5 Insane (Yet Satisfying) Ways Jilted Lovers Got Revenge
Nazareth perhaps said it best when they said, "Love hurts. Ooh, ooh. Love hurts." Being jilted by a lover is simply an unavoidable facet of the human experience, and we all deal with it in our own, typically self-destructive ways. But while our usual method of soothing a sprained heart (i.e., attempting to make our lives look somewhat less than pathetic on Facebook while whimpering in a puddle of chocolate ice cream and Jack Daniel's) is already sad enough, these people made it look even more so by elevating sweet revenge to a true art form:
A Man Finds 101 Hilarious Uses For His Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress
Much like a condom, a wedding dress is worn just once, only to be tossed aside in a sticky, hopefully not torn heap at the end of the most awkward half-hour of your life (until the next go-round, anyway). Much unlike a condom, a wedding dress tends to cost an amount of money that should really only be discussed in the presence of a car dealer and/or mortgage broker.
When Kevin Cotter's wife dumped his ass after 12 years of marriage, he found her wedding dress neatly stowed away in a largish box in his closet. When he asked her what he should do with it (he had new man-things to store, after all), she politely replied, "Whatever the fuck you want."
Much to her chagrin, it's an answer Kevin took literally. He started simply, using the storage box as a makeshift coffee table.
What a savage. That absolutely does not match the couch.
But it obviously couldn't end there -- not nearly enough beer space. After a brainstorming session with his family during which his brother suggested that he use it as taffeta toilet paper, his sister-in-law remarked that there must be 101 uses for the dress. Kevin's sister-in-law married down, apparently. A month later, Kevin lugged the dress along on a weekend fishing trip, and that's when things took a turn for the beautiful.
Kevin began photographing his journey with the dress, which was used, among many, many other things, as a superhero cape, a fishing net, a tow rope, and a scarecrow:
Fear leads to ... this, apparently.
He started a blog, quickly became an Internet sensation, and the whole thing snowballed when fans suggested ever more creative and ridiculous uses for the dress. He even wrote a book, predictably titled 101 Uses For My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress. By the time he got around to using it as a sumo mawashi, the dress was looking a bit worse for the wear. Kevin, on the other hand, made a damn fine man-baby.
The word "dapper" comes to mind. Also, "diaper."
A Pissed-Off Army Of Mistresses Exposes Corruption In The Chinese Government
Chinese TV anchor Ji Yingnan's relationship with Fan Yue was the storybook definition of being swept off her feet. She met Fan in a restaurant on her birthday, and it soon became apparent that her birthday wish had come true: Before she knew it, he was taking her shopping at Prada, buying her computers and Audis, giving her a thousand-dollar-a-day "allowance," renting a swanky apartment for the two of them to live in, and literally placing a crown upon her head before proposing to her at a fancy party.
There were just two slight problems that Ji wasn't aware of. First, Fan was already married and had a teenage kid. Second, he didn't work in information technology, as he'd claimed -- he was a low-ranking Chinese government official. If you're wondering how he was able to lavish young Ji with the type of lifestyle we've described on a modest government salary in a freaking communist nation, you can join about a billion and a half other people who were wondering the same damn thing.
Their second question: "Him?"
When Ji discovered -- after four years of living with her supposed fiance -- that she'd been duped, she took her story straight to Weibo, China's answer to Facebook and Twitter. And boy did she have an assload of evidence to flop onto the world's computer screens, because Fan apparently possesses an outright lack of understanding of how selfies work.
"I just won't develop this; she'll never know the difference."
Just to make extra sure the story got out, she also personally stood outside the Communist Party's headquarters handing out CDs of the couple's photos and videos. And as absurd as that sounds, it doesn't hold a candle to the fact that Ji's experience is just one of many, many cases in which corrupt Chinese officials have been outed by their mistresses -- or, as they're known in China, their "little thirds."
