? Would anyone really feel comfortable saying good morning to someone whose legs they cut off, or who barely escaped their Purge Night machine gun rampage? And shit, we're only talking about murder part -- what happens to all the sex offenders the day after? "Look, Graham, we know that by Purge law, the things you did yesterday were legal. But I'm afraid the children aren't OK learning math from a man who kept them in cages while he put on lipstick and- well anyway, Graham, you're fired."

Actually, are you even allowed to fire people for things they did during the Purge? If not, is there a legal organization to fight wrongful Purge-related terminations? Is it assumed that every boss would be dead after the first Purge and the question would never get raised?

Now that we think about it, anyone worried about wrongful termination could simply wait 364 days and fire problematic employees on Purge Night. But wait, what does that mean for protected groups? Could a racist boss fire all the minorities during the Purge? Could they rewrite the company's HR policies to allow groping? Wait, could they take all the pensions and burn the place down? Also, the real estate market would go nuts -- you sure as hell wouldn't want to keep living next to the neighbors who tried to burn you alive. Also, wouldn't your life insurance policy have about a million complicated clauses concerning where the money goes in case your wife purges you? It just goes on and on.

If you really wanted to make an interesting Purge film, start the movie with motorcycle murderers loading up their guns, immediately cut to "12 hours later ..." and show those motorcycle murderers groggily going back to work at the mall where all the neighborhood buys corn dogs from them -- the kids everyone saw kill their families. That's a movie.

He turns around and ...

It isn't Ra's Al Ghul. It's this random henchman.

BUT! The real Ra's Al Ghul then reveals himself standing across from the henchman! He was four feet away the whole time! Gasp!

But hold on, wait ... What happened prior to this moment? Ra's Al Ghul's terrifying, dead-eyed henchman introduced himself to this random woman, started small-talking with her, and made such a charismatic impression that she couldn't wait to introduce him to Bruce Wayne?

What the fuck conversation could they have possibly had? "Oh, you're in textiles? Did you know each member of the League of Shadows sews his own ninja costume? That's the ancient murder team I work for. I'm the nunchuck room shift supervi- I mean, I'm the leader. So what's your deal? You know what a Tibetan mustache ride is?"

It's absurd to think about. Why claim to be Ra's? Why talk to her at all? And what would've happened if that woman didn't immediately introduce the guy to Bruce? Would they have kept chatting about the hors d'oeuvres? And what would have happened if Bruce Wayne had remembered to pretend he wasn't Batman and said "Good to meet you, Rose Alf Goo. That's a name I won't *hic* forget. See you around, Kajagoogoo!" It's lunacy to picture this plan coming together. So many unlikely things had to fall into place to lead to this moment.

And then, when the real Ra's reveals himself, it raises even more questions. Did Ra's and the henchman huddle up and plan this meek and pointless charade for no reason but to add a bit of drama to what would have been an already-dramatic moment? How long were they lingering at the party? Was this lady the first person they tried it on, or did everyone at the party get a turn meeting the fun and charming fake Ra's Al Ghul? How many people did this guy introduce himself to while his boss was behind them giggling? And was Plan B having Ra's leap out of a cake? All the Batman stuff in this Batman movie is cool, but these two assassins trying to execute a low-stakes birthday party prank is fascinating.

Yes, somehow Larry Vaughn -- the man who refused to listen to the expert from the Oceanographic Institute demanding he close the beaches because of a large man-eating shark, the man who advertised to the public that the large man-eating shark had been caught without mentioning the results of the autopsy which showed it wasn't the one eating everyone, the man who should be knee-deep in wrongful death lawsuits, if not facing years in jail for negligence -- is still the mayor of Amity four years later. This means that not only was he not impeached or imprisoned, but he was reelected! He absolutely let his constituents get eaten by a shark for money, and they voted for him again!

