6 Bizarrely Sexual Easter Eggs Lurking in Kids' Video Games
We tend to forget that the people who made the classic games of our youth were gamers themselves, just like you or us -- and just like you (but not us), they were also big pervs. Since most of these games were made before instant Internet porn became a thing, some of the developers had to express their most basic desires anywhere they could ... like, for example, in some innocent children's game.
That's the only reason we can think of for why they went out of their way to slip in saucy stuff like ...
Ratchet & Clank 2 -- Spontaneous Boob Enlargement
We're not sure if anyone's noticed this, but female characters in video games are getting more and more voluptuous as time goes by -- if Ms. Pac-Man came out today, she'd have knockers the size of her head. Well, the makers of Ratchet & Clank (a rated-E-to-T platformer series starring a talking cat and his robot pal) took a rather literal approach to this trope. Let's just say that if anyone ever found out how to make this Easter egg real, every plastic surgeon in California would go bankrupt.
At one point in Ratchet & Clank 2, you stumble across a hoverboard race hosted by a curvy green-skinned alien. On your first encounter, Miss Alien Host looks like this:
"If you see William Shatner, tell him he owes me alimony."
If for whatever reason the pivotal chase scene from Back to the Future 2 wasn't enough to prompt you to immediately sign up for some high-octane fun, you could just linger in front of the host and begin repeatedly performing elaborate side-flips.
Behold: The Legendary Canadian Courtship Dance!
Who knows what sort of sad, strange, and undoubtedly mentally misaligned individual originally felt this odd performance was worth a go, but as it just so happens, this bizarre display will not go unrewarded. You see, the more you perform gymnastic stunts in front of her, the more the female alien's breasts will inexplicably inflate.
"So, boobs basically work just like penises, right?"
"Uh ... yeah, man. I've totally touched some."
By the time you finish your steamy workout and finally stop to take a glance at what your Olympic performance has yielded, you'll realize you've garnished the poor creature with a monstrously large bosom. Thankfully, she seems happy enough about it, though we can't imagine that the intense balancing act that just became her everyday life will do much for her sports career.
At least if she falls off the hoverboard, her landing will be automatically cushioned.
And for those who already rushed to Amazon and can only find the HD remake of this game: Don't worry, they left the big-boobs trick untouched, because of course they did.
Kirby's Dream Land 2 -- There's a Naked Lady Hidden in Plain Sight
The Kirby titles are probably among the most innocent video games of all time: You play as a sexless pink puffball who bounces around, sucking up enemies and absorbing their powers. There's really not much room for sexual misinterpretation in this series, unless you've got some kind of vore fetish.
This didn't stop some anonymous developer from sneaking what appears to be a blocky portrait of a naked woman into the secret level 5-5 of Kirby's Dream Land 2 ... and we have the hot pics to prove it. You enter the stage and immediately notice that the blocks at the top resemble a smiley face:
You can thank millions of years of human evolution for this ability.
Then you drop down, and right under the face you spot a strange configuration of obstacles that could easily be misinterpreted as a pair of boobs:
Judging by those rock-hard boulders, it must be getting chilly there.
But surely that's all in your perverted imagination and not in the wholesome minds of the professionals who lovingly created this classic children's game. You descend a little further and see a lone block that could stand for a stomach:
Got some lint there.
And then, what are the odds, below that you see what looks like a giant letter "Y" with a somewhat strangely positioned enemy stuck in a place where it couldn't possibly hurt Kirby -- why, it's almost like someone intentionally put it there to represent something else that's black and fuzzy ...
Someone isn't a natural redhead.
... or, you know, they definitely put it there for that purpose, because when you look at the whole thing together, it's pretty obvious that all the sexy pieces of this erotic jigsaw puzzle intentionally form a crude drawing of a naked lady. Since the game was originally played on tiny Game Boy screens, it was apparently not until a Japanese strategy guide showed the map to the level that players realized what was prompting all those unexplained boners.
She seems pretty happy to have Kirby going down on her.
It's not exactly a Penthouse centerfold, but it's still impressive to see what this one-handed artist managed to do with such limited tools at his disposal. We salute you.
Banjo-Kazooie Series -- Pornographic Geography and Seamen Puns
The original Banjo-Kazooie for N64 isn't a particularly challenging game: You control a lovable, happy-go-lucky bear and his wise-cracking bird companion as they go around the forest picking up polygons. However, plenty of kids used to go out of their way to die just to feel that tingling sensation in their pants whenever they saw this "game over" screen:
Whenever you run out of lives, you see that short cutscene with the villain of the story transforming into a green-skinned babe (what's with the green fixation, developers?), but the most important part is the way she talks -- all the characters in the game communicate through adorable gibberish, but her unique brand of nonsense sounds like an electric piano tone made out of porn star orgasms.
Still, that's pretty tame compared to the sequel, Banjo-Tooie, which is a much harder game ... in every sense. If you fly to the top of the world in the dinosaur-themed level, Terrydactyland, you'll notice a Ron Jeremy-sian sight below:
"Life, uh, finds a way."
Yep, the lush landscape you've been carelessly frolicking in is actually a giant green penis (seriously, stop it with the green fetish) that appears to be shooting some sort of substance. What could that be? Another part of the game gives us a good indication -- at one point you meet a character called Jolly the Frog, who is as gay as a '90s Nintendo game could possibly make a character without having him come out and say it.
"It's not fabulous being green."
If you go to his inn, you'll meet Jolly's cross-dressing partner, who asks you to drop in Wednesday for the ever-popular Grab-a-Sailor Night.
We haven't gotten to the inappropriate part yet. That would be this:
"Get it while it's still liquid!"
