"My KID could defecate this."
What one person considers art might look to someone else more like the rehabilitation therapy of someone who can't get the nightmares to go away. With that in mind, the following batshit-crazy pieces will make you ask "Why?" but probably not with the inflection the artists were hoping for.
NSFW Warning: All is fair in art, but that won't stop you from getting the stinkeye for looking at bronze vaginas on the bus.
People love to anthropomorphize animals, putting them in cute outfits, giving them fancy names, and generally trying to justify their random animal stupidity by pretending they're "just like people." Heck, Disney has built an entire empire on putting ducks in sailor outfits and giving them anger issues. Though we tend to prefer our anthropomorphized animals to show the noblest side of our nature -- like, say, the innocence and gentleness of Bambi.
Coincidentally, did you know that there's a sculpture in Indianapolis that depicts the origin story of Bambi? Here it is:
The piece, titled Trophy (we're sorry, were you still expecting subtlety at this point?), depicts two elk banging missionary-style, complete with kissing and intense eye contact. The piece appears to satirize the normalcy we now associate with injecting human characteristics into animal life, showing how the perfectly natural bland missionary (the Dane Cook of sexual positions) would look shockingly out of place in nature.
The completed work was placed outside of the Herron School of Art in Indianapolis. Though it was one of 15 sculptures commissioned to be placed around campus and the school attempted to place it somewhat out of sight, it still managed to find its way to being a topic of heated public discussion. Because if someone found the time to make it, you better believe people were going to find the time to bitch about it.
Its creator, Wim Delvoye, has a long a history of provocative sexual art pieces that make the natural seem unnatural and vice versa, such as his bondage bird houses or the series of x-rays he took of his friends boning, which must have done wonders for their fertility. But his most famous piece is a machine called "Cloaca" which, in his own words, had the primary goal of creating the most exact replica of human shit ever produced -- though most people still believe that everyone who calls themselves a "neo-conceptual artist" is doing exactly that.
Lea Vivot is a Canadian sculptor who really has a thing for benches, which she seems to think are for art and not for people to sit on. Many of her sculptures depict quite wholesome scenes of couples, families, and children enjoying themselves on park benches, thereby preventing actual couples, families, and children from doing the same.
But parks aren't just for familial bliss; there's also some kinky shit happening in the bushes. Which must be why Vivot also created The Bench Of Vice, originally located in front of the Czech Lottery Corporation in Prague.
On the surface, it seems like a typical tableau of a young woman adoring her love -- who, of course, is sitting on a bench. But to a critical eye, the slightest of deviant undertones can be sensed in the details. Maybe it's the slight discomfort in the young man's eyes while he's being touched by this woman. Maybe it's how the woman's face is suggestively placed near his crotch while she ogles his money resting on the bench. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because you can straight-up see her vagina.
Naturally, neglecting to sculpt some panties ignited arguments over the piece's appropriateness while giving hack journalists the softball line that the statue was "arousing controversy," and the sculpture has since been removed. Then again, considering one of Vivot's other works was a threesome on a winery bench, maybe they shouldn't have been so surprised.
Les Kossatz was an Australian sculptor who enjoyed making satirical statues and had a curious predilection for sheep. Kossatz's sheep statues seem to revolve around playful satires of human inhumanity to the environment. That's why his fluffy and cute sheep are often contrasted with the hard and jagged machines of human industry:
But none represent his thesis of man fucking over nature more than Ainsley's Sheep, a string of aluminum sculptures in downtown Canberra consisting of balls of wool in ... compromised positions:
This sheep, seen here sculpted in exquisite detail, appears to be trying to win a frat house bet by seeing if it can fit its legs behind its ears. The sculpture was commissioned by the city of Canberra in honor of their founding father, a Scottish shepherd named James Ainsley. Kossatz decided he would rather have the sheep be a commentary on human behavior, so he intentionally designed it to be in a position which the Kama Sutra calls "The Sarajevo Lawn Dart."
Naturally, every person who walks by tries to fuck it, which was probably the point Kossatz was trying to make. What better way to showcase your ecological message than by proving every day how eager people are to violate your ecological message -- with the added bonus of turning a bunch of ignorant bogans into artistic sheep fuckers.
Celebrating national heritage through art can be a tricky thing to get right. Nowadays, good artists and unflinching patriots seem to have about as much in common as a senior IT specialist and a nematode worm. But one sculptor has found an easy way to celebrate his heritage without having to choose sides -- namely by making his work so shit that everyone hated it with equal passion.
Since 2012, the front of the Bucharest National History Museum in Romania has been graced with this bronze statue of a man with a date for a penis awkwardly levitating a three-titted monster in a German Shepherd mask with a sentient bit of rigatoni growing out of the back of its head.
