TIP: When Wendy slides her hand into your underwear and begins to touch your penis, let her. This action will have a profound effect on your Arousal Meter. Do your best to keep your meter levels down. Think of other things to keep from losing complete control, like forest creatures, poor people, or that exam in Economics 101 you have to take later in the week. Think of anything but how her soft, delicate fingers work your fully engorged penis, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down.
A SHORT NOTE ABOUT THE EXPLICIT SEXUAL NATURE OF THIS CHALLENGE
If this part of the game guide is uncomfortable for you to read, please take a moment to imagine how uncomfortable it is for us to write. We have a mother, too. You think we take pride in the fact that our mother will be reading us describe in graphic detail how to have video-game sex? 3 No, we are not proud of this at all. We'd really rather not have to get into the lurid details of this challenge, but our job compels us to, so on we dutifully trod.
With that said, we can't go any further without recognizing the controversy this section of the game has sparked. Many family groups feel that Your Life goes way too far with its depiction of sex, and to a certain extent we can see their point. However, the game is not designed for anyone under eighteen to play, and given that sex is an important part of real life, it should therefore be an important part of Your Life. Yes, it is very graphic, but what about sex isn't graphic? Sex is the most graphic thing ever, and we think Your Life does justice to this. And then some.
STEP 6: When Wendy Says She's "Ready," Unwrap Your Condom and Place it Over Your Penis
If you need help on how to apply it, access the Childhood Memory Window and play back the time from junior high health class when you had to sit through that public service documentary on contraceptives.
STEP 7: Insert Your Penis into Wendy's Money Zone
WARNING: Inserting your penis into her money zone isn't as easy as it sounds, as you probably won't get it in on your first shot. More likely than not, you'll miss the mark and wind up jabbing her someplace much less desirable. This won't win you any points with Wendy (Life Points or otherwise), and you'll feel like a loser. We suggest you let her help, for she knows exactly where your penis needs to go. Guide her hand to your penis and soon thereafter you'll be inside Wendy's money zone.
ANOTHER WARNING: Chances are, as soon as you enter Wendy, your Arousal Meter will fill completely and immediately release, thus invoking a far too abbreviated end to the challenge. You'll earn five of the possible ten Life Points and move on with Your Life, but it's a somewhat embarrassing way to end things.
TIP: Again, like earlier, thoughts of forest creatures, poor people, and that economics exam will help stave off an early climax. Also, if you lost the "Don't Walk in on Your Parents Having Sex" mini game back in Level III: Your Childhood, feel free to call up your Childhood Memory Window to relive that mortifying moment again. For every minute you can keep from climaxing, you'll earn an additional Life Point. Five minutes of fully engaged intercourse will net you all ten Life points and Wendy's undying gratitude.
STILL ANOTHER WARNING:
However long it lasts, don't expect the sex to be great. It's extremely difficult to master the humping rhythm on the controls [strong, circular, thrusting presses on the ANALOG A-PAD and B-PADs] while trying to conjure up unsexy thoughts. In addition, Wendy's futon frame will be rickety, so there's an ever-present fear that the frame will collapse as you bang away at one another. However, the object here is not to have great sex or good sex or even average sex; the object is simply to have sex, so even though you won't be writing a new chapter of the
, you'll achieve your purpose. So be proud of it!
ONE LAST TIP: Wendy won't be much of post-coital snuggler, which some gamers find disappointing, but rushing out immediately isn't the gentlemanly thing to do. Eventually, she'll yawn and say she has to get up early in the morning, and you can take that as a sign that you can leave. 4
1- We'll go ahead and apologize immediately for this line. We don't mean to be crass, but frankly, given how this challenge unfolds, you haven't seen nothin'.
2- For reasons we don't wish to get into, we are ill at ease with the word vagina, so from here on out we're going to refer to the female reproductive organ as the money zone.
3- In fact, Mom, if you're reading this, we think it best if you go ahead and skip to the next challenge now. Nothing good will come out of you continuing on with this challenge. If you're stuck in this part of the game, just have Dad or Derrick finish it for you. Actually, come to think of it, you should have them do the next challenge ("Getting Your Freak On at Spring Break") as well.
4- Things with Wendy will never really be the same. Shortly thereafter, she'll quit her job at the college copy center and you'll fall completely out of touch. You might run into her at a party or Ultimate Frisbee tournament and exchange pleasantries, but neither of you will want to be reminded of the awkward mercenary virginity-destroying sex you shared, so the meeting will be as quick and painless as the two of you can make it.