While their asses look like sparkling puckers of sanitation and delight, fashioned from the finest alabaster and stank, mine looks like the Sarlacc that ate Boba Fett. It has no business on camera and chances are yours will be just as atrocious. You could always bend over in front of a mirror and try to gauge where yours stands, but you'll probably need at least one other present for a comparison. In the end you'll probably just depress yourself.

Other areas you may want to reconsider showing on camera include the underside of your sack, the front of your sack, any parts of you covered in hair and the back of your head if you have one of those weird skin folds. You know those things? It's like a dinner roll of head flesh. Just off putting, that is.

True story: Back in aught-6 I was inspired after viewing some adult cinema to try sex standing up. Like the kind where you just pick the woman right up and hold her there like some kind of bag of hump potatoes. What was I thinking? I work at a computer all day, my whole body has atrophied to pudding. To this day my back has not healed and there's still a dent in the drywall from my head.

Porn inspires you to do stupid sex. Sex that doesn't really feel good but we're convinced is awesome because porn stars seem to love it. But you could give a porn star $20 and a sandwich and she'd fake an orgasm over Weetabix. And it'd be wild too. She'd call Weetabix a whore and tell it to spank her. Wish I had some Weetabix...

You break out the camera and you think you're going to capture unchained passion but really you're probably just going to catch your goodie bag jiggling like a cat toy made from bologna.

Have you ever been in a public restroom when an overweight man in a hurry comes in? And you're forced to take the next stall and just sit in silent horror and listen as he tries to both get comfortable and stave off an aneurysm? Why is there is much heavy breathing? And squishing? And then wet plops. That's what homemade porn sounds like.

Lighting is one of the most underappreciated aspects of filmmaking. If not for lighting, those pristine, fake boobies that make legit porn so enthralling would look like the decrepit peaks of Mordor. But they don't, do they? No sir, they look delightful. But under your Simpsons novelty lamp they and your ass are going to look flatter than piss on a plate and marred with creeping black shadows.

Thanks to editors, you rarely ever have to watch the action in a porno screech to a halt because someone ate chili last night and now has the wind something fierce.

Something else to avoid before sex.

Thanks to editors, when the lead actress starts weeping, softly at first, and then full on tears of desolation and panic, you're instead treated to stock footage of vigorous thrusting.

Thanks to editors, when the lead actor suddenly realizes his parents never loved him and his willy sinks like the future of a family signing up for a subprime mortgage, you never see it. You just see him when he comes back full of blow and Viagra and is ready to rage hump his abandonment issues away.

And if you had an editor, you'd never have to see the full 10-minute sequence when the camera tumbles off the stack of books you put it on so that instead of hot, enticing coitus, all you filmed was a sideways view of the game of peek-a-boo your hairy ass cheeks play as they bob in and out of frame.

Your Star Wars webcam isn't as stable as you think.

How do you end your sex tape? There's only one way to end a sex tape, with an awkward moment of post-coital repartee. Like maybe you'll climb off and be all "Cut!" and man will that be hilarious. Or you'll both giggle and look at the camera and rattle off a moist high five. And in that one moment as you shut down the tape it will negate the entire previous endeavor, reducing it to nothing more than a soulless, empty chore, the emotionless puppet of sex, all in an effort to capture a faint glimpse of your own humanity on tape. You poor soul. Plus you have the chance to realize you taped over last Christmas' family get together so you could be going from full-on ugly bumping to grandma pouring egg nog in a span of seconds. That's totally fucked up.