Michelle/Richard was a transgender woman who had been living as a woman for as long as Brittany had known her. Unfortunately, even after her identity was cleared up and the police were able to agree that the real Brittany was not, in fact, the person they had arrested, Brittany's name could not be removed from the arrest record. Apparently, once an inmate is booked into a facility, whatever name that person is booked under cannot be changed or amended for any reason, even if they had their identity stolen, or had been Timecopped.

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"My name? It's uh, last name 'Cop,' first name 'Time.' And they're both italicized."

Luckily, Brittany has paperwork that she can carry around with her at all times should she ever get stopped by the police.

When she told CPS as much, they refused to believe her, and began an in-depth investigation into her life, questioning her employers and her family, and even interrogating the four kids she had who weren't shrouded in mystery (apparently their "in-depth" investigation included scaring and intimidating young children, but not a DNA test or a medical exam). All the while, they were threatening to declare her an unfit, drug-addicted mother and take her children away.

As the investigation dragged on, it came to light that Sachs' car had recently been broken into, and her driver's license had been stolen. The thief was a pregnant meth addict who took the stolen license and marched it to the local hospital to give birth under Sachs' identity, even putting Sachs' name on the birth certificate before strolling back out into the world to continue not giving one haggard shit about the life she'd just farted into existence.

Via CBS News
Feast your eyes on the horrors of a meth addict's meticulously clean, well-furnished kitchen.

Even after this was discovered, Social Services was still unwilling to accept that Sachs wasn't the mother, though to their credit, they finally did a DNA test to prove once and for all that she wasn't. Unfortunately, for some baffling reason the hospital was still intent on sticking Sachs with the $10,000 bill for the birth (remember, that's the birth of a child who wasn't hers by a woman she didn't know). And the battle to clear her medical records may never end, because if you become a victim of medical identity theft, your personal information can be changed by the person who stole your identity. So if Meth Teeth McGee told the hospital her blood type was B, that's what Sachs' records will say from now on. More time, money and vigilance have been put into protecting Battle.net accounts than personal medical information.

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"People with babies can't lie. Everyone knows that."

Nicole McCabe, an Australian woman who had been living in Israel with her husband for two and half years, was six months pregnant and happily awaiting the birth of her baby when she heard over the radio that she was one of 26 people implicated in the assassination of Hamas chief Mahmoud al-Mabhouh, who was wanted by the Israeli government for murder and arms dealing. Mahmoud had been smothered to death with a pillow in his hotel room in Dubai (always a 26-man job). Despite the fact that McCabe had not left Israel in over six months (and that trip had been to Australia, not Dubai), Interpol happily added this 27-year-old pregnant lady to their most-wanted list for murdering a high-ranking war criminal with her bare hands.

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"This is so sweet of you, but do you think we can make it quick? I have a murder appointment at 7."

Further investigation linked the assassination to Mossad, an elite Israeli covert force made famous by Eric Bana in Munich. In order to have access to al-Mabhouh and not be sprayed with bullets like Sonny Corleone on an infinite loop the instant they set foot in the airport, Mossad stole the passports of 26 individuals with clean records and gave them to their assassins to enter Dubai. Nicole McCabe's was just one of the passports they swiped.

Via Theaustralian.com
"That's the one. Her eyes say 'I could kill a motherfucker,' but her hair says 'I'd rather party'."

When the plan was uncovered, however, McCabe and her fellow victims were left holding the bag. She received no help from the Australian embassy or the international community whatsoever, beyond being issued a new passport number to "protect her privacy." For all she knows, some vengeful hit squad could be waiting to car bomb her to the moon for a crime she had no part of. Even worse, her passport was never actually physically stolen -- all the information was gathered from another source somewhere in the system, meaning there was absolutely nothing she could have done to prevent it.

Harrun Majeed, a 14-year Navy veteran working toward a degree at a community college, drove out to the local Publix supermarket to buy his son a birthday cake, because when you live in a town that has a Publix, your birthday cake options are limited to either buying one from the Publix or baking one from couch stuffing and a jar of fresh tears. When he got home, he realized he had dropped his credit card somewhere along the way, and immediately got on the phone with his bank to report the loss and cancel the card.

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"My last purchase? Sexy butt toys. But if you see any charges for lube, that's someone else."

However, the bank informed Majeed that his card had already been used in the time since he lost it to buy two pizzas from a restaurant in the same shopping center as the Publix, for a total of about $40. Clearly, he had dropped the card in the parking lot, and somebody had picked it up and instantly splurged on pizzas in celebration of their good fortune. Majeed called the police as soon as he got off the phone to report the fraud, and the cops drove out to the restaurant to find that, incredibly, the culprit was still there, waiting for the pizzas he had ordered.

