6

Pokemon Origins -- Squirtle Goes For Blood

The Pokemon Company

Pokemon has had some out there moments, from Japanese Clint Eastwood waving guns in kids' faces to a teen girl getting shamed by a dude with giant inflatable tits, but it could be much, much worse. Despite the central premise essentially being about electrocuting creatures to unconsciousness, the cartoon has always politely avoided eye contact with the brutality of cockfighting -- the worst injury any Pokemon ever suffered is looking exhausted and sprouting @ signs.

The Pokemon Company

Well, that changed in Pokemon Origins, the recent miniseries intended to serve as a more faithful adaption of the first Pokemon game ... as played by 4chan, apparently. In the first episode, there's a fight between Squirtle ("Blue Turtle" according to your mom) and Charmander ("Baby Dinosaur with Tail on Fire") that quickly takes a turn for the horrifying:

The Pokemon Company

5

Transformers (Original Series) -- Bizarre, Random Racism

Hasbro

One of the biggest criticisms against Michael Bay's Transformers is the use of racism disguised as comedy. You could argue that the other flaws -- unrealistic action, convoluted origin story -- are just the result of the animated source material. But the dumb racism? That sort of stuff never happened in the '80s cartoon!

Except for that time the original Transformers traveled to the little known Arab nation of ... "Carbombya." Get it? Because Arabs = terrorism?

Hasbro

4

The Amazing World of Gumball -- Gumball Clearly Gives A Blowjob To A Balloon

Cartoon Network

3

Teen Titans -- Raven Gets Stripped For Her Satanic Dad

Warner Bros Television

The Teen Titans are the kids' version of the Justice League, or what happens when a comics writer says, "Hey, what if we had a super-team where Robin is the most badass character?" As seen in the Cartoon Network show, besides Robin, the team is made out of Beast Boy (a kid who can turn into animals), Cyborg (a cyborg), Starfire (a happy alien princess), and Raven (the witch daughter of the king of hell).

Yeah, one of those things isn't like the others.

Warner Bros Television

2

Spider-Man (The Animated Series) -- Straight-Up Body Horror

Marvel Animation

Spider-Man is the hero everyone wants to be. Sure, his loved ones tend to get killed by criminals, but his powers are awesome: super-strength! Agility! Spider sense! Four extra arms that painfully emerge from his torso! Wait, what?

Marvel Animation

Nope, that's not an animated, direct-to-DVD sequel to David Cronenberg's The Fly -- it's from the '90s Spider-Man cartoon, which, for a show that banned punching and went out of its way to avoid harming pigeons, sure loved putting poor Peter Parker through brutal transformations. During the "Neogenic Nightmare" storyline in the second season, we find out that the whole "does whatever a spider can" bit goes further than we all thought: Because of his radioactive blood, Peter is slowly turning from a man with the powers of a spider into a spider the size of a man.

First, Spider-Man spends a full episode rolling around in pain like he's passing a kidney stone, which of course doesn't stop him from delivering even more painful quips (actual dialogue: "It feels like I'm getting massaged by Wolverine ... from the inside!"). Then the extra arms pop out, and the screaming continues until this finally happens:

Marvel Animation

1

The Powerpuff Girls -- The Powerpuff Girls Go To Hell

Cartoon Network

If you never saw The Powerpuff Girls, don't worry: Every episode was pretty much the same. Every episode ...except one. The one called "Speed Demon" begins with the titular superpowered preteens deciding to race each other home after school -- only to find, once they get there, that their beloved Professor Utonium has turned into a miserable old man trying to recreate the accident that brought the girls into existence, but failing every time because he forgot the formula.

Cartoon Network

What about the comically absent-minded Mayor? Oh, that guy is dead. Also, his once hot assistant has turned into a Gollum-like creature who hates the girls.

Cartoon Network

It's the same all over town: Everyone's dead or insane. Him, the effeminate devil, shows up and explains what happened: When the Powerpuff Girls reached superspeed, they traveled into a future where the whole world has gone to hell, and ... hey, isn't this the plot to Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey?

Cartoon Network

Anyway, the girls beat the crap out of Him with tears in their eyes, but he just turns into his true devil form (basically, Satan from South Park) and summons the tortured souls of Townsville to blame the girls for this bleak future. There are no jokes or clever innuendos. The damned people of Townsville morosely chant that this is all these little girls' fault for ... going straight home after school?

Cartoon Network

In a desperate move, maybe to kill themselves in guilt, the girls fly to outer space and fall back to Earth in superluminal speed, creating another wormhole. They find Townsville back to normal, with the lesson that if they ever leave the stupid city for so much as a weekend, everyone they know will suffer for all eternity. So remember kids: Make sure to take your time when you walk home from school, or the same thing will happen to you.

For more cartoon jokes that flew over our heads, check out 6 Creepy Things You Never Noticed About Famous Kids Cartoons and 5 Grossly Inappropriate Jokes Hidden in Children's Cartoons.

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