6

You are No Porn Star

For some reason real porn makes us want to make amateur porn. But look at amateur porn. Look at Screech for God's sake. Like a malnourished, shaven orangutan, he brings nothing to the table. In real porn, actors and actresses are chosen from the finest broken homes in the Midwest and given top of the line plastic surgery and full body make up. Have you ever heard of asshole bleaching? Porn stars do that. A porn star is so dedicated to their job that, when given some constructive criticism on set like, "Hey, Starla, I noticed your anus is looking a bit on the dingy side, maybe look into that?" they make a mental note to visit the ass bleaching salon later in the day and have a stranger apply some manner of pigment-reducing spackle to their crapper. Right on the hole.

5

Porn Sex isn't Real Sex

The thing about porn sex is that it's designed specifically to be filmed. Like have you ever noticed how often dudes get into the most horribly uncomfortable looking positions? That's to accommodate a sweaty man with a large camera who wants to perform an unlicensed colonoscopy or some other manner of internal review with a fish-eye lens. So we're given a wide array of shots and angles that necessitate the performers humping around corners and engaging in visually stunning but horribly unfulfilling maneuvers.

4

You Have Poor Equipment

Some people like amateur porn because of its "grittiness"; which is like enjoying authentic Central American water for the dysentery. Porn has to have some quality for it to be good. Real porn is on a sound stage, or at least some dude's backyard, there's lighting and sound equipment and the camera probably didn't come from the Wal-Mart electronics department.

3

Porn Has Editors

Probably there weren't a lot of people back in film school learning how to chop and master film reel who were hoping one day to use their talents to string together a series of scenes featuring midgets running a train on a middle-aged lady, but not everyone gets to live their dream. But the fact is they're still working and their work is important.

2

Porn Ends

Unbelievable though it may be, someone writes porn. They do all that stuff on purpose. There's a dude who has to wake up every morning, get his coffee, sit at a computer and tap his brain to think up a novel new way for a pool cleaner named Mandingo to work off a debt to a woman with breasts that are actually perfectly spherical.

So a porno has a natural (more or less) ending. The gritty detective humped all the suspects and it turns out they all did it, so they get humped again in prison. Or Humplestiltskin shows up to collect his prize but the woman knows his real name and yells "Humplestiltskin" and then they hump. Or the naked cowboy rides off into the sunset with his trusty sidekick Poke-a-hotass. And they hump.

1

Porn Has Purpose

Beyond inspiring you to take Herman to the circus, porn has another goal and that is raking in the fat cash. Do you know how much money porn makes every year? According to my research, it's a fuckload. Both literally and figuratively. So porn is crafted to be cheap, efficient and plentiful when done by the pros. All the women are hot, all the guys are, you know, present, and none of the scenarios require you to think.

But what do you do with homemade porn? Professionals release it to the masses and then have conventions where the creepiest people alive show up to get autographs and only the bravest or most foolhardy dare go to the washroom. If you have designs on becoming a porn star, you could sell it to a production company who will probably give you a few hundred for it, along with the knowledge that anyone you pass on the street for the rest of your life could know what your O face looks like.

You could keep it and hope friends and family never find it, so long as you know they will. Someone always will. You can't keep a mysterious unlabelled video or disc sitting around and not expect someone to stumble upon it and not think "I bet this is homemade porn" because that's what everyone will think. Your aged grandmother, the one who's pouring the egg nog at the end of your home porno? She's going to be going through your cupboards one day trying to dust your shit and see that DVD sitting there and she'll briefly ponder trying to put it on a record player, not even understanding what's going on, just knowing that something in her decrepit, ready-to-be-horrified DNA is insisting she see what's on that disc.

You're going to kill your grandmother.

Ian Fortey spends five days a week bleaching assholes over at FunnyCrave.com