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"I believe human mortals call this a 'prank.' I also urinated on one of their child creatures."

The thief was Dr. Richard Ludwig, a dentist who was in town for his son's baseball tournament. Ludwig had a personal net worth of about $3 or 4 million, and $250 cash in his wallet at the time of his arrest for using someone else's credit card to buy two large pizzas for 40 goddamned bucks. He even signed the credit card slip with his own fucking name. It's like he was daring the police to try and explain anything he was doing.

Via CBSlocal.com
Gah! Man, there is no way that psycho doesn't collect the teeth that he pulls.

He was charged with three felonies that could land him in jail for up to 15 years. Worse, he got called a "stupid dickhead" by a comedy website.

You're a stupid dickhead, guy.

As it turns out, the real culprit was a 21-year-old Belgian woman named Kristella Erbicella, who had created a Facebook page in Owlett's name. She'd hacked photos from Owlett's account and doctored others she found online, and had even managed to dupe some of Owlett's former bandmates into accepting her as a friend to make the whole thing seem legit. Erbicella had even found photos of Owlett's young son and posted them on her page, claiming to be his mother.

When Owlett and Remacle confronted Erbicella, she admitted her elaborate ruse and offered both a hasty, pathetic apology before deleting every email and social network account attached to her name and disappearing back into the troll mist of the Internet.

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"Do you think we'll ever see Master Troll again, Father?" "Son, if we do, it'll be too late for us both."

Undaunted, Vargas and her fiance simply went to a different jurisdiction to get their license and got married anyway, because the whole "I've already got two husbands" thing had to just be some kind of clerical error. At least that's what they thought until about five years later, when Vargas was served divorce papers from an Ecuadorian man she had never met.

She refused to sign the papers, but the man persisted. He showed up at her mother-in-law's doorstep and would not be persuaded until she showed him a picture of Vargas' wedding day, in which the man could clearly see that he was in no way represented.

Via NY Post
That's her with her actual husband ... who we're pretty sure the stranger decided he could not best in mortal combat.

You see, Vargas had lost her birth certificate about 16 years earlier, and over time her name and information had been used by two different women in two different marriages, most likely as a type of immigration scam (Vargas is a U.S. citizen, and if the docudrama Green Card is to be believed, you can marry a U.S. citizen to become one yourself).

Vargas was eventually able to get the phony marriages nullified by a judge, but has since found herself married to a third stranger somewhere on Long Island. Her name has subsequently been banned from the Bed Bath & Beyond gift registry.

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And that's how she got the name Steven Seagal.

Simon Bunce was a former RAF pilot and successful business executive living in England. But in March 2004, he was arrested as part of Operation Ore, a massive British police crackdown on child pornography that also nabbed high-profile names like Pete Townshend of the Who and Robert Del Naja of Massive Attack (we cannot fathom how they missed naming it Operation the Who Massive Attack Little Children). While it might be kind of awesome to share a jail cell with Keith Richards and Iggy Pop for getting into a knife fight with a heroin dealer, we imagine the gritty coolness of rock star debauchery is somewhat diminished if you're sitting on a metal bench with a deaf guy and a glorified house music DJ for downloading pictures of a 3-year-old in a crotchless sailor suit.

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"Are there any children in the audience? I'll have to ask you to move back 500 feet, please."

After police showed up at his home with a search warrant, Bunce was taken into custody while his computer equipment and other personal possessions were confiscated. To make matters even worse, Bunce was immediately fired from his high-paying job and was essentially disowned by his entire family except for his wife, which says something either very good or extraordinarily bad about her character.

Since the local police weren't in a terrible rush to clear Bunce's name, he did a little investigating of his own. He discovered that in 1999, his credit card information was stolen from an online shopping site, then used by someone in Indonesia to purchase child porn from an American website. Ironically, he found all this out using the United States' Freedom of Information Act, information that American authorities (along with everyone else) has access to at any time, meaning the sale of the child porn was tracked and nobody did anything about it. Cross-checking the information he collected with his own records, Bunce was able to prove that at the same time he was supposedly buying the child porn, he was at a restaurant in London.

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"Our specials today are chicken Parmesan, blackened sea bass and child pornography."

After enduring six months of child-diddling suspicion, Bunce was told by police that they would not be bringing formal charges, as they did not find any incriminating images on any of the items they'd confiscated from him. Bunce has since reconciled with some of his family and found a new, albeit much lower-paying job. He has also sworn off credit cards and pays with cash as much as possible, because as we all know, the best way to alleviate suspicion is to erase your credit identity and deal exclusively with untraceable currency.

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"If a man with a trench coat in a dark alley doesn't sell it, I don't need it."