How do you end your sex tape? There's only one way to end a sex tape, with an awkward moment of post-coital repartee. Like maybe you'll climb off and be all "Cut!" and man will that be hilarious. Or you'll both giggle and look at the camera and rattle off a moist high five. And in that one moment as you shut down the tape it will negate the entire previous endeavor, reducing it to nothing more than a soulless, empty chore, the emotionless puppet of sex, all in an effort to capture a faint glimpse of your own humanity on tape. You poor soul. Plus you have the chance to realize you taped over last Christmas' family get together so you could be going from full-on ugly bumping to grandma pouring egg nog in a span of seconds. That's totally fucked up.
Beyond inspiring you to take Herman to the circus, porn has another goal and that is raking in the fat cash. Do you know how much money porn makes every year? According to my research, it's a fuckload. Both literally and figuratively. So porn is crafted to be cheap, efficient and plentiful when done by the pros. All the women are hot, all the guys are, you know, present, and none of the scenarios require you to think.
But what do you do with homemade porn? Professionals release it to the masses and then have conventions where the creepiest people alive show up to get autographs and only the bravest or most foolhardy dare go to the washroom. If you have designs on becoming a porn star, you could sell it to a production company who will probably give you a few hundred for it, along with the knowledge that anyone you pass on the street for the rest of your life could know what your O face looks like.
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You could keep it and hope friends and family never find it, so long as you know they will. Someone always will. You can't keep a mysterious unlabelled video or disc sitting around and not expect someone to stumble upon it and not think "I bet this is homemade porn" because that's what everyone will think. Your aged grandmother, the one who's pouring the egg nog at the end of your home porno? She's going to be going through your cupboards one day trying to dust your shit and see that DVD sitting there and she'll briefly ponder trying to put it on a record player, not even understanding what's going on, just knowing that something in her decrepit, ready-to-be-horrified DNA is insisting she see what's on that disc.
You're going to kill your grandmother.
Ian Fortey spends five days a week bleaching assholes over at FunnyCrave.com
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