5 Bizarre Ways You Can Brainwash a Courtroom

Consultants who do nothing but study this kind of stuff advise women to dress young and girlish, but by all means, cover up. Are you a man who wears a toupee? Why? Who told you that was a good idea? Don't wear it to court, because it makes you look like you've got something other than your big bald head to hide. Finally, all the oversized clothes and bald heads in the world won't help you if you just happen to be one of those guys with shifty eyes. For this, experts go back to the glasses thing. Only they have been known to spray them with cooking oil so the glare will make it harder to see your evil, guilty eyes.

Let's say you lost your case and now you're sitting in jail. Your parole hearing is coming up, and you've been strongly warned not to give that speech Red gives at the end of The Shawshank Redemption. What's going to make the difference? The time of day that the hearing is held, for one.

The thing is, judges are human beings who get tired. Remember when you were a kid at school and the two bright spots in your day were lunch and the hour you spent on the nurse's cot with fake migraines? Or better yet, think about your workday today. Chances are deep down you're still that kid who counts the minutes until lunch, if only to get out of your suffocating cubicle for 30 minutes. It turns out judges are the same way, and that matters when you're begging them for lenience.

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"Death by hanging. Aaaaand ... snack time!"

They did a study of judges hearing parole cases (prisoners asking for either parole or more lenient sentences) over a 10-month period. Early in the day, a prisoner had about a 65 percent probability of having the judge rule in his favor. However, as the morning went on, that probability dropped to near zero. After a lunch break, with the judge refreshed, the probability went right back up, then declined again as the day dragged on.

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"Your crime was as immoral as it was dripping with cheese. I sentence you to salami. Jail. In between bread."

The whole phenomenon is due to something scientists call decision-making fatigue. A person making a lot of decisions eventually gets to a point where he is too mentally worn out to make intelligent choices and takes the easy way out instead. A judge sitting on the bench for a while will develop a rip-roaring case of decision-making fatigue that slowly degrades his cognitive functions to those of a spoiled 3-year-old. Only he's not afforded the luxury of throwing himself to the floor in a stunning tantrum until he gets a nap. So he does the next best thing: Whenever he's presented with a choice, he ends up going with the status quo, rather than mulling the information over and making an informed decision.

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"Just throw some prisoners at me and I'll punch the ones who should be released."

For the prisoner, this means staying in jail rather than getting sweet, sweet freedom. So get your lawyer to pull whatever strings he's got to get that trial scheduled early, even if it means stabbing the guy ahead of you in the lobby of the courthouse.

When throwing oneself on the mercy of the court, you'd think that politeness would be a key factor in determining your character. And you'd be right. Do you think Ricky Gervais or Simon Cowell would last one second under a judge's condemning glare? No, and not just because they're British or known serial killers. Rude people are the worst.

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"How about those low-hanging celebrity fruits, eh? I can't believe people are still inviting me to things. I'm Ricky Gervais."

Unless they are testifying on your behalf in the courtroom. In that case, a super-polite witness is seen as being less credible, less intelligent and less competent, three traits that are pretty important in keeping you out of prison.

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You're innocent until proven guilty, but you're not credible until proven a douchebag.

In other words, if your witness gets up there and gives the prosecutor a golden shower of verbal respect, the jury won't see him as confident, and confidence is huge in determining truthfulness. Excessive niceness, or what some of us would just call "courtesy," comes across as powerless speech, something we do when we're in a position of weakness.

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"I dunno, that guy just called me a two-bit whore. I think he's a stand-up guy."

It's kind of the same reason we see Dr. House or Sherlock Holmes as geniuses; we see how prickly they are, even with their superiors, and realize they must know something. If they didn't know what they were talking about, how would they have the confidence to be such douchebags?

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"A pious, loving mother of two? WITCHCRAFT!"

So you're on trial for something awful, and your lawyer thinks it would be a good idea if you testify in your own defense. He's probably going to give you lots of pointers, like don't be a creep and try not to say "OK, you got me!" before extending your arms for the handcuffs. What you might not expect is for him to coach you into speaking faster than you normally would.

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If the stenographer's hands are on fire, you're doing it right.

Which is nuts, because those of us raised on television know that the first thing a sleazy salesman does to pull one over on us is talk fast. How many of us have been cajoled into buying cars, regular or micro, because of slick, fast-talking ad men?

Studies have shown that someone who speaks rapidly is viewed as more persuasive and more intelligent than someone who speaks at a slower pace. If a person speaks slowly, they're seen as less truthful and less competent, aka a moron. So how fast should you speak? In one study, people were most persuasive when they talked about 30 percent faster than normal talking speed. However, you can go up to 195 words a minute. That's about as fast as the guys who race through a list of horrible drug side effects, like "sudden bowel implosion," while the commercial shows women running through a field of flowers.

And dry mouth.

And if you think about it, it makes sense. If you're listening to someone you don't agree with, fast talking is more persuasive because your brain can't come up with counterarguments. You're so busy drowning in a verbal flood that you're not thinking of reasons you don't agree with the guy. Yes, it's something sleazy salesmen do. But remember, sleazy salesmen do it for a reason.

Yep, the same thing that got you out of a grounding when you were 10 can shave years off your sentence when standing trial for murdering a dude. Despite what the law says, despite all the evidence, you can get off easy if you just say you're sorry. It's true even if you were found guilty after pleading innocent; even though you just spent the last few months insisting you didn't do the crime at all, they still go easier on you if you apologize.

Why? Because that apology is your last chance to do a few things: one, start the process of closure for whoever you screwed over; two, give the judge a chance to see you as a normal person who gets the difference between right and wrong (meaning it's safe to put you back on the street, regardless of what you did); and three, practice your puppy-dog eyes, which you're going to need once you get to jail.

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"I didn't mean to steal millions of dollars and offload them into an overseas bank account!"

The trick is that now that you're found guilty, everyone expects you to do whatever it takes to get a lenient sentence. So how do you convey that you're really sorry? For one, "act uncomfortable or ill at ease." There's something primal about seeing someone squirm when they've done wrong. That awkward body language tells everyone in the room that you know you're a screw-up. Next, the second that guilty verdict comes down, change your attitude. Look sad. Look defeated.

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Classic.

And no matter what, don't look bored. This is isn't an SAT prep class; this is your life on the line! Literally, if you've done murder. In one study, "if jurors believed that the defendant was sorry for what he had done, they tended to sentence him to life imprisonment, not death." Not. Death.

In fact, if you don't apologize, some judges might think you're just an unrepentant prick and throw any chance of leniency out the window. And really, if you can't even manage to fake some remorse in that situation, you probably deserve it.

Don't worry, Cracked will always have your back. Just check out 6 Completely Legal Ways The Cops Can Screw You and 6 Laws You've Broken Without Even Realizing It.

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