Liu Tienan, a high-ranking energy official, lost his post when his mistress exposed the fact that he'd scored $200 million defrauding banks. Lei Zhengfu became the former Chongqing district party chief after his sex tape with an 18-year-old woman leaked. A Shandong official found himself in hot water when his handwritten promise to his mistress to divorce his wife "mysteriously found its way onto the Internet."
"Goddammit, what's the point of even censoring our Internet, if this happens? I mean, come on."
It's become such a common occurrence that the running joke in China -- that scorned mistresses have done more to root out corruption than any government anti-corruption effort possibly could -- isn't really much of a joke at all.
Simone De Beauvoir (Fictionally) Murders Jean-Paul Sartre's Lover
When French philosopher and playwright Jean-Paul Sartre "proposed" to also French philosopher and novelist Simone de Beauvoir, he made the terms quite clear. "What we have is an essential love; but it is a good idea for us also to experience contingent love affairs." And so the two entered into a pact much more suitable to two high-thinkers than anything so stifling as marriage: They never lived together and had an open relationship, the only rule being that they would tell each other everything. Everything.
While that sounds ... unconventional, their actual arrangement flew right past unconventional and landed somewhere on the far side of Fuckedupsylvania: Beauvoir groomed her teenage students by introducing them to the life of an intellectual, taking them out to cafes and having long discussions on philosophy (also, lesbian sex). She then handed them over to Sartre, who would try to seduce them -- essentially, she was pimping for him. If you're wondering why a famous French philosopher would need help scoring trim, well, Sartre was notoriously ugly, had appalling personal hygiene, and was unabashedly awful in the sack. Beauvoir made herself a real catch, is what we're saying.
Here they are with Che Guevara, creating the most douchey freshman dorm poster imaginable.
It was all fun and games until one of their conquests got under Beauvoir's skin. When she introduced 17-year-old Olga to Sartre, Olga rejected his advances. Sartre became obsessed with her and pursued her relentlessly for two years ... which must have been squirmingly awkward for Olga, seeing as he was also her financial guardian and teacher. Sartre was jealous of Olga's preference for Beauvoir, and Beauvoir was in turn jealous of Sartre's preference for Olga. She would later write, "The agony which this produced in me went far beyond mere jealousy."
Obviously, there was only one way to untangle this covetous knot: Beauvoir would have to murder Olga.
Actual surveillance photo.
Wait, she didn't actually murder her. No, instead she wrote She Came To Stay, a barely fictional account of the Sartre-Beauvoir-Olga love triangle, with one glaring difference: Beauvoir made her own doppelganger murder Olga's character at the end. And, just in case that didn't get the point across, she also creepily dedicated the book to Olga. And just in case that still didn't get the point across, Beauvoir also proudly conducted a years-long secret affair with the man who would eventually become Olga's husband.
The moral of the story? We're not entirely certain, but at least we now know never to intrude on an existentialist philosopher's "open" relationship, because she will philosophize your shit up.
Frida Kahlo Taunts Diego Rivera By Banging His Political Hero, Leon Trotsky
You know Frida Kahlo as the artist famous for painting self-portraits in which caterpillar gangs are in the midst of a turf war over her face:
We're not sure who's winning -- the Brows or the Lips.
Her husband, Diego Rivera, was a famous artist in his own right ... though his fame paled in comparison to that of his tallywacker. That wasn't a joke: Legend has it that American women traveling to Mexico in the 1920s and '30s were often told that having sex with Diego Rivera was an essential part of the experience.
Also, this is Diego Rivera:
Ladies, we'll understand if you need a moment to go make a quick panty swap.
Their relationship was famous for being an open marriage, with the two tossing their genitals around more freely than tequila shots on Cinco De Mayo. Rivera boasted about Frida's lesbian liaisons, but her affairs with men tended to send him into fits of jealous, pistol-waving rage. Frida, on the other hand, didn't get jealous ... until, that is, Rivera decided to toss the ol' Diego to her youngest sister, Cristina. Luckily, Frida soon had the perfect opportunity for revenge.
