6 Plants And Fungi Designed By Mother Nature (And Satan)

Known as the "naked man orchid," because it was first discovered by a scientist named Nakid Manning the -- no, come on: It's obviously because the flowers look like paper cutouts of nude dudes with floppy dongs. Some of the orchids even have smiley faces, which actually makes it far, far worse.

Drow_male / Wiki Commons
You know dick pics have become an epidemic when even Mother Nature sends them.

Here's the Devil's favorite candy:

Yuksing / Wiki Commons
It's the only Halloween treat that would be less terrifying when stuffed with razor blades.

That's actually a water caltrop, and though it bears a striking resemblance to Tim Curry from Legend, it's more closely related to the least exciting part of your Chinese takeout: the water chestnut. They are apparently edible and quite nutritious, just chock full of both vitamins and evil. Obviously evil.

Tanantornanutra / iStock
You can't eat just one, for if you do, the others will track you down and take brutal revenge.

Ink cap mushrooms are surreal fungi that look like they're being melted by the power of the Devil. This Tim Burton-approved decomposer drips fluid from its gills as a way of spreading spores around more effectively. The cap of the mushroom peels away in stages, liquefying from the outside in.

Roel_Meijer / iStock
Even the cursed and the damned love a good fondue.

You'd have to be either very secure in your spirituality, or extremely drunk, to even consider eating one, but they are edible -- that is, of course, unless you've been drinking, in which case they're poisonous. Ink cap mushrooms contain a toxin that prevents your body from breaking down the substance in alcohol that causes hangovers, so if you wash one down with a gin and tonic, you'll feel like you spent all night pounding shots at a 21st birthday party. But hey, the ink they produce can actually be used as writing ink. So next time you need to write a letter to Azazel, He With A Thousand Mouths But No Voice, you know where to go!

These fungi are edible, but only when cooked in a very particular way, otherwise they're completely toxic. So if you want to make a big splash at your next annual Halloween bash, take a huge bite out of a brain mushroom to the horrified gasps of onlookers -- you can pick one up at your nearest Finnish supermarket. Or graveyard.

It's strange enough that they look like an umbrella made out of veins, but even stranger that they actually bleed.

Al Jazeera

Discovery Communications
"If it bleeds we can kill it ... I think ..."

The red liquid the trees release upon being cut or wounded isn't actually blood -- it's obviously just resin. But like, resin is the blood of the trees, man. You ever think about that? Really, really think about that?

Shit, sorry. We may not have cooked that brain mushroom right ...

What's The Best Fictional School To Attend? In the muggle world, we're not given the opportunity for a magical hat to tell us which school we should go to. Usually we just have to go to the high school closest to where we live or whatever college accepts our SAT scores and personal essay. This month, our goal is to determine what would be the best fictional school to go to. Join Jack, Daniel, and the rest of the Cracked staff, along with comedians Brandie Posey and Steven Wilber, as they figure out if it's a realistic school like Degrassi or West Beverly High, or an institution from a fantasy world like Hogwarts with its ghosts and dementors, or Bayside High, haunted by a monster known only to humans as Screech. Get your tickets here!

For more reasons The Happening maybe isn't so dumb, check out 10 Creepy Plants That Shouldn't Exist and 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of.

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