5 New Products That Seem Amazing Til You Apply Basic Science
The future isn't here in just an abstract sense; it's hovering around your neighborhood with a tiny camera, waiting for you to poop so it can live-stream your bowel movement to an interactive video channel. Whenever you read about some revolutionary new technology, you probably just go ahead and believe it's real -- we're basically living in a porno parody of The Jetsons already, so what's beyond belief? Well, these things, for starters ...
Solar Roadways Won't Work
A solar roadway is an interlocking series of hexagonal solar panels that serves as a replacement for asphalt. That way, instead of just being convenient pathways leading to the world's largest ball of yarn, America's highways can suck up some sun rays and produce tons of free, clean energy. Hell, if they're good enough for Popular Mechanics and Forbes, it's no wonder that the Solar Roadways project became one of Indiegogo's most successful crowdfunding campaigns ever!
Haha, look at all you other engineers working like idiots, with your ... science ...
Why It's Bullshit:
Say, have you seen many solar panels laid out flat on the ground? Probably not, because those suckers need to be angled to face the sun directly in order to feed off its light-blood with any kind of efficiency. So for them to produce meaningful power, all of our roads would have to bank, sometimes sharply. And we're not saying we personally don't want that; it would be awesome! But some buzzkills would probably complain about the drastic uptick in fatalities that resulted from us turning every freeway into a NASCAR track.
Furthermore, according to British scientist Phil Mason, if we were to cover all roads in the U.S. with solar panels, the cost of the glass alone, without all the electronics and labor, would be $2 trillion.
"What if we skip the shitty states?"
We also have to consider the fact that, unless you politely take your tires off before driving on them, roads get dirty. Dirty solar panels are as good at producing sustainable energy as hamster wheels. Put it all together and it becomes clear the solar roadways will never be as good as asphalt, which, by the way, is also 99 percent recyclable. Solar roadway tiles are not.
Artificial Gills Are Pure Science Fiction
The Triton is a small device that literally sucks the oxygen out of water and spits it into your lungs, thus allowing you to stay underwater for hours without scuba gear. Simply slap down your credit card and gain instant access to all the best parts of Aquaman. You can talk to fish if you want, but they don't have much to say.
"You look like you're giving a blowjob to a handlebar mustache."
Why It's Bullshit:
The human body needs about 25 milliliters of pure oxygen with each breath, which you can get from 1.5 gallons of sea water. Now, a typical human takes about 15 breaths per minute, meaning that the teeny-weeny Triton would have to suck in and process 24 gallons of water per minute, assuming 100 percent efficiency. That's like asking you to drain a large aquarium by drinking all of its water through a straw. You have one minute.
Do we have pumps that can do that? Sure, but they're enormous and require a huge power supply, which altogether would make a Triton kit a hell of a lot bigger than a standard scuba kit.
Or you could just keep constantly swimming ... because if you don't, you'll die.
Plus any good set of gills would also need a nitrogen tank, because pure oxygen will just kill you. To be fair, pulling air out of water is definitely possible, but there is currently no evidence that the Triton can do that. Even its producers agree, having recently announced that the whole "filtering water to get oxygen" thing isn't possible yet, and that the Triton will simply house small, finite canisters of liquid oxygen. Not coincidentally, they also ended up refunding all of their backers' money, after basically pulling the biggest bait-and-switch since the so-called "Hoverboard."
The Miraculous Pocket Doctor Is A Scam
According to its insanely successful Indiegogo campaign and general praises sung throughout the internet, the GoBe can measure your caloric intake, calories burned, your stress levels, and your sleep patterns, all just by being in contact with your skin. It can even determine your blood-sugar levels and hydration! It's like having your personal doctor, fitness instructor, and stalker on your wrist at all times.
"You paid for me to judge you."
Why It's Bullshit:
The "science" behind the GoBe is based on a bunch of half-assed assumptions that only culminate in full ass. The device supposedly works by sending high- and low-frequency signals through your body that detect how much water there is inside your cells. That's more or less possible. However, the company behind it, Healbe, claims that this reading allows GoBe to calculate glucose concentration in your body, which is more "less possible."
Then they take it a step further and claim that those (already falsely read) changes in glucose can be used to calculate how much ice cream you're gorging on right now. According to medical professionals, that is simply not how the human body works.
But it's perfect at detecting levels of buyer's remorse.
Healbe's compelling counter-argument? "It works, all right? Just trust us. Why do you need proof? We thought you were cool."
When actual scientists pointed all of this out to Indiegogo, they took swift and immediate action ... by abandoning their fraud policy almost entirely.
The Self-Filling Water Bottle Is Fundamentally Flawed
Are you massively hungover right now? Who are we kidding, of course you are! Then you know this rhyming couplet all too well: "You're dying of thirst, but moving is the worst." In the past, your only options would be: 1) Slowly dying of dehydration, or 2) Walking to the kitchen.
We'll leave it to you to decide which fate is worse.
"We've invented a solar panel that is more efficient, powerful, and portable than anything ever created."
"Let's use it to fill a water bottle!"
Why It's Bullshit:
The miraculous invention that we've just described is called a dehumidifier. The Fontus sucks in moist air and cools it down to make water. And despite what its producers claim, it does so at an insanely inefficient rate. Using the company's own data, Australian engineer David L. Jones calculated that, in order to produce one quart of water, the Fontus would require an environment with a temperature of 104 F and 90 percent humidity. No human would need this invention, because no human would live in that place.
Yes, we are well aware of Florida. We stand by our statement.
Plus, even if America's Morlocks did buy a Fontus, it would still take them 150 minutes of standing around just to fill up one Fontus bottle.
Alternatively, you could just buy a water bottle with a portable filter and fill it with your own pee.
And to do that, Fontus would need to generate 250 kilowatts of power per hour. Currently, the most efficient solar panel capable of that rate is the size of a medium-sized rug. The solar panel that powers the Fontus is about the size of a small handkerchief. That doesn't mean the device doesn't work -- remember, it's only promising to be a dehumidifier, and we have those already; the Fontus is just a really bad one.
Usable Projection Watches Are A Lie
What is the Ritot? It's the goddamn future, that's what it is. More precisely, it's a wristband that uses light to project the time, texts, emails, etc. right onto your hand. Or whatever else you wrap it around. This will revolutionize sexting!
"However, all the weird sex stuff you end up doing with it may not be."
Why It's Bullshit:
Current projection technology simply cannot fit into a wristband device smaller than Hellboy's fist. Furthermore, how does the Ritot take into account the different shapes and sizes of human hands? That's a good question. Here's Ritot's answer, essentially: "S-shut up."
All pictures of the Ritot in action are just artistic renderings. Simply put, there is no reason to believe the device actually works.
Nor is this any reason to believe that this man does, either.
But let's generously assume that it does work: How will the light projection function in bright sunlight?
The Ritot's manufacturers might be located anywhere from Japan to the Ukraine -- much like the existence of their product, they prefer to stay ambiguous. Generally not a good sign, and just one of the reasons why Indiegogo, where the Ritot earned $1.4 million in funding, was warned that the device could be a scam. Once again, they decided to not do anything about it. Now, why would a crowdfunding platform that gets a hefty cut of that 1.4 million refuse to-
Ah, we know, we know: "Shut up."
"And give us more money, please."
Geekatroid doesn't have a blog or anything, because they are afraid of getting crushed by fan mail.
For more technological letdowns, check out 5 Breakthroughs In Tech (That Make Us Look Really Dumb) and The 5 Most Ridiculously Unnecessary Modern Inventions.
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