Of course the kids start getting into accidents, just like the old-timey accidents that killed those other four kids. The kids in each timeline are played by the same actors, either implying that there's some sort of of curse at work here or the producers couldn't afford to hire more child actors after shelling out for those sweet sepia-toned shots.

Island World
"Are you sure we can't at least afford fake blood?"

One kid hits his head. Another falls off a wagon (a literal wagon; he doesn't start drinking or anything). And in one insanely graphic scene, a girl has her goddamn arm ripped off!

Island World
"NO, MY BUTTER-CHURNIN' ARM!"

There's no mistaking this for coincidence either, because the movie takes the time to show us the disembodied head of the father of the dead quartet watching these events with the same expression on his face as the audience.

Island World
Always order a homebuyer's report to check for mold or possession before signing any papers.

None of the contemporary kids actually die, though -- that is, until the end, when the older girl is hit by her dad's tractor.

Island World
Damn product placement.

While any sane person might expect this grisly shot to lead to some kind of discussion about farm safety, followed by a quick reveal of the little girl chilling at the hospital with a broken leg, this movie just cuts to the haunted gravestone and rolls credits.

Island World
The post-credit scene is a time-lapse shot of her decaying corpse.

So the big takeaway here is that there are no precautions you can take against farm-related accidents, because they're usually caused by angry ghosts? So sure, go ahead and dangle your limbs around large antiquated machinery. Unless you have an exorcist handy, you're pretty much fucked regardless.

We then see a douchebag who's in such a rush that he can't even be bothered to eat his toast off a plate. Goddamned monster.

DOE Road Safety
Nothing he could ever do would be worse than this.

It cuts between the kids' nauseatingly idyllic playtime and toast guy driving his car. Also, this is all set to an acoustic cover of Sweet Child O' Mine, which some ad exec probably mistook for a nice song about kids, and not Axl Rose's ode to the woman he was abusing.

DOE Road Safety
Prepare to witness much, much more than an ounce of pain.

The whole thing plays out like a run-of-the-mill car commercial -- that is, until the driver loses control of his car, possibly because the kid wielding the identical toy car is some kind of Omen-esque demon child.

DOE Road Safety
So the moral isn't "Be a safe driver," so much as it's "Don't be the Antichrist."

The car flips over, crushing the kids before any of them get the chance to say "Zoom Zoom."

DOE Road Safety
*splat splat*

Forget about how pants-shittingly terrifying it was for audiences to watch graphic child-killing between Irish game show segments, and think for a minute about the poor visual effects artists. Imagine spending years of education learning how to make kickass CG images, and instead of landing a job with ILM, you spend ten hours a day making a class of children look as realistically flattened as possible. Congratulations! You're keeping Ireland safe.

Then there are the drawings of kids actually being killed. If any weirdos wondered what a cross between a snuff film and a Bazooka Joe comic would look like, here's a panel where a truck runs over a kid in a leaf pile.

Police Safety League
The moral: Fuck raking.

Then there's the one in which someone is dragged underneath a train and "killed instantly" because his mind was "on the game" -- a reference to a sporting event, sadly not implying that the future author of those books about picking up women will be run over by a train.

Police Safety League
If he was a Browns fan, this is actually a better fate.

For some reason, someone thought that comic books were a good way to promote safe sex -- despite the fact that most people read comic books because sex isn't really on the table. One AIDS-related comic in the '80s was The Rubbers Brothers. If the phrase "AIDS-related comic" wasn't enough to make you shut down your browser, keep reading!

Rubbers Brothers Comics
"Send five bucks and we'll mail you another book that might actually teach you something!"

In The Rubbers Brothers, two anthropomorphic condoms are big stars on some kind of prophylactic vaudeville circuit. Like Abbott and Costello, if Abbott and Costello left giant puddles of semen behind them everywhere they went.

Rubbers Brothers Comics
"Who's In First?"

Bizarrely, a lot of the comic is devoted to the backstage bickering of the two showmen, like if Neil Simon wrote The Sunshine Boys, but for talking birth control devices.

Rubbers Brothers Comics
Broken records sure are annoying. As are broken condoms -- not that this comic ever tells you that.

Then the more dickish (pun not intended) of the two condoms pushes the other into the toilet, because for some reason, there's a giant toilet backstage at the talking condom show.

