8 Real Craigslist Ads That Were Clearly Written By Murderers

The above ad seems innocent enough -- who wouldn't like extra spending money? All you have to do is be an attractive female and be willing to negotiate a salary for a job that he never actually gets around to explaining. We're sure he'll break it down, in detail, when you drive out to his neighborless ranch house in the next county. But if you aren't an attractive female, don't waste his fucking time.

Let's take a look at another ad:

OK, that's a bit more clear. Some rich old guy wants to be a sugar daddy -- or, as is put creepily in quotes, he wants an "understanding" with some girl who really likes silk ("Understanding" is a word here meaning "enjoys being strangled with and buried in silk"). Good news, though -- he's blind to race. We can't think of a single reason not to give this guy a call and schedule a series of ongoing secret meetings.

Let's see what else is out there for enterprising young women:

All right then. Here's an all-caps call to arms for fair-to-good-looking slave girls. He's not even offering money -- just "free" room and board, which is what literal slaves received. In exchange, you get to clean a house naked and have sex on command.

Hey, in a new town and need a place to stay? Don't bother with Airbnb -- just hop on good ol' Craigslist and see what's in the area:

This good Samaritan from Pasadena, California, wants you to know that if you're a young woman looking for a place to crash, you'll be perfectly safe staying at his house, because his family is home. Nothing will happen, but if something does happen, oh well. Smiley face.

If any future missing persons wanted to take him up on his offer, they could feel free to hit him up at a phone number that ends with 0692-KILL. That's right -- he put the word "KILL" into his fucking Craigslist ad. You need to respond as soon as possible, though. His family is technically home, but he has a very narrow window before they begin to spoil.

Need a roommate? Craigslist can help! Just get in touch with someone, make sure they're capable of paying half the rent, and watch your financial burdens melt away. The website is full of people looking for quality cohabitants, like this faceless butt, who made sure to put the necessary qualifications up front:

Now, in fairness, we have no reason to believe that this anonymous rear end is incapable of paying rent on time every month, and the mystery dumper celebrates 4/20, which is just as important as a solid credit rating. However, we are a little confused by the second photograph, which appears to be Jim Carrey doing his "crazy stomach" routine.

If you find yourself less concerned with financially stable asses during your roommate search, perhaps you'd enjoy living in a condo as some rich guy's pet. Provided you're an attractive young woman with a modeling portfolio:

Again, here's another person who is not interested at all in credit scores, job history, or employment verification. All he requires is a gallery of photographs, preferably professional. Even better, if you're "open-minded" and "the right girl," you might not even have to pay any rent!

Oh, but you do have to be an attractive woman. He really can't stress this enough.

No words of ours can serve as a proper introduction to this ad:

Hey ladies! Have you ever had fantasies of being brutally raped in bizarrely specific public locations, like this man's former girlfriend, whom he suspiciously refers to in the past tense as if she no longer exists? Then, by all means, write this man a letter, because he offers no other means of contacting him. Who needs a trusted romantic partner when you can respond to an untraceable solicitation for simulated sexual assault?

It's unclear if she's earnestly trying to write a Craigslist ad, a jilted letter to an ex-lover, or a Tracy Chapman song. Whatever the case, this woman goes from addressing random strangers on the Internet to recalling very specific memories shared with a very specific person. It's possible she meant to post this as a "Missed Connection," or rather a "Made Connection On A Blind Date Then Went Totally Fucking Bonkers, Thereby Encouraging You To Never Contact Me Again." There's a section for that, right?

Although he's looking for that one ethereal Latina woman who slipped through his fingers like an idyllic summer evening from so many years ago, he's quick to elaborate that he will allow any woman to sit on his face. He even helpfully included an image to clearly illustrate what he has in mind, to avoid any further miscommunication.