See, if there was one thing more well-known about Rivera than his sexual prowess, it was his fervent Communism -- particularly the flavor favored by his long-time political hero, Leon Trotsky. As it so happens, Trotsky was in the process of getting booted out of Russia by his rival, Stalin, and Rivera jumped at the opportunity to spirit his political idol to Mexico to live with him and his young wife.
Trotsky repaid his hospitality by relentlessly boning Frida.
Because Communism is all about sharing, after all.
The two didn't even attempt to hide their affair. They constantly spoke English in front of their spouses, neither of whom could understand what the hell they were saying. Frida came up with a pet name for Trotsky: "Little Goatee." Trotsky passed Frida love notes in full view of everyone like a fucking second-grader, except even a second-grader makes a valid attempt at hiding it from the teacher. Frida even painted one of her famous self-portraits for him. And to put a cherry on top of the stained-leather-couch sundae, their favorite spot to do the hairy tango was Cristina's house, which Rivera had likely bought for her.
But Frida's humiliating affair with his hero didn't prompt Rivera to whip out his threatenin' pistol. No, Rivera took his punishment like a good little cuckold, right up until the Trotskys moved out when Rivera came to the realization that, at the end of the day, he really didn't care as much for Trotskyism as he thought.
And just in case you're thinking that Frida having sweaty sex with Trotsky is the most disturbing image an artist will put in your head today ...
An Artist Commissions A Creepy Life-Size Doll Of His Former Lover, Has A Public Affair With It
The story started off like a premise for a tragic wartime romance movie: Upon returning from World War I, painter Oskar Kokoschka discovered that the love of his life and his muse, Alma Mahler, had betrayed him by marrying another man. But that's where the heartbreaking background music ends with a record scratch, because Kokoschka decided that if he couldn't have her alive and breathing, he'd have the next best thing: a life-size Alma Mahler doll.
So he gave doll-maker Hermine Moos thoroughly and disturbingly anal instructions:
"Yesterday I sent a life-size drawing of my beloved and I ask you to copy this most carefully and to transform it into reality. Pay special attention to the dimensions of the head and neck, to the ribcage, the rump, and the limbs. ... Please permit my sense of touch to take pleasure in those places where layers of fat or muscle suddenly give way to a sinewy covering of skin. ... The point of all this for me is an experience which I must be able to embrace!"
"Please also lock the mouth in a gaping manner ... it's important."
Holy shit. But wait, it gets even creepier when he goes full-on Buffalo Bill:
"Will the skin -- I am really extremely impatient to find out what that will be like and how its texture will vary according to the nature of the part of the body it belongs to -- make the whole thing richer, tenderer, more human?"
And in case you're not squirming yet:
"Can the mouth be opened? Are there teeth and a tongue inside? I hope."
Hermine must have sensed that she was in imminent danger of becoming a skin suit, because why else would she crank out this feather-covered sack of nightmares?
"Paint me like one of your French girls. BACOCK!"
Predictably, Oskar was less than impressed with the doll's realism, complaining that the feathers made dressing it in fine garments difficult as all hell. Nevertheless, that didn't stop him from obsessively painting the doll in erotic positions, holding parties in her honor, taking her to the opera, and even hiring a maid to dress and look after her. It seems Alma Mahler would have been in for a life on Easy Street had she remained faithful.
Haha, no, probably not. When Oskar eventually grew bored of the doll, he chopped off its head, poured wine all over it, and dumped it out a window. This prompted a police questioning the next morning, as there had been reports of a beheaded corpse in his yard. And though her pretend life may have been tragically cut short, the doll's legacy remains: A painting of her titled Woman In Blue is widely considered Kokoschka's masterpiece.
You know as well as we do that he painted this with his dick.
Yes, Nazareth was indeed correct. Just ask the video game playing couple in 10 Divorce Stories Too Strange To Make Up. And we really admire people who turn revenge into an art form -- sometimes literally. Like the inmates at a Vermont corrections facility and others in 21 Acts Of Revenge That Took A Baffling Amount Of Effort.
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