4

DuckTales: Foreigners Are Gullible, Backwards Idiots

Walt Disney Television Animation

3

District 9: Apartheid Had Some Good Ideas

TriStar Pictures

District 9 tells the story of the alien "Prawns" trapped in a Johannesburg ghetto, where they are reduced to second-class status by an abusive government. It's a thinly-veiled allegory for apartheid, and one of the strongest cinematic arguments against it, next to Danny Glover's impassioned outburst in the middle of Lethal Weapon 2 ...

TriStar Pictures
"I know my rights as a crustacean ... bug ... cthulu ... thing."

The Horrible Message:

... except for the fact that the alien Prawns (who, remember, are meant to represent the oppressed blacks in South Africa in this parable) are helpless, stupid, feral monsters who eat both cat food and human beings. They're completely unable to take care of themselves without their benevolent white slumlords. There are one or two exceptions (specifically, the hilariously-named Christopher Johnson and his secret child), but on the whole, the movie gives us every reason to believe that the aliens would have wandered into the desert and gotten eaten by lions a long time ago if their white masters hadn't put a fence around their ghetto.

To make things worse, all of the actual black people in the film are violent, insane Nigerian gangsters. And not just your run-of-the-mill gangsters; they're deranged, cultish savages, obsessed with eating the Prawns in the superstitious belief that consuming their flesh will give them superpowers. There's even a sequence in which they drag our white hero into their tent to eat him, which is like an image from a woodcut out of a racist 17th-century encyclopedia.

TriStar Pictures
Worst of all, they made him lose one of his J. Crew oxford shirt buttons.

2

TaleSpin: Imperial Japan Got What Was Coming To It

Walt Disney Television Animation

TaleSpin was a '90s animated series in need of a space in the title, starring Disney characters going on adventures in airplanes. It was different from DuckTales in that it starred a bunch of anthropomorphic bears and took place in the 1930s.

The Horrible Message:

Unfortunately, in addition to its setting, the show also seems to have borrowed its racial sensitivities from the 1930s, as seen in "Last Horizons." In this episode, main character Baloo discovers Panda-La, a hidden city populated entirely by Chinese restaurant mascots from South Carolina.

Walt Disney Television Animation
Made in the 19-goddamn-90s.

But to be fair, the residents of Panda-La aren't really substitutes for Chinese people. They're supposed to be Japanese, despite the fact that pandas are native to China and do not live in Japan. We know the pandas in this episode are supposed to be Japanese because their leader, Emperor Wan Lo (voiced by Japanese-Canadian actor Robert Ito), convinces Baloo to lead the pandas to Baloo's home town of Cape Suzette -- which they immediately begin to bomb in a treacherous sneak attack. Also, we are informed that the attack on Cape Suzette is happening 20 years after the events of "the Great War."

Walt Disney Television Animation
And light years after the point at which a script reader should have said, "Dude, what the fuck?"

1

The Twilight Series: Catholics Are (Literal) Monsters

Twilight Wiki

Twilight is a piece of fan fiction about not having sex with a vampire before marriage, but still obeying his every whim and command, because that is your duty as a woman.

The Horrible Message:

Catholics don't appreciate the dangerous fantasy of the Twilight universe, because the main villains in the series are part of what is essentially the Vampire Vatican.

No, really. The undead of Twilight are ruled by a secretive group called the Volturi. They are headquartered in Italy (hint), ruling from a large, domed, basilica-like building (big hint), and they claim the right to tell other vampires how to live their lives (Hint Eastwood). The evil vampire Illuminati is structured exactly like the Catholic Church.

Summit Entertainment
"No vampire will use a dental dam while sucking blood. It's not natural."

And when someone breaks one of their sacred rules, the Volturi have a few handy sadists to interrogate/torture the heretics. For instance, the powerful Volturi Jane loves to torture people with her psychic ability to make them feel like they are being burned alive. Looking at her, you wouldn't expect her to be so vicious. But then again, nobody expects the Vampire Inquisition.

Summit Entertainment
"Our chief weapons are surprise and crippling psychic agony!"

In Breaking Dawn, one free-thinking vampire even tells the Volturi, "We never put on white hats and called ourselves saints." It makes even more sense when you consider that the author of the Twilight series, Stephanie Meyer, is a practicing member of the Mormon faith -- an unofficial branch of Christianity long at odds with Catholicism. Catholicism in turn considers Mormonism to be the religious equivalent of a weirdo slumber party full of all the kids no one wants to hang out with. So it makes sense that Meyer would use her bestselling novels to call Catholics a bunch of evil, self-righteous parasites. Feel free to try to figure out on your own who the werewolves are supposed to be.

Ian Ury is Pip Ury's twin brother and likes to write for Cracked and stuff. If you wanna comment drop him an E-mail at IanMartinUry@gmail.com or follow him on Facebook, Twitter or his blog.

There's a few other products you should probably avoid if you aren't into that whole racism thing. Check out what a bigot Sherlock Holmes really was in The 6 Most Secretly Racist Classic Children's Books. Or see the Justice League's rampant racism in the Seanbaby classic 5 Shockingly Racist Scenes In Famous Superhero Comics.

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