As exciting as a man-eating shark can be, a movie about that mayoral campaign would have been amazing. A huge part of Jaws was how nothing notable happens in Amity. This means Mayor Vaughan would have been known almost exclusively as the man who fed his citizens to a shark. How could he have possibly spun that in his favor?

Did he run his campaign around how the shark exploded on his watch? Was he printing buttons and T-shirts with a giant exploding shark? Was he getting crowds to chant "BOOM!" Did he mock his opponent for killing far fewer than two sharks? How did somebody run against this guy and lose? Did the other candidate start listing the deaths the mayor caused and how many obvious mistakes he made, only for Vaughan to hit him with, "Yeah, and then what happened? BOOM! I EXPLODED A SHARK!"? It's really not hard to imagine that working. He could have even brought up how fiscally responsible he was because he never had to pay Quint his money after the shark ate him.

And what about when Mystique isn't banging her new wife? What is the Kelly family going to talk about at dinner? "Hello, new family. I mean ... OLD family. Just for fun, let's all go around in a circle and say our names and some of our hobbies."

Every single day, for months, Mystique is going to be thrown into all sorts of awkward situations as she stumbles through the life of this dead man she's pretending to be. And the thing is, people in that world know there are evil mutants and that one of them is a shapeshifter, and it's perfectly sane to assume said shapeshifter might target mutantkind's most vocal political opponent. So she has to be flawless in her performance. Each of Mystique's days would be like a wacky body-switching comedy, except one of the bodies is a corpse puddle and the other one is screwing his wife. On a similar note ...

Seems like plenty of an explanation, right? Magic potion! Well, it's significantly more difficult than it sounds, because Crouch was drinking Polyjuice Potion, and in the movies, the Harry Potter rules are very clear that Polyjuice Potion only changes your appearance -- it doesn't give you the target's voice, mannerisms, or anything else. All of you recall how when Harry and Ron turned into Goyle and Crabbe with the potion, they still sounded like themselves, and when Hermione assumed the guise of an older woman, she stumbled trying to adjust to her high heels.

That means we absolutely missed the strangest part of the story -- the part in which Barty Crouch Jr. A) had to train to method act as a total stranger in the presence of literal experts, and B) he fucking nails it. How did he do this?!? Remember, he has to pull this off for an entire school year, without dropping the act for one second. And he's great at it! The kids love him, mainly because he's a walking Anarchist's Cookbook. He teaches them forbidden curses and all the good shit. He is the greatest Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher the school has ever seen -- which admittedly isn't a high bar, since most of them get fired or turn out to be werewolves.

Still, Crouch's ability to evade detection for an entire school year in a place filled with people trying to spot magical trickery is incredible. Did Crouch spend hours with a tape recorder perfecting his cranky Mad-Eye Moody voice? Is he a secret lover of the theater and knew this was the role of a lifetime? It's such a Hail Mary to throw an evil wizard into an undercover op and desperately hope he's both Daniel Day-Lewis AND Kindergarten Cop. And speaking of Daniel Day-Lewis as Kindergarten Cop, you're welcome, Hollywood.

How many explosions went off? Fifteen? Twenty? The Joker must have been in there for hours. He was wiring up bombs for his entire nursing shift, and probably had to take a break to have lunch with the orderlies. Did no one think to ask this husky new girl in clown paint why she was carrying box of dynamite around to every single room in the hospital?

He seemingly did this during an evacuation of the hospital, when everyone would be on the lookout for exactly that type of thing. How did he deal with any of that? Is there a pile of dead bodies made up of the people who asked what he was doing? We would love to see the 90-minute horror/comedy where Joker is planting bombs while also performing the duties of a cross-dressing clown nurse, whatever those might be.

Jordan Breeding also writes officially for Paste Magazine, unofficially on the Twitter, and with a dirty, dirty spray can in various back alleys.

For more moments that had to have happen in movie characters' lives, check out 29 Awkward Movies Moments That Must Have Happened and 20 Awkward Implications Star Wars Skips Over.

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