5 Hilariously Horrible Attempts To Teach Kids Real Issues
Back in the day, if you wanted to learn about the real world, you'd mosey on down to your neighborhood library or lyceum or mastodon graveyard or tree stump you think looks like God's head and just soak up the knowledge and all those wild ancient smells. But here in the 21st century, educators have a wealth of pedagogical tools at their disposal -- some of which are no real improvement over the god-stump.
"Wear a Condom," Warns the Luchador With Dick Hands
First thing's first, this is what sex ed looks like in Canada. Surprisingly, sweet vans with Rush album covers painted on the side are not involved:
Don't shake any of their hands.
That there's a screenshot from Adventures in Sex City, a two-level browser game developed by Ontario's Middlesex-London Health Unit. First, the player must choose one of four characters: the virginal Super Vag, Willy the Kid (a dwarf with "massive rock-hard strength"), Power Pap, or Captain Condom, who is somehow the most boring of the lot despite the fact that he is a grown man wearing a prophylactic as a hat.
Cutting large holes in your condoms is totally the message you want to be sharing.
Once you select your hero, you must engage in a battle of doing-it wits against the Sperminator, a levitating luchador who blasts diseased, fanged sperm from his varicose dick-arms to your face should you have no idea what a dental dam is or think toothpaste can cure herpes. Yes, this is probably the only sex-ed lesson in history which involves the bad guy giving you a facial.
"WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE TWO, FOUR-INCH PYTHONS RUN WILD ON YOU!?!"
Once you finally demonstrate enough times that you know that ejaculating onto a glacier cannot get Mother Nature pregnant -- or however the hell sex works in Canada -- the truth itself will cure the Sperminator of his boner-handed STI, which really goes against the spirit of the game as long as we're being honest. But we reiterate: Everything's crazy different north of the border.
"Our next game involves asking your crabs to politely go away."
There's also a second level about substance abuse starring a drunk supervillain named Bloody Mary terrorizing Sex City, which is either a tampon ad or a Prince song. But there are no people with limbs shaped like veiny erections in that stage, so we're just going to end this paragraph right now.
Third Reich Knockoff LEGO Sets
We recently discussed the existence of Chinese bootleg terrorist LEGO sets, but the Polish company Cobi Toys went all out with sets that re-created World War II in brick form. Along with British and American soldiers, children can delight in re-creating Stalingrad and Normandy with tiny Nazis, which we presume are even more painful when accidentally stepped on.
"The holocaust playset did not exist!" -Cobi CEO
Although Cobi Toys failed to realize from the get-go that most parents might not want their kids intermingling rictus-grinning Nazis with their normal LEGO playsets, it didn't take long before the outcry grew and retailers refused to continue stocking the toys. The toy company declined to stop production and remained steadfast in their position, insisting it was "good fun" and "teaching history," even if this meant distilling the Warsaw Uprising and its 200,000 civilian deaths down to two men jovially playing catch with a Molotov cocktail.
"ALLES IST GROSSARTIG! ALLES IST COOL, WENN MAN TEIL EINES TEAMS IST!"
And hey, because no tragedy is too tasteless for toy form, Cobi also have a limited edition Titanic set for your tykes to festoon with Voldemort and R2-D2 and generic old West cowboys and palm trees and skeletons wearing space helmets.
"Lifeboats not included!"
Dancing Penises and Vaginas From Sweden
A Swedish kid's program called Bacillakuten aimed toward the 3 to 6 age demographic recently decided to run an animated music video starring cartoon genitalia flopping around to a ridiculously catchy ode to junk that will be rattling around your head on your deathbed.
Willie (who is the penis with Ace Ventura hair) is accompanied on-screen by Snippan (the bow-clad vagina) as they groove along to such lyrics as Here comes the penis in full gallop! And if at this point you're thinking, "This video needs a trio of penises with a hat and a mustache," you're in luck!
Just when you thought fedoras couldn't get any more creepy.
The ladies shouldn't feel left out, however, as the song indicates that Snippan is cool, even on an old lady.
Actual lyrics: It just sits there so elegantly.
The killjoys at Youtube failed to see the educational value of an anthropomorphic geriatric vagina and added an age restriction. Fortunately, the station that airs Bacillakuten fought for Willie and Snippan's right to be enjoyed by Scandinavian children and stoners worldwide, and freedom and justice and singing phalluses prevailed from sea to shining sea, and the United Nations building turned into a giant vagina-penis GoBot.
Send a Dick Pic and Your Grandma Will See It
To alert parents to the fact that the Internet is just a cesspool full of diarrhea on fire, the United Kingdom charity the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children launched a website featuring an animated tale of woe titled "I Saw Your Willy." The video begins with a child protagonist named Alex taking cellphone pictures with a classmate in an insultingly green room, all the while being silently judged by a dog sporting a head scarf. At one point, Alex thinks it would be hilarious if his pal took a picture of his junk and sent it to another friend.
Yeah, that's our face too, Corner Dog.
As you can probably guess, that friend sends it to another friend who shares it with every adult stranger Alex passes on the street. They all heckle him, which says some extraordinarily dark things about the United Kingdom's aggregate Internet browsing habits. It gets so bad that Alex receives a random text from a bully, brutally comparing his penis to detritus.
"I looked @ it 4 over an hour just 2 b sure."
The video culminates in poor Alex finally making it back home, only to walk in on his grandmother analyzing his willy on a tablet. And while this video might not scare children away from over-sharing on the Internet, it at least saves parents from the danger of actually having to communicate with their kids for 60 seconds.
"Your grandfather is dead, but his legacy lives on."
Excruciatingly Janky Slavery and Plague Simulators
Have you ever wondered what Super Mario 64 would look like if it were made for $37 by unaccredited middle school history teachers on an ether binge? Look no further than the Playing History computer game series for 8- to 14-year-olds, all of which star dead-eyed child heroes trapped in some shitball era of the written record.
"Those that don't learn history are doomed to repeat it. Forever and ever and ever ..."
The game "Vikings" follows a young viking boy named Erik in "his journey from cradle, youth, and eventual grave," a plot so depressing that any kid playing would need immediate grief counseling upon beating the final boss. (Odin? Rancid herring? Just spitballing here.) And in "The Plague," you play a lost little boy in Florence who assists in scraping diseased corpses off of the streets, all the while trying to find your mother who SPOILER ALERT has probably succumbed to the Black Death.
"Pick your mother from this pile in under 30 seconds to get the good ending."
The fucked-up pinnacle of this trilogy of horror is a game called "Slave Trade," which delivers exactly what the title promises. The game explores the horrors of the trans-Atlantic slave trade using a young boy as the protagonist and Crash Bandicoot graphics. The game isn't 100 percent bleak, as the developers give you a mouse sidekick designed to ease your poorly rendered existence as human chattel.
No, really far from fucking "Okay."
Your protagonist's range of quests includes fetching items for the captain of a slave ship, buying more slaves, and ergonomically stuffing one of the greatest tragedies in American history into a boat like so many Tetris blocks, a mini-game they straight-up carried over from "The Plague."
*Play for Horrific Full Effect*
For more childhood stupidity, check out 5 Ridiculously Sexist Ways Toy Companies Are Targeting Kids and The 5 Most Excessively Creepy Children's Educational Videos.