Polish man Marek Michalski went on a bender back in 2013, but he eventually realized he'd reached his limit and decided to take a nap on a nearby park bench. Not the worst place a drunk has ever bedded down, but probably one of the worst places a drunk has ever woken up: That is to say, in the morgue.
Inside a body bag.
"Wait, I'm only mostly dead!"
"Eh, that's what they all say."
Michalski fell into such a deep alcoholic coma that, when an ambulance arrived to check on him, medical personnel were unable to find a pulse or detect his breathing. They pronounced him dead and whipped him off to the local morgue. Michalski woke up inside a body bag and began to scream for help, but it wasn't until he rolled off the gurney that hospital staff figured out that the guy was alive.
We guess when you work in the morgue, you just become immune to screaming.
According to Michalski, he was planning to sue the hospital for giving him nightmares about the ordeal. Presumably, the hospital employees are counter-suing him for giving them nightmares about zombies.
"He just kept moaning, 'Baaacarrrdi.'"
Surrounded By The Corpses Of 70,000 Chickens
Joshua D. Shelton was hanging out with a group of friends after a concert in 2012 when somebody suggested the perfect venue for a bitchin' after-party: a poultry farm. Once there, they proceeded to get the kind of drunk that's only possible while surrounded by farm animals.
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Wilbur's not the judgmental type.
When the party wound down, Shelton decided to go home, but mistakenly wandered into the chicken barn instead. "Chickens got feathers; feathers are in pillows ..." his drunken brain likely figured, so he laid down among them to sleep it off. And that's how Shelton accidentally brought about the Chicken Holocaust. See, before lapsing into drunken unconsciousness, Shelton groped around for a light switch to flick off. Technically, he succeeded -- by pulling the circuit breaker that cut the power to the entire building.
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From the chicken's perspective, this had basically turned into the dumbest horror movie of all time.
Without regulated atmospheric and temperature controls, the chickens in the shed began to die off within 15 minutes. Over the entire night, around 70,000 chickens passed away. Although Shelton claims not to remember anything after leaving the party, he was charged with burglary, trespass, and malicious destruction of property to the tune of about $20,000. Sure, that's a huge amount of destruction just for falling asleep with your shoes on, but Shelton is the real victim here: Every time he closes his eyes, it's going to be like he attacked a chicken too many times in Zelda.
Kevin Phelan is a reporter in New York's Lower Hudson Valley who interviews people like Kevin Bacon, Cary Elwes, astronauts, and Joan Rivers (RIP). He wants to thank Ashley Wanamaker for the idea that inspired this article. You can book Kevin's face here or tweet at him here.
For more astonishing acts of partying, check out The 7 Most Unexpectedly Awesome Parties in History and The 19 Greatest Feats of Partying by Famous People.
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