Turns out you're not a bunch of Gollums hiding away your Cracked-Precious after all. You actually like to share our dick-joke larded chunks of wisdom!
Check out this week's favorites, which will be the foundation of a vast psychological profile we're compiling of you people...
"Pony play": a kink thing even kinkier than you kink it is. #Photoplasty
Chemical analysis and X-ray detection showed that Brazilian wandering spiders' fangs have metal atoms dispersed throughout, mainly copper, magnesium, iron and zinc. They're basically the Wolverines of the arachnid world. #CrackedClassic
Notable Comment: "Pictures of various bugs usualy [sic] show a human hand under them. Volunteers have courage."
Notable Reply to Notable Comment: "Arm from a dead guy."
Get laid late, get paid all over the place, m'fers! #CrackedClassic
Notable Comment: "Just mastutbate [sic] and be happy."
When you look at the tactics multi-level marketing companies (like Amway) use to recruit people, you might start to wonder if they're more cult than company. Sometimes the families of MLM members get so desperate they hire people to get their loved ones out of the programs--just like with cults.
And now please, please, please someone make a movie about a doomed love affair between a coulrophobic and a coulrophiliac. That's like all the Sundance awards in a can right there. #Photoplasty
Gold Star Comment: "As opposed to Coulsonphilia, which is a strong sexual attraction to that SHIELD guy."
Given the current regulatory opposition to handheld things with triggers, we don't expect this to change. #CrackedClassic
Gold Star Comment: "Johannesburg, South Africa: A few years ago, with the astronomically high rate of carjacking, BMW devised a FLAMETHROWER OPTION, that would straight roast a motherfucker if they tried to carjack you. Kinda like the back of the cab in the beginning of "Heavy Metal". I still want one. LOL"
Show us something cuter. You can't. #Photoplasty #CrackedClassic
Wet Blanket Comment: "They also drown and rape baby seals."
Luckily we have bats, for now, to eat them. #Photoplasty
Notable Comment: "I can confirm the type O thing. Those bitches love my sweet sweet nectar."
Kids stand over their sleeping mothers holding butcher knives and yelling "redrum" over and over all the time - nothing weird about that. #CrackedClassic
Notable Comment: "He was my anatomy professor. He is brilliant!"
Most people would have a complicated system of wires and harnesses to do this stunt. Jackie Chan decided he didn't need any of that garbage. #CrackedClassic
Gold Star Comment: "Everybody talks about Chuck Norris, but if Chuck Norris kicked Jackie Chan in the balls, he would be sucked in and absorbed by the massive gravitational force of Jackies [sic] humongous nuts...."
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.