Rubbers Brothers Comics
Marking the first time someone requested a condom for hand stuff.

The comic even features an educational game -- but instead of teaching safe sex, it's all about nutrition, because why not? We might as well drink fully from the cup of madness at this point. And who better to teach your kids about a balanced diet than a condom with a goddamned face.

Rubbers Brothers Comics
"Remember to always save a few carrots and bananas, in case your boyfriend forgot the Trojans."

The Rubbers Brothers end up taking a road trip, during which they bicker like an old married couple and get pulled over by a cop.

Rubbers Brothers Comics
Also, you're sick if you use a condom, apparently. Lesson learned?

Then they're attacked by some kind of mutant testicle creature.

Rubbers Brothers Comics
Wait, why does the testicle have an ass?

So ... take that, AIDS! Jesus, trying to win the war against sexual ignorance with this comic would be like storming the beaches of Normandy armed with a sofa cushion.

Rubbers Brothers Comics
Of course they'd make a connect-the-dots that looks like this. OF COURSE.

The voiceover urges: "Take off ALL your clothes. Don't let modesty make your injury worse." Which is the kind of talk you usually have to pay $3.99 a minute for. The next part of the safety protocol seems to be an unwritten precaution: Stare at your friend's penis like you're going to be describing it to a police sketch artist later.

American Chemical Society
"Hey, uh, speaking of burning chemistry ..."

They even cut to a close-up of the kid, in case you hadn't noticed the surprising amount of leering going on.

American Chemical Society
They removed the steam from his goggles in post.

Seriously, if your safety video is one Barry White song away from being banned by the FBI, something got screwed up along the way.

The whole thing seems more like a creepy art school project than a government-sanctioned safety video. For instance, there's the sight of two child-sized mannequins setting each other on fire with sparklers. It's the kind of thing you'd expect to see in Silent Hill, not on the National Mall in Washington, D.C.

U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
Even Pyramid Head would throw up his hands and say, "I'm out."

Or kids shooting bottle rockets at each other -- with the aid of a zipline to make sure the bottle rocket hits one right in the eye.

U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
This is Nick Fury's origin story in the Marvel movie universe.

Adding to the David-Lynch-like horror, the dummy has a man's head on a child's body.

U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
Spoilers for the Twin Peaks reboot. Probably.

Things get more unnerving, as what are clearly department store mannequins lose limbs ...

U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission

... get fucking decapitated ...

U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission

... and have their desks blow up in their faces.

U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
"If you're going to blow your head off, please do it outside. Desks get taken out of the school's budget for next year."

It makes you think less about fireworks safety and more about how much of your tax dollars are going toward the purchase of flammable mannequins.

Other kids get impaled, or generally fucked up:

Phoenix Street Transportation Department
Helmets are shitty and useless. Good to know.

Is this the product of a city safety commission or a cartoonist whose wife left him for a bike courier? This isn't even the first bike safety comic to totally lose its shit. The 1970s comic Danny And The Demoncycle features an asshole kid literally using his bad bike riding to murder drivers.

Virginia Highway Safety Division
Finally, a real safety lesson.

Danny is rewarded for his misdeeds with a trip to the hospital, where he's given a new bike by Satan himself.

Virginia Highway Safety Division
Maniacal, psychotic, bloodthirsty laughter is the best medicine.

So things don't seem too bad. Danny gets a new bike and meets an international celebrity. However, the bike has a mind of its own, and drives crazy fast through dangerous terrain with Danny stuck helplessly to it like a peace frog.

Virginia Highway Safety Division
"HOLY SHIT! THIS IS AWESOME! HAIL SATAN!"

The story is obviously meant to scare kids straight, but it kind of makes it seem like Danny is now invincible and has the world's fastest bike. That's not a cautionary tale; that's Ghost Rider's origin story. In the end, Danny renounces driving like a lunatic, and (we're told) lived happily ever after. Which is generally code for "the Devil ripped his payment from Danny's flesh."

Virginia Highway Safety Division
Pictured: the face of happiness.

Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: to get there you'd have to cross a bridge. Sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy, if you fell off you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer as they discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!

For more PSAs that clearly started out as horror movies, check out The 10 Most Disturbing PSAs From Around The World and 4 PSAs Scarier Than Any Hollywood Horror Film.

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