When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? Little kids have this weird idea that they can do and be anything they want. You rarely hear them say "I want to be a data entry technician" or "I want to be a guy who offers free vacuum demonstrations in suburban neighborhoods," assuming you don't regularly interview children inside communist dictatorships.
Or some sort of Batman-mime, for you creative kids who incidentally also have no friends.
Think back for one second -- what childhood dream has life knocked out of you? Being a newspaper comic strip artist? A professional judger? (Not a judge -- a judger. There's a difference.) The president of the United States? Personally, by fifth grade I was convinced I would grow up to be a famous writer or a contemporary Christian music singer like Amy Grant. Or both of those things at once, like a more Jesus-y Beyonce. It took until eighth grade to realize I couldn't sing, and significantly longer to realize I would never be a famous writer. Let us mourn those lost dreams together. I'll wait.
Now let's talk about today, here and now. Maybe you're in college or at a terrible desk job. Or maybe you're at your dream job, shearing alpacas for a living, but there's something missing. Or you're not working at all -- you're between careers, still thinking about chasing those big, larger-than-life hopes you had for yourself that didn't pan out. Or they did -- and you're still bored. Or hell, maybe you're 14. As long as you like to write and are looking for something to do, you qualify to have your life changed by the page on the other side of this link.
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Above: actual photo of a Cracked writer's average weekday evening.
That page is our one-stop shop for signing up to write for Cracked. I clicked it six years ago and joined the Cracked Writer's Workshop, along with a ton of other aspiring writers. And even though it took me a while to get the hang of the workshop, today I have a full-time job as a writer and editor at the biggest comedy website in the world. I get to call myself a writer, which is way better that what I used to call myself (a M.I.L.K. -- mom I'd like to know). "Writer" is way better.
And we want you to be one of us.
You don't need a writing degree or a portfolio of published articles or an "esquire" after your name to write for Cracked. In fact, we're pretty proud of the fact that we've got the lowest entry requirements in town. To begin, all you need is a willingness to go out on a limb and click the link, then take a few days to learn about how the pitch process works. That's it.
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Neither pants nor resumes are required.
If you don't think you're funny, that's OK. We'll help you get there. If you don't think you're a good writer, that's OK, too. In fact, there's a whole team of editors who will work their butts off to whip what you write into shape. Some of them are your favorite columnists, like Dan O'Brien and Robert Brockway and Adam Brown. And most of us started where you are now, clicking a link to join the Cracked Writer's Workshop.
What do you get out of the deal? Well, money, for one thing. Cracked will pay $100 for your first accepted article -- and that's before it even runs on the site. You also get eyes on your work. Millions of eyes, all reading words and jokes and phrases that you wrote. Look at this.
Or read it here!
Do you see that number of viewers???? Walk into any bookstore or Amazon corner store and pick up a book or magazine. The writers of whatever you're holding would probably sell their children to sweatshop factories to get as many eyeballs on their work as that article. Or maybe they wouldn't sell their children, but they'd consider leasing them for a time. So who is Erik Germ? Someone who was sitting right where you are on March 8, 2011, and decided to sign up to be a Cracked writer. Enormous crowds of readers come to our website every day, and we want you to write for them.
We will help you at every step in the writing process. Usually you have to pay to get what the Cracked Writer's Workshop offers, not the other way around. Fortunately for you and me, Cracked has a dirty little secret: They need us just as badly as we need them. Our articles require new writers with new observations to keep working their way into the rotation. Cracked needs fresh ideas and new perspectives, or we'll get pretty stale.
So are you ready to give us a try? Click the link. I'll see you in the workshop.
You can't take it with you. So, they didn't.
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A lot of medical problems read like horror movie scripts.
Oh boy, let's take a deep dive.
Revenge is a lot of things, but most often, it's just a knee-jerk reaction.