6 Animals That Look Like Drunken Combinations of Other Ones

For perspective, if a human were to have the same proportions, then Yao Ming's ears would be the size of Jada Pinkett Smith (coincidentally, this is the most interesting fact about Jada Pinkett Smith). But the pygmy jerboa variant is the most damning evidence of nature's lazy reuse of animal traits: This unassuming, tiny little creature can jump up to 9 freaking feet. Nature was so lazy, she didn't even bother changing the leap setting. She just spliced a kangaroo's stats into a mouse body, slapped a rabbit head on there, and spent the rest of the day binge-watching Buffy.

This Skyrim monster of a snake was recently discovered in the mountains of western Iran, which means that for millions of years no one has seen one and been able to report back on it, possibly due to multiphobia-induced suicide.

Behzad Fathinia et al.
Although Lovecraftian insta-madness is in the running, too.

Herpetologists decided to toss some live birds in with the viper, because noble pursuits aside, some scientists are just sadistic little kids that never outgrew burning ants with a magnifying glass. They believed the snake's terror tail functioned as a lure (think anglerfish), and sure enough, the birds made their move toward the wildly gesticulating tail, mouths watering at the prospect of an easy meal:

Via Youtube
Eye-popping terror often whets our appetites as well.

But instead of a tasty morsel, the birds ended up with a face full of fangs and lethal toxins. So if you ever find yourself trekking through Iran's mountainous regions, do try to refrain from diving face-first toward any giant spiders. It might actually be a snake.

Behzad Fathinia et al.
Ha ha, just kidding. You're already dead.

This is the caterpillar of the Chinese bush brown butterfly and totally not a piece of copyright infringement. Jesus, that is as lazy as it gets, Evolution. You can't just hot glue a kitten head onto a slug. There are rules!

wapichan.cocolog-nifty.com
Intellectual property rules, specifically.

As the name suggests, it's found throughout China, but it actually dwells across all of Asia, including Japan, where it's so goddamn cute and bizarre that it's worshiped as a minor deity. Seriously: You'll find Cat-Erpillars everywhere in pop culture, on everything from artwork to toys.

wapichan.cocolog-nifty.com
Just try to act surprised.

What is this? The product of an illicit and forbidden love at Old McDonald's Farm? We're not sure if we're looking at a beautiful pig or a sheep with a great personality. That's the Mangalitsa, a type of pig that was specifically designed to be as delicious as possible. It was bred by Hungarian nobles who tasted the glory that is bacon and thought "This will not do." So they set about breeding a tastier pig, with more lard. They ended up with a pig so delicious that its pork was reserved for Hapsburg royalty.

Nienetwiler/Wiki Commons
"We fed them a combination of fine grass, money, and poor people."

Its lard is valued by chefs all across the world because of its magical flavor-enhancing abilities. And its fur is equally valued by nasty perm enthusiasts.

Guido Gerding/Wiki Commons
Apparently you can spray activator with cloven hooves.

Wait, what? Did we take a wrong turn at the art museum and step into a Dali painting?

That's a Thecosomata, also known as a butterfly snail, which grows no larger than a single grain of sand. We are, of course, cheating a little bit. We're bastards, we know -- it's not flying through the air, but rather slicing through the water. Their "wings" are in fact extensions of a modified foot, but work just as well for flapping gracefully through the sea like an avid gardener's feverish nightmare.

The way butterfly snails eat isn't quite as graceful as their locomotion: They secrete copious amounts of mucus to create billowing, detritus-catching nets that can cover an area much larger than the snails themselves. When in danger, they can jettison the mucus, leaving a goopy minefield behind for encroaching predators to wade through. Despite their disgusting proclivities, scientists consider them important as a "canary in the coal mine," since the slightest change in oceanic acidity can dissolve them like the citizens of Toontown. But until that day, we can all rejoice in the elegant ballet that is the flapping, snot bubble-hurling sea snail.

Russ Hopcroft/Wiki Commons
From a distance. Once sea boogers get in your hair, they're not coming back out without a fight.

Its goofy appearance does not belie a gentle, herbivorous nature. Although leaves and flowers do make up the majority of its diet, it is also frequently carnivorous and nasty. Those spike-laden forearms are quick to snatch up hapless prey, while those bolt cutter mandibles on its face make mincemeat out of anything too slow to wriggle from its grasp, including small reptiles.

We wouldn't recommend picking one of these things up, as the spines are reportedly sharp enough to rend flesh. They often emerge victorious in fights with monkeys.

Robert Oelman/Photodisc/Getty Images
Keep in mind: You're pretty much just a glorified monkey.

Kel Zhang is a writer at Cornell University and is spending his days thinking about how he can get one of those delicious sheep pigs. E. Reid Ross is a columnist at Man Cave Daily. You can also follow him on Twitter here.