"Seaman's brew"? Seriously? Thank goodness that's not the only thing on the menu.
Somehow, "toad in the hole" sounds even dirtier.
Super Mario RPG -- Princess Peach's XXX Secret
In 1996, Super Mario RPG gave players unprecedented freedom to explore the Mushroom Kingdom in lavish 3D graphics (at least until Super Mario 64 came out four months later and instantly made it look ancient). For example, no other Mario game to date allowed you to go right into the private chamber of Princess Peach, aka Toadstool, look behind her fireplace, and find her ... uh ...
"What an oddly shaped mushroom."
OK, that's awkward. No one's sure what the "???" item is (you're immediately forced to return it), but considering how well it's hidden, how flustered the princess gets when you bring it up, and how the original Japanese version calls it "Peach's XXX," we're assuming it rhymes with "bildo."
But maybe we're reading too much into what was meant to be an innocent joke. Maybe the game's writers aren't all sex-obsessed maniacs who slip inappropriate stuff into family-friendly games. It's not like they created a boss with massive boobs that wobble every time you hit h-
This is what getting motorboated by the invisible man looks like.
Dear God, it's like Mario wandered into a swingers' nightclub. Apparently Super Mario RPG's developers decided that if there's one thing that positively screams "Mario villain," it's freakishly large, broad-chested, alcohol-sipping older women who fly around with tiny, hovering crescent moons. They even took the time to animate the precise motions of her jiggling gazongas, presumably through careful study of old Baywatch tapes.
Once again, looking at the Japanese version provides insight into the character: In the U.S. she's called Valentina, but originally her name was Margarita, no doubt inspired by what the developers were drinking when they came up with this scene. We're not sure if she's shaking because of the hits or if she's just tipsy.
"Careful, Mario! There's a beverage here."
The Adventures of Willy Beamish -- The Erotic School Nurse
The Adventures of Willy Beamish is an early '90s graphic adventure game about an elementary school kid, sort of like an edgier version of Arthur's Teacher Trouble. As in most games of the genre, you spend the bulk of the time gathering objects and rubbing them up against every part of the scenery in the hopes of accidentally doing something right.
But if that sounds boring, you can just play the alternate mode and rub yourself.
They considered using that as the game's tagline.
The game is clearly aimed at a younger audience, but there are some sultry bits of innuendo at play that show that the developers might have been thinking with their willies when they created it. For starters, Willy's pet toad is called Horny. This isn't accidental, judging by the scene where an excited Horny jumps into Willy's older sister's bath, as Willy threatens to have the toad "jump her."
The placement of your hands suggests otherwise, Willy.
However, by far the most inappropriately erotic moment arrives early on in the game, when Willy pretends to be ill and is told to visit the school nurse. One of the other boys in Willy's class seems pretty enthusiastic about Willy's little trip down the hallway, and we soon find out why: The school nurse looks like she just dropped by on her way from a porno shoot.
To be fair, Willy maintained his gaze for a lot longer than we did.
Not only are her breasts impractically large, but they seem to point in wildly contrasting directions, like a pair of divining rods detecting water from opposite corners of the room. While it's forgivable that Willy, a young man at the onset of puberty, would find it hard to restrain himself from sneaking a peek at this gorgeous woman's ta-tas, the trajectory of her gaze is a little ... well, worrying. Add that to the fact that she seems disappointed that there's nothing wrong with Willy, and someone should really call child protective services.
She was really hoping to grope that Willy a little longer.
Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupee Land -- Implied Man-Fairy Sex
The Legend of Zelda games have featured dozens of unsightly monster bosses, zombie enemies that hug you to death, and ghouls that live inside toilets, among other atrocities ... and yet, the most unnerving thing in the entire series is still Tingle, the grown man who thinks he's a forest fairy.
"YO, HEAR ME OUT! Did I do that right?"
For God knows what reason, Nintendo decided it was a good idea to give this guy a game with a name almost as annoying as his face: Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland. To its credit, the game was for the most part just another Zelda adventure, including the parts where you run around collecting rupees, exploring dungeons, fighting enemies, and getting sexual favors from Amazonian fairy girls ...
Toward the end of the game, you'll rescue a pink lingerie-wearing she-fairy about Arnold Schwarzenegger's size who's quick to "reward" Tingle for his bravery. Great, so does she give Tingle some rupees? Maybe she turns him into a real fairy? Uh, quite the opposite, actually. Tingle nervously approaches her, but she asks him to get his butt even closer, until he's almost being suffocated by her cleavage.
"Pay no mind to all the saliva, Link just rescued me earlier."
Without warning, Tingle's backpack balloon spontaneously inflates, mercifully obscuring the two from the player's view just before the lady instructs him to "Enjoy!" At this point, and as hearts flash across the screen, you hear Tingle let out a series of howls of deep sexual gratification that will haunt us to our graves.
You should feel glad GIFs don't have sound.
This goes on for about 15 seconds, which is impressive stamina for a first timer, and when Tingle's balloon shrinks down, the lady is magically gone (turns out she was a real fairy) -- but not before leaving a hologram of herself in Tingle's house so that "If you feel lonely, you'll always have company!" Tingle then goes on to fight the final boss with a renewed energy and a slightly different outlook on life.
As soon as he steps out, the soundtrack changes to "You Make My Dreams Come True."
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For more perverts who invaded our youths' imaginations, check out 5 Inappropriate Children's Versions of Famous Hit Songs and 5 Grossly Inappropriate Jokes on Kids' Comic Book Covers.
Look, the game designers stuck these sexy moments in for a reason. Let their creepy work be known by clicking the Facebook "share" button below.