The 6 Shittiest Ways People Have Woken Up From A Bender
Look at you: You drank too much last night, and now you've woken up in what you sure hope is a puddle of your own urine, with a brand-new tattoo of a fire-breathing dragon screaming the name "Sheila." You don't even know a Sheila. Truly, your life is an anthology of poor decisions. But take heart, friend! It could always be worse. You could have woken up from your bender like one of these poor bastards ...
In An Entirely Different Country
When someone close to you dies, it's totally understandable to have a few drinks to take the sting out of it. After Englishman James O'Kane attended a friend's funeral, he apparently had a lot of sting. Thus he sent off his friend in the most British of ways -- by embarking on an epic 16-hour drinking binge.
The next few scenes in the slideshow of this man's life are missing like the lost section of the Watergate tapes, but according to him, the next memory he has is of a flight attendant gently waking him to inform him that his flight had arrived in Amsterdam.
"Be careful out there. The other passengers are pissed that you drank our entire mini-bar."
Apparently, O'Kane drank the U.K. dry and wanted to see if the Netherlands was holding. Unfortunately, his drunken self had not taken into account such considerations as money, accommodation, or how to make it to work on time in the morning.
"I got us to legal weed and hookers. As far as I'm concerned, I did my job." -Drunk O'Kane
As a result, he wound up on the streets of Amsterdam with no cash, nowhere to stay, and running a few time zones late to the office. Luckily, he managed to scrounge up enough money to call his mother and ask her for money and a hotel room. Hopefully his cover story involved MI6 and some launch codes.
But O'Kane isn't the only Englishman whose drunken doppelganger got the itch to travel. In 2013, 19-year-old Luke Harding went out with some friends on an all-night bender and, after blacking out, woke up in a bathroom in a Paris airport.
He then joined a French boy band as "the drunken English one."
After taking a few selfies full of palpable regret, Harding managed to catch a same-day flight back home. That's way worse than the time we woke up in our neighbor's apartment, but you still don't see Paris pressing charges, do you Mrs. Henderson?!
Inside A Garbage Truck
Donald Jordan and Lisa Sirbella had been drinking at the Hard Rock Casino in Tampa, Florida, when they decided to call it a night. Luckily for the pair, the casino was attached to a hotel where they could easily book a warm, comfortable, clean room for the night. So, naturally, they climbed into a dumpster outside of a Wawa convenience store and spent the night on a mattress of garbage (which, to be fair, is way more comfortable than it seems. Yes, we speak from experience).
Detroit motel rooms, we call 'em.
Unfortunately, the next morning happened to be garbage day, and their trash nap was cut short when they found themselves cascading into the back of a garbage truck at 5 a.m. Trash collector Radmas Velasquez was about to activate the crushing mechanism in the back of his truck when he looked behind him and saw Jordan jumping up and down. That tiny little decision -- to check the backup camera before activating the crusher -- narrowly saved Jordan and Sirbella from permanently fusing with a bunch of old diapers and empty egg cartons. Which is a good thing. A dumpster is a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to spend eternity there.
On An Uninhabited Island
In 2013, Stephen Coffee finished up his shift at Art's Bar And Grill in South Carolina, then decided to spend the rest of the evening making ample use of the wall of liquor behind him. After reaching the point of intoxication where memories are basically just dreams with life consequences, Coffee recounted that he had a vague recollection of swimming. That makes sense, because the next morning he woke up face down on Drum Island, an uninhabited lump of dirt in the harbor at Charleston.
"Journal Entry: Three hours, not a mint julep or BBQ joint in sight. Morale continues to dwindle."
Freezing cold, with a throbbing headache and presumably an ass full of sand, Coffee stumbled around the island for some time trying to signal for help. But with no reason for anyone to ever go there, he was basically a hungover Tom Hanks from Cast Away. Eventually someone spotted him and reported it to police, and the Coast Guard and fire department turned up to rescue him. Hopefully they brought plenty of Gatorade and bread.