According to sculptor Vasile Gorduz, it's supposed to represent Roman emperor Trajan holding a wolf in an artistic depiction of the origin the Romanian people. Emperor Trajan here represents the coming together of their Roman and Dacian ancestors, while the wolf refers to the mythical founder of Rome, who was raised by wolves. So congratulations to Gorduz, who managed to take a myth about two young boys sucking on the nipples of a wolf and then killing each other and make things even weirder.
Shockingly, the statue has not been well-received. Complaints vary widely, criticizing everything from the man's bewildered facial expression to the "tumor" growing out of the neck of what we will generously call the wolf. Even the museum itself got in on the action, with its curator stating outright "it should have never been erected here because of its doubtful artistic quality." Which is a major diss from someone who has dedicated his entire life to determining what does and does not belong in a museum.
In the early 20th century, Finland was a tough place to live. Between fighting the Russian Empire for independence and scattered outbreaks of communism, the Finns dug deep into their past and endured their hardships in a way befitting a people who voluntarily live in a frozen wasteland. So in 1932, to commemorate their hardiness and ability to withstand waves and waves of Russian penetration, a great monument was erected in honor of the hard men who took it on the chin.
What they settled on was three naked men going at it near an anvil. And these men are hot -- so hot that they seem to be able to wave their exposed bits near red-hot pieces of molded metal.
Created by Felix Nylund, the statue is located at the crossing point of two of the busiest streets in Helsinki. This makes the Three Smiths Statue a popular place for people to meet up, though people on first dates are advised to give the square a miss in order to avoid some unflattering comparisons later in the evening.
The Philippines has traditionally been a very impoverished country with a long history of lacking basic medical and sanitation facilities in many parts. In order to celebrate the new millennium, the city of Marikina decided to erect a statue to raise awareness of hygiene initiatives and promote their modern sanitation systems. This was what they settled on:
The gentleman who looks like he's a series regular on To Catch A Predator is esteemed physician Dr. Isaac Eustaquio, the first Filipino to earn a medical degree from Harvard and a man who fought tirelessly to introduce hygiene standards to rural corners of the Philippines. Though, as a Harvard-educated doctor, he of all people should know that's not how you sit on a toilet.
Still, Marikina is very proud of its statue, its true protagonist being the porcelain bowl at the bottom -- the result of a tireless campaign of putting a toilet in every household. And we're sure the good doctor realized his important work was never going to be seen as glamorous or cool, but is this what he wanted to be remembered for? Being the guy who saved millions of lives by catching shit into a tin can for safe keeping?
Stefano Bombardieri is an Italian sculptor who, in lieu of pursuing the Italian tradition of sculpting naked men who look like they're cold, frequently depicts large African animals such as elephants, hippos, and rhinos in various positions. One of his most famous works is a rhino suspended in the air by a harness:
Bombardieri claims that he tries to express the conflict of the urban, human world and the natural animal world struggling to coexist. Though we're pretty sure he just likes hanging heavy stuff in the air. That would explain a similar piece by Bombardieri as well:
This piece is titled The Weight Of Time Suspended -- Sumo, which we suppose is a commentary on pregnant pauses? Either way, if you missed out on the live exhibit of an extremely fat man in a thong suspended by his butt crack, you can buy a kitschy miniature for your home or office.
There's really nothing we can say that could justify you having to scroll down any further to see this madness, so without further ado:
Cuban artist Roberto Fabelo donated this bronze statue to the city of Havana, where it was displayed near the center of the capital. The piece depicts an alopecic woman wearing nothing but high-heels (classy), wielding a novelty oversized fork and sitting astride a giant cock. True art is supposed to raise more questions than there are answers, so this might be the greatest piece of art ever created. Why no hair? Why the fork? Why a rooster? Why the fork??
Fabelo named his creation Fantastic Voyage (despite having the great title "Bald Naked Woman Riding A Rooster With Fork" staring him right in the face), and he was advised that he should fence it off to prevent people from attempting to ride the rooster or grope the woman. Fabelo replied, "No, I'd rather meet with all the children in the Plaza and tell them about the rooster and its magic." So if you really want to understand it, your best bet is to take a trip to Cuba, find the statue, listen to a pleasantly crazy man tell you about his magical cock, and be amazed that his description will be the least-weird part of your trip to the plaza.
Behind every awful movie is the idea for a good one. Old man Indiana Jones discovers aliens: Good in theory, bad in practice. Batman fights Superman: So simple, but so bad. Are there good versions of these movies hidden within the stinking turds that saw the light of day? Jack O'Brien hosts Soren Bowie, Daniel O'Brien, and Katie Willert of After Hours on our next live podcast to find an answer, as they discuss their ideal versions of flops, reboots, and remakes. Tickets are $7 and can be purchased here!
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