8 Real Craigslist Ads That Were Clearly Written By Murderers
Responding to Craigslist ads is a bit like gambling. Sometimes you get a decent TV at a great price, and sometimes you get a decent TV at a great price and wake up in a shallow grave beneath a frozen layer of rotting leaves in a barren forest crawling with cadaver dogs all searching for your scent.
Sometimes, though, the traps set by serial killers via Craigslist posts are so hilariously transparent, they would actually qualify as brilliant comedy routines if they weren't 100 percent serious.
Totally Not-Suspicious Jobs For Attractive Young Women
We all know what it's like to comb the Internet looking for part-time work, and Craigslist is as good a place as any to find a job, what with quality listings like this:
Congratulations on the worst use of the word "please" in recorded history.
The above ad seems innocent enough -- who wouldn't like extra spending money? All you have to do is be an attractive female and be willing to negotiate a salary for a job that he never actually gets around to explaining. We're sure he'll break it down, in detail, when you drive out to his neighborless ranch house in the next county. But if you aren't an attractive female, don't waste his fucking time.
Let's take a look at another ad:
"Oh, he's white? Sold!"
OK, that's a bit more clear. Some rich old guy wants to be a sugar daddy -- or, as is put creepily in quotes, he wants an "understanding" with some girl who really likes silk ("Understanding" is a word here meaning "enjoys being strangled with and buried in silk"). Good news, though -- he's blind to race. We can't think of a single reason not to give this guy a call and schedule a series of ongoing secret meetings.
Let's see what else is out there for enterprising young women:
"Other benefits" are the best kinds of benefits.
All right then. Here's an all-caps call to arms for fair-to-good-looking slave girls. He's not even offering money -- just "free" room and board, which is what literal slaves received. In exchange, you get to clean a house naked and have sex on command.
"Stay At My House And I Promise Not To Murder You"
Hey, in a new town and need a place to stay? Don't bother with Airbnb -- just hop on good ol' Craigslist and see what's in the area:
"Feel free to shower. Mother won't mind."
This good Samaritan from Pasadena, California, wants you to know that if you're a young woman looking for a place to crash, you'll be perfectly safe staying at his house, because his family is home. Nothing will happen, but if something does happen, oh well. Smiley face.
If any future missing persons wanted to take him up on his offer, they could feel free to hit him up at a phone number that ends with 0692-KILL. That's right -- he put the word "KILL" into his fucking Craigslist ad. You need to respond as soon as possible, though. His family is technically home, but he has a very narrow window before they begin to spoil.
"My Ass Needs A Roommate"
Need a roommate? Craigslist can help! Just get in touch with someone, make sure they're capable of paying half the rent, and watch your financial burdens melt away. The website is full of people looking for quality cohabitants, like this faceless butt, who made sure to put the necessary qualifications up front:
"Call 1-900-MIXALOT; he'll give me a great reference."
Now, in fairness, we have no reason to believe that this anonymous rear end is incapable of paying rent on time every month, and the mystery dumper celebrates 4/20, which is just as important as a solid credit rating. However, we are a little confused by the second photograph, which appears to be Jim Carrey doing his "crazy stomach" routine.
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 6
Man Seeking Pet Woman For Penthouse Apartment
If you find yourself less concerned with financially stable asses during your roommate search, perhaps you'd enjoy living in a condo as some rich guy's pet. Provided you're an attractive young woman with a modeling portfolio:
"Wait, did I say 'leather couch'? I meant 'casting couch.'"
Again, here's another person who is not interested at all in credit scores, job history, or employment verification. All he requires is a gallery of photographs, preferably professional. Even better, if you're "open-minded" and "the right girl," you might not even have to pay any rent!
Oh, but you do have to be an attractive woman. He really can't stress this enough.
"Can I Rape You?"
No words of ours can serve as a proper introduction to this ad:
"Nothing is worse than someone sending unsolicited services or offers against your will."
Hey ladies! Have you ever had fantasies of being brutally raped in bizarrely specific public locations, like this man's former girlfriend, whom he suspiciously refers to in the past tense as if she no longer exists? Then, by all means, write this man a letter, because he offers no other means of contacting him. Who needs a trusted romantic partner when you can respond to an untraceable solicitation for simulated sexual assault?
Woman Seeking Man That She Clearly Already Frightened Away
If you're looking for a relationship, Craigslist has plenty of ads posted by singles looking to mingle. Like this woman, who is interested in pursuing a serious relationship:
"Dinner at my place? I make great boiled rabbit."
It's unclear if she's earnestly trying to write a Craigslist ad, a jilted letter to an ex-lover, or a Tracy Chapman song. Whatever the case, this woman goes from addressing random strangers on the Internet to recalling very specific memories shared with a very specific person. It's possible she meant to post this as a "Missed Connection," or rather a "Made Connection On A Blind Date Then Went Totally Fucking Bonkers, Thereby Encouraging You To Never Contact Me Again." There's a section for that, right?
"Please Let Me Sniff Smell Under You"
Do you happen to be a heavyset middle-aged Latina woman who noticed a man staring you down with laser creep vision from his idling car while you were waiting at the bus stop? If so, great. Craigslist is here to show you that it was all a big misunderstanding -- that man didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. He just really, really wants to smell you:
Never mind, this is the worst use of "please" in history.
Although he's looking for that one ethereal Latina woman who slipped through his fingers like an idyllic summer evening from so many years ago, he's quick to elaborate that he will allow any woman to sit on his face. He even helpfully included an image to clearly illustrate what he has in mind, to avoid any further miscommunication.
"I Will Give You A Full-Body Shave For Free
If you're into personal grooming but don't have the time to do it yourself, look no further than Craigslist, where you can have every inch of your body shorn by a muscular barber Adonis:
"But if an ... accident happens and you suddenly never need money again, I'll be happy to give it a good home."
This guy's ad exudes confidence. He's not in it for the money -- he's in it because he believes in the noble trade of body shaving and the powerful eroticism that goes with it. He takes steps to assure us that he is both sane and calm, which lets us know that he'll keep a sure and steady hand while trimming your pubic hair into a penis beard, or dick mullet, or whatever style you prefer. He shaves your body hair according to your specifications, and don't worry -- he knows what he's doing.