On The Face Of A Cliff
In 2010, a drunken 19-year-old Ukrainian tourist was planning to watch the sunrise from atop a cliff outside of Sydney, Australia, when he wisely decided that the cliff was an unsafe place to be. Then he unwisely decided to get off of it by scaling down the cliff face. Without any equipment. Wearing only a pair of shorts.
Amazingly, he didn't wind up a stain on the beach below: After getting halfway down, he figured "close enough" and went to sleep on a precarious outcrop 30 meters above the ocean.
Drunken Man, Drunken Man, does what no sober tourist can
Is he soused? Listen, bud, his BAC's more booze than blood
Look out, here comes the Drunken Maaaaaan!
Eventually, some fishermen spotted the nearly naked man, decided he likely wasn't there on purpose, and called the police. A massive rescue operation was launched, involving helicopters and trained emergency personnel, but the tourist didn't get to see the spectacle, because he was still so fast asleep that the rescuers had a hard time waking him up when they finally reached him.
"Five more minutes," he presumably told them.
"You've already had five minutes," they probably answered. "Also, you're about to fall off a cliff."
"OK, just two more minutes then."
Inside A Body Bag
Polish man Marek Michalski went on a bender back in 2013, but he eventually realized he'd reached his limit and decided to take a nap on a nearby park bench. Not the worst place a drunk has ever bedded down, but probably one of the worst places a drunk has ever woken up: That is to say, in the morgue.
"Wait, I'm only mostly dead!"
"Eh, that's what they all say."
Michalski fell into such a deep alcoholic coma that, when an ambulance arrived to check on him, medical personnel were unable to find a pulse or detect his breathing. They pronounced him dead and whipped him off to the local morgue. Michalski woke up inside a body bag and began to scream for help, but it wasn't until he rolled off the gurney that hospital staff figured out that the guy was alive.
We guess when you work in the morgue, you just become immune to screaming.
According to Michalski, he was planning to sue the hospital for giving him nightmares about the ordeal. Presumably, the hospital employees are counter-suing him for giving them nightmares about zombies.
"He just kept moaning, 'Baaacarrrdi.'"
Surrounded By The Corpses Of 70,000 Chickens
Joshua D. Shelton was hanging out with a group of friends after a concert in 2012 when somebody suggested the perfect venue for a bitchin' after-party: a poultry farm. Once there, they proceeded to get the kind of drunk that's only possible while surrounded by farm animals.
Wilbur's not the judgmental type.
When the party wound down, Shelton decided to go home, but mistakenly wandered into the chicken barn instead. "Chickens got feathers; feathers are in pillows ..." his drunken brain likely figured, so he laid down among them to sleep it off. And that's how Shelton accidentally brought about the Chicken Holocaust. See, before lapsing into drunken unconsciousness, Shelton groped around for a light switch to flick off. Technically, he succeeded -- by pulling the circuit breaker that cut the power to the entire building.
From the chicken's perspective, this had basically turned into the dumbest horror movie of all time.
Without regulated atmospheric and temperature controls, the chickens in the shed began to die off within 15 minutes. Over the entire night, around 70,000 chickens passed away. Although Shelton claims not to remember anything after leaving the party, he was charged with burglary, trespass, and malicious destruction of property to the tune of about $20,000. Sure, that's a huge amount of destruction just for falling asleep with your shoes on, but Shelton is the real victim here: Every time he closes his eyes, it's going to be like he attacked a chicken too many times in Zelda.
Kevin Phelan is a reporter in New York's Lower Hudson Valley who interviews people like Kevin Bacon, Cary Elwes, astronauts, and Joan Rivers (RIP). He wants to thank Ashley Wanamaker for the idea that inspired this article. You can book Kevin's face here or tweet at him here.
For more astonishing acts of partying, check out The 7 Most Unexpectedly Awesome Parties in History and The 19 Greatest Feats of Partying by Famous People.
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