7 Embarrassing Conversations That Were Overheard By Everyone
Some jobs require people to be extremely serious and tactful while dealing with the general public, but our cops, bank tellers, and butt doctors are still human beings -- and human beings can be huge jerks.
Historically, this has always been the case. The difference is that now, thanks to the wonders of technology, it's easier than ever for those trusted professionals to accidentally broadcast the shit they say behind our backs to all of civilization. This includes insults, perversion, and bales of racism. For example ...
Anesthesiologist Doesn't Know She's Being Recorded, Insults Patient's Penis
If you've ever gone in for surgery, you've definitely worried that one of the medical team will decide to take a look under your garments. It's only natural. Of course, it's completely ridiculous to think that a group of highly trained professionals are looking to snatch a peek at any ol' genitals that come their way. Or, at least, it used to be a ridiculous notion.
Worrying that he'd forget the post-operation instructions on what medications to take, etc., one man from Virginia went into a routine colonoscopy with the voice recorder on his smartphone running. However, while reviewing the tapes later, he discovered something horrific: what a colonoscopy sounds like. Also, the anesthesiologist making fun of the patient's junk and speculating that it was ridden with both syphilis and tuberculosis, only presumably stopping short of grabbing her plague doctor mask and quarantining the entire building.
It's pretty clear who the biggest dick in the room was.
The tape also caught her calling the patient a "retard" for getting queasy during an injection, describing how she wanted to punch him in the face and "man [him] up a little bit" after talking to him for five minutes, and worst of all: making fun of him for being too nervous (the worst nightmare of a nervous person). After telling another doctor that he should get a fake page to avoid talking to the patient after the operation, the anesthesiologist laughs and says she'll write "hemorrhoids" on the patient's chart even though he didn't have them. That wasn't a joke, by the way -- she really did that.
Thousands of hemorrhoid convictions in the state of Virginia have been overturned because of this woman.
With evidence in hand, the patient went law-crazy and sued the anesthesiologist and her practice for defamation and medical malpractice. After a three-day trial that we can only hope involved the guy whipping out his dick and saying, "The prosecution rests," the practice was fined $500,000. Having undergone that sort of ordeal, we hope he spent the money on a tiny hat and coat for his dick, because damn -- this case gives hope to every guy who has had his penis insulted by a partner.
Officer Accidentally Tells Entire State Police Force About His Secret Drinking Room
When giving a tour of the office to the new guy, it's important to clue them in to everything from the tea-making rotation, to the tiresome office prankster, to the super-secret high-tech man cave that you had built specifically for drinking booze and slacking off during working hours. At least, that was the tour given by a police officer working at the Stickney Water Treatment Plant in Illinois.
How do we know this? Because while giving a new officer a tour of the facility, he accidentally keyed in his radio and broadcast everything he was saying to his superiors at the Illinois State Police ... which is unfortunate, because mid-way through he gave the newbie a Training Day-style "don't rat us out" speech and then launched into a description of a secret drinking den that the workers had built. It also didn't help that he talks like a Sopranos character:
This guy says "fart-ass" a lot.
This wasn't some amateur operation, either: The "apartment" (as they called it) contained a microwave, air-conditioner, refrigerator, DVD player, radio, sofa, and an entire annex dedicated to holding their massive fucking balls. If this place was built anywhere else, it'd probably fetch a six-figure sum or at the very least be classy student housing.
It's got a working toilet, so make that "better than student housing."
Perhaps magically sensing that this was his opportunity to gain Internet immortality, the officer also dropped some c-words while referring to female colleagues and an n-word to describe a superior, then went on to describe Martin Luther King Jr. Day as "James Earl Ray Day" (after King's killer). And, remember, that's how he talks to a guy he just met. In all, the blabbing officer managed to keep his spiel going for at least 58 minutes, which is handy considering a future career as an estate agent is probably the only thing he has going for him following his suspension from the force.
Videographer At A Jewish Wedding Forgets To Edit Out "Hitler Was Right" Comments
Your wedding is meant to be the greatest day of your life -- your mother-in-law temporarily stops criticizing you, your partner is now legally bound to put up with your terrible bed farts for the remainder of eternity, your photographer thinks Hitler was a swell guy ... wait, what?
One couple from the U.K. hired the modern-day equivalent of Leni Riefenstahl to video their wedding day, something that they discovered only after they listened to the unedited tapes. The unedited tapes that, we might add, were given to the couple by the videographer in question. Some highlights:
As you can see, while traveling from the wedding ceremony to the post-marriage, pre-coital boozefest, the camera accidentally picked up the videographer (described as a "former vegan karate champion") throwing some serious shade at the bride. He starts off by saying she's "not a very attractive bride at all" and commenting that Jewish women are "cows," but once he's warmed up, he launches into a full-scale anti-Semitic rant about how Jewish people think "they're better than everybody else because they're from Israel."
By the time he's recording the party itself, he's moved on to advocating the Holocaust. We're not sure what's more offensive: his comments or the quality of his recording skills.
OK, it's the comments.
The wedding video also included shots of random people on the street, 10 minutes of a duck pond, and only about half the ceremony -- and that's the edited version, hence the couple asking for the raw footage and hearing the racist comments. After the story went viral, the videographer lamented that the couple didn't accept his apology and released the video to "attack him." He wondered: "What's worse, what they've done or a quiet conversation between me and my partner?" We'll get back to you on that one.
Police Helicopter Blasts Conversation About Blowjobs Across City
You know that famous joke about airline pilots and stewardesses and accidentally leaving their cockpit microphone open? Well, that just happened. Except it wasn't a plane; it was a helicopter. And instead of a horrified plane-load of passengers, it was an entire neighborhood.
Followed by vigorous spitting, presumably.
While on a routine patrol over Winnipeg's West End, the two-man crew of a police helicopter did what all guys do when they're alone: talked about their feelings ... about blowjobs. At some point, the conversation became so animated that someone must have started fist-pumping and flipped the wrong switch, because the helicopter's public address system (meant to be used to control crowds) suddenly took on an unfortunate second role as a smut loudspeaker.
Although we don't have a transcript of what they said -- aside from the troublesome mention of "too much body hair" and something about money -- it was ridiculous enough to get people scrambling on social media to talk about it. In the end, the police were forced to issue an apology for the officers blowing their load (of conversation) over the area.
"Our new pilot policy will limit conversions to being about handies
during school and work hours."
However, they noted that only "some content of the conversation was inappropriate." We'd love to have been a fly in the room when they were deciding what parts were safe for work. Talking about the department? Yes. Talking about body hair? Yes. Talking about teeth? Probably keep that until after landing, you guys.
IRS Agent Accidentally Broadcasts Woman's Personal Info On Howard Stern
As regular readers might be aware, it isn't easy working for the IRS. What with the near-constant threat of being murdered and the pressure of knowing that you could easily destroy someone's life, we can probably cut them a little slack for listening to the radio while on the job. However, the line gets drawn at accidentally broadcasting a taxpayer's personal information to the world. That's a loss of Casual Friday privileges at least. Furthermore, it all happened after the unfortunate employee decided to call into the Howard Stern Show.
"Sir, under your withholding you just drew a swarm of pert nipples."
After being placed on hold by the station, he decided to field a call of his own from a taxpayer. Unfortunately, during the excitement of helping someone work out how badly the government is screwing them, he forgot to check on how his other call was going ... the one that was now live on-air and picking up every word he said.
Stern did try to get the agent's attention by shouting his name, but he either couldn't hear him or was so "in the zone" that he just kept doing his job. It was then that the woman he was talking to started receiving text messages from listeners, presumably including variations of "Baba Booey." Those same listeners, we might add, most likely heard a deafening thud seconds later after the penny (and the IRS employee's bowels) dropped. By the way, the agent still went on to talk to Stern after that and, while he didn't disclose his exact position (come on, that's private), he did admit that he worked for the government.
Keyword being "worked."
As for the woman: Along with her telephone number, this incident resulted in the release of ... well, every piece of confidential information about her life, as well as (predictably) a nonstop slew of oh-so-funny prank calls from your uncle. As a result, she briefly considered suing, before realizing that listening to Howard Stern is already punishment enough.
Tech Guru Keeps Leaking His Own Sex Chats During Podcast
Someone with a long-running webseries entitled The Tech Guy is expected to know their stuff about the dangers of showing an image of your email inbox in an age of print-screen and the gossip mill. Apparently, nope. In a shining example of setting yourself up for a fall and/or the world's most-niche exhibitionism fetish, one particular tech guru just can't stop leaking his sex chats to his audience of middle-aged people trying to figure out this World Wide Web thing.
In one incident, he was showing off a spam message that he'd received through Google Voice, and the camera picked up a conversation with his partner. Well, we say "conversation" -- it actually reads like the monologue of a serial killer who torments his victims with poorly structured haiku:
"come over. I'm naked in bed.
waiting for you. the door is open.
i still smell and taste you. i adore you."
In another incident, he decided to show his remaining viewers how many unread emails were in his inbox, presumably because he needed to fill some airtime with the least brag-worthy accomplishment possible ... at which point he accidentally revealed an email from his partner asking him to "read some emails" in her "inbox." If you know what we mean. He even zoomed in on the part of the screen that showed the sext:
No, it's not the one from Mitt Romney. We think.
And then there's the time he showed a dick to everyone while scrolling through the photos on his cellphone, an incident that he later blamed on trolls. So, if your dad called worried about the penis trolls inserting photos into his phone, now you know why.
Houston Is Just The Worst
Remember the blowjob-copter from earlier? Imagine what would happen if that conversation happened over an entire region. Have an idea yet? Good, because that happened and, holy shit, do we wish that it was a conversation about blowjobs.
In the skies above Houston, Texas, one pilot for Southwest Airlines decided to unleash their inner Howard Beale and rant about how unattractive flight attendants from Chicago and Houston are. For those interested in specifics: "It was just a continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandes" in Chicago, while Houston only has "(expletive) old dudes and grannies and there's like maybe a handful of cute chicks." This is, of course, between bouts of hoping that the mythical sexual allure of being a pilot will eventually overpower his terrible personality.
Coming this fall on CBS.
In all, he broadcast his public service announcement for two minutes, blocking air traffic control from communicating with any planes for that period. When they eventually got through, they -- with all the restraint in the world -- asked, "Whoever is, uh, transmitting, better watch what you're saying."
The same situation occurred years earlier in, again, Houston, after two firefighters decided to liven up an otherwise-boring day with a discussion about ... oh shit, race. The discussion heard across all 90 fire stations in the city covered topics as broad as the NAACP, what would happen if someone decided to start a "white college fund," and every totally-not-racist asshole's favorite fallback: reverse racism.
The firefighter hasn't been identified, but his current location has been
narrowed down to "this article's comments section."
Their conversation was interrupted by someone wisely asking everyone to check their microphones, presumably only because Houston has some kind of training program for inhumanly diplomatic radio controllers.
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