"I will knock down the Gates of the Netherworld,
I will smash the door posts, and leave the doors flat down,
and will let the dead go up to eat the living!
And the dead will outnumber the living!"
Dead people eating living people? Check. Complete and utter destruction of society? Check. All of it being caused by some horny chick? OK, this part is new. Ishtar makes the exact same threat in another ancient poem, The Descent of Ishtar, so apparently this was her thing.
Her friends just called her "Awesomeboobs Freakfeet."
But there's more: The next known mention of the zombie apocalypse is in the Bible, of all places, as God's revenge for messing with Jerusalem: "And the Lord will send a plague on all the nations that fought against Jerusalem. Their people will become like walking corpses, their flesh rotting away." (Zechariah 14:12)
The passage goes on to specify that people will then "fight against each other in hand-to-hand combat" -- the only thing Zechariah neglected to mention is that some of them will have crossbows.
"And one shall be named T-Dog, and everyone shall wonder why he's still alive."
And then, in another book of the Bible, the prophet Isaiah even gives some advice to old-timey survivalists: "But your dead will live; their bodies will rise ... Go, my people, enter your rooms and shut the doors behind you; hide yourselves for a little while until his wrath has passed by." (Isaiah 26:19-20)
"And if you'd cut your bitching down by like, half, things would be much more bearable."
Maxwell Yezpitelok lives in Chile and writes things. You can bother him on Twitter. For more from Ashe, check out Weird Shit Blog and The Ashe Can.
For more ways that truth is stranger than fiction, check out 9 Real Life Mad Scientists and The 5 Most Ridiculous Attempts to Be a Vampire in Real Life.