6 Insane Movie Plots You Won't Believe Happened In Real Life
Admittedly, we've all wanted to do something simply because we saw an attractive person do it on a big screen (and we're not just talking about porn here). Who doesn't want to go out and buy a bunch of suits and whiskey after an episode of Mad Men, or learn martial arts because of Jason Bourne, or act like a total dick for no reason thanks to The Walking Dead?
Some people, however, get a little carried away and end up recreating entire crazy-ass schemes straight out of movies or TV shows -- only to be foiled by a little thing called "reality." For instance ...
A Drug Dealer Goes Full Scooby-Doo Villain, But His Rubber Mask Doesn't Fool The Police
We all remember the moment that comes at the end of every Scooby-Doo episode. Those pot-addled beatniks sober up long enough to realize that the monster they've been chasing is some guy they met earlier wearing a shitty rubber mask. The villain is unmasked, and laments that he would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those nosy little shits.
Who could forget the time Michael Caine posed as Gene Simmons?
But outside of cartoons, no one ever uses weird rubber masks to try to fool law enforcement -- until last month, that is. A man indicted on drug trafficking charges, Shizz Miller (who was presumably arrested for drug trafficking after police simply rounded up everyone named "Shizz"), was cornered by police at his residence. Since building a jetpack and flying away would have been too expensive, Shizz did the next-best thing: He slapped on an old man mask and strolled past the cops, barely stopping short of offering them hard candy and complaining about ethnic teenagers.
The cops congratulated him for his Emmy nomination for Better Call Saul.
Of course, since the accused looked less like a human being and more like if Future Biff's life hit the skids, the police soon caught on and promptly arrested him. The cops did praise the "Hollywood quality" of the mask, though -- presumably because the only movie these officers ever saw was Clint Eastwood's J. Edgar.
Yup, it seems that in order for a rubber mask to truly fool someone for more than a minute, they really need to be a bunch of teenagers who've stumbled out of a hot-boxed van while talking to their Great Dane like it's stringing together sentences.
A Father Stages An Arrested Development-Style Ruse To Teach His Kids A Lesson, And The Kids Jump Out A Window
Before Arrested Development had the most underwhelming resurrection since Jesus decided to bum around in a cave instead of kicking some Roman ass, the show was known for its wealth of hilarious running gags. For instance, Bluth family patriarch George Sr. was constantly teaching lessons to his children through elaborate ruses. These usually involved a one-armed man who would stage dangerous accidents -- thus burning a lesson into the kids' brains with the fire of a good childhood trauma.
While also giving credence to the fan theory that George Bluth was behind the death of Harrison Ford's wife.
Amazingly, a real-life dad seemingly took a page out of the George Bluth book of parental responsibility and orchestrated an elaborate con to teach his kids a lesson about stranger danger. He hired a buddy of his to show up at their house when he knew that his 14- and 16-year-old sons would be alone. The younger of the two kids let the stranger into the house -- at which point, you would assume the dad would pop out of the bushes, explain that they shouldn't let strangers in the house, and take everybody out for ice cream.
After being let into the house, the stranger started ranting about how their dad owed him money, yelling about "chopping up bodies in here" while mentioning that he "just got out of jail two weeks ago." That's some efficient backstory exposition right there.
Understandably, the kids got freaked out. They locked themselves in an upstairs bedroom, climbed out the window, jumped to the ground, and ran to a neighbor's house to call 911. Luckily, the worst injury suffered was only a scrapped knee and not, say, whatever injury you get from falling out of a goddamn window.
When the police arrived, they tried to explain to the father that he had endangered his kids with his reckless plan, but according to the cops, he "wasn't hearing it." The dad further commented that the actions of his kids were an "epic fail." The police then somehow restrained themselves from pointing out that using the passe term "epic fail" was in and of itself the most epic of fails. If the lesson was to teach the kids that their dad was an unfeeling piece of shit, mission accomplished. If it wasn't, well, he blue it.
A Guy Tries Seinfeld's Cross-State Bottle Deposit Scam, Is Promptly Pulled Over And Arrested
If we were to rank every single criminal mastermind from TV by effectiveness, Kramer from Seinfeld would be somewhere near the bottom of the list. Most episodes of the show featured him trying some wacky new scheme of dubious legality, usually with the assistance of his equally inept comrade, Newman. One storyline found the two hatching a plan to round up a truck-full of soda bottles and haul them across state lines to Michigan, where the refund is five cents more than in New York -- which is quite illegal, but not exactly Ocean's Eleven-level daring.
What even Kramer didn't know was that all the cans were full of stolen dinosaur embryos.
Despite the fact that all of Kramer's plans inevitably fail, Michigan resident Brian Everidge decided it would be a good idea to undertake the "Michigan Bottle Deposit Scam" made famous by the show. In the TV version, Newman and Kramer never make it to Michigan, after detouring to pursue Jerry's stolen car -- and that may have been for the best. When Everidge tried the scam, he was pulled over for speeding outside of Detroit, at which point the cop noticed that his budget rent-a-truck was full of more empty cans than the morning after a Canadian frat party. And with Mr. Fusion yet to be invented, it was pretty goddamn obvious that the cans were being used for something suspicious.
"It's not what you think! I'm a dangerous alcoholic."
While Everidge probably won't see any jail time, he may face a $5,000 fine, which is especially shitty considering his nefarious plot would have only made him around $1,000. It's still unclear whether he got the idea from Seinfeld, or if his brain merely works the same as those of two fictional buffoons. If he starts coordinating masturbation contests with his friends or trying to poison his significant others with toxic envelopes, we'll know for sure.
A Real-Life Ferris Bueller Hack Is Immediately Traced And The Hacker Caught
Ferris Bueller sure had a lot of crazy schemes, from convincing a whole school he was sick, to trying to roll back the miles on a "borrowed" car, to actually killing his girlfriend's grandmother so she could skip class that day ... OK, he may have been lying about that part. Sometimes it's hard to tell where Ferris' sociopathy begins and ends.
At one point in the movie, Ferris uses his computer to hack into the school records and change his troubling number of absences from nine to two -- because in the '80s, computers were essentially magic, mainly existing to baffle and enrage everyone over 30.
On the upside, they could manufacture supermodels.
Dean Rooney literally watches the numbers change before his eyes, yet his reaction is still to spend the rest of the movie going to insane lengths to prove Ferris is skipping class. Perhaps anticipating a similar level of cartoonish bumbling on the part of the administration, a 17-year-old kid tried this in real life and expected to get away with it.
Of course, the teen hacker didn't alter his absences. He went a few steps further, giving himself and his friends better grades and messing with the entire school schedule. Unfortunately for the would-be Bueller, the school did what Rooney should have done like eight minutes into Ferris Bueller's Day Off: They called the police.
"Ferris" does have a certain resemblance, but "Cameron" and "Sloane" should be recast.
They, of course, were able to trace the hack back to the teen perpetrator. He was arrested for "burglary and computer tampering," which could lead to up to seven years in prison. So he started out wanting to emulate Ferris Bueller, but ended up more like Charlie Sheen's character ... or Charlie Sheen.
And speaking of the Sheen family ...
The Villainous Coach's Scheme From The Mighty Ducks Simply Led To Disqualification
The Mighty Ducks starred Emilio Estevez as a soulless lawyer forced into coaching a peewee hockey team after being arrested for a DUI. Then, in an unexpected plot twist, the kids end up thawing his cold, cold heart, and everyone learns a valuable lesson.
That is, "Driving drunk is secretly the gateway to happiness."
After learning to love the scrappy misfit team (none of whom were run over while he was cruising around town pounding back beers, luckily), the lawyer discovers that their rivals, a team made of pure evil and run by Estevez's old coach, are monkeying with the league's districting to procure better players. Of course, Estevez catches on, leading to one of the players being transferred. This sets the stage for an epic playoff game between the two teams, featuring the awesomest and most totally illegal maneuver in hockey: the Flying V.
The Mighty Ducks cartoon in which they're actual talking ducks had more basis in reality.
In real life, though, the whole thing was simply a big mess. An Illinois little league baseball team allegedly concocted a similar plan to that of the Ducks' rivals, but to even greater extremes, presenting fake address forms and "fraudulent maps" to the league. The cunning scheme could only be discovered if you had the technology and know-how necessary to Google the players' names and see that their hometowns were outside Chicago.
The team was then disqualified and stripped of its championship. So it ruined everything for them, as opposed to upping the stakes for some scrappy underdog team. No one learned any life lessons here, and most tragically, no one chanted any avian-themed versions of classic Queen songs.
A Man Tries To Recreate Up's Balloon Trip, Has To Jump Down And Gets Arrested
For those who somehow summoned the nerve to make it past the gut-wrenching pathos of the opening few minutes, apparently Pixar's Up has some shit about balloons after that. The movie finds a cranky old man sticking it to the slightly younger man by refusing to give up his house, instead using hundreds of balloons to make it soar into the air like ... well, like a house with a bunch of balloons tied to it. There's honestly no other way to describe it.
The balloons pull the house up into-- Ohhhhhh, we just got the name.
Guess what? A similar event occurred in reality ... although it was less a beloved curmudgeon coping with the loss of his wife, and more some jackass looking to drum up cheap publicity. Also, instead of a house, he was sitting on a crappy old lawn chair.
Exclusive preview from Up 2: Up Yours.
But while Carl from Up's plan went rather smoothly, this guy's balloon ride was a failure on almost every level. The plan was to skydive off the chair and into the Calgary Stampede (a big rodeo) with a banner for his cleaning business. Instead, he "was forced to somersault out of the chair, plunge several thousand feet to the earth, and make an emergency landing, in prickly bushes," whereupon he injured his foot. Oh, and he was fucking arrested. Yeah, it turns there's a reason people don't commute to work via 200 helium balloons: It's dangerous and illegal.
He was lucky this was Canada, where local police departments don't have missiles.
On the bright side, it's probably a good thing that he picked this Pixar movie to emulate and not, say, Monsters Inc. -- the charges would have been way worse for hiding in a closet with a banner for his cleaning company, ready to be majestically unfurled in a small child's bedroom.
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Last Halloween, the Cracked Podcast creeped you out with tales of ghost ships, mysteriously dead people, and a man from one of the most famous paintings in U.S. history, who years later went all Jack Nicholson in The Shining on his family. This October, Jack and the Cracked staff are back with special guest comedians Ryan Singer, Eric Lampaert, and Anna Seregina to share more unsettling and unexplained true tales of death, disappearance and the great beyond. Get your tickets for this LIVE podcast here!