That might be the most unