Storm of the X-Men is a team leader, a nation's monarch, a goddess, and an Academy Award-winning actress, in order of social importance. But there's another, even greater accomplishment she could add to that list: fixing the ozone layer. You remember that thing, right? The sucker preventing us from getting melted alive by the sun's UV rays and microwaved by the universe in general? Since Storm's power is to control the weather, you assume she'd be completely useless in space, but guess what: There's weather in space, bucko. Storm has not only been there, she's demonstrated the ability to control cosmic forces such as solar winds.
"When you crash back to Earth, try to hit Brett Ratner's house."
This isn't minor, since solar winds actually contribute to damaging the ozone layer. That's right, it's not all cars and cow farts -- sometimes the sun itself tries to break right through Earth's condom. Fortunately, Storm can divert the danger away from the Earth by merely thinking about it. Boom, now it's Mars' problem, and you know what? Fuck Mars. There, we finally said it.
Feels good to get that off our chest.
Swamp Thing Could Undo Global Warming
In the comics, Swamp Thing has control over not just the plants in his general vicinity but "every iota of plant life on this planet" -- and we're quoting the official DC website here. He can do this through a sort of plant-exclusive Internet called "The Green." Understandably, he's a fan of the environment, so why the hell hasn't he gotten off his ass and stopped global warming already?
"I need to find out if she picks Gale or Peeta."
Climate change is mostly caused by our tendency to pump too much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, but even if we stopped altogether, it still wouldn't be as good as actually removing the carbon. Fortunately, plants breathe in carbon dioxide. Swamp Thing can literally breathe in all of the global warming on Earth and exhale pure salvation.
In one issue, a bad guy almost uses The Green to make all plants on Earth produce too much oxygen, so we know this is totally possible. As an actual personified ecosystem, not only can Swampy save the rain forests and create sustainable food sources around the world, he can grow new plants anywhere -- enough to undo a century of pollution. All this with no more than a mere thought and a breath. What is he doing that's more important than that?
Oh, all right. Carry on, then.
What do Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson in Taken, and the Dos Equis guy have in common? They're all losers compared to some of the actual badasses from history whom you know nothing about. Come out to the UCB Sunset for another LIVE podcast, April 9 at 7:00 p.m., where Jack O'Brien, Michael Swaim, and more will get together for an epic competition to find out who was the most hardcore tough guy or tough gal unfairly relegated to the footnotes of history. Get your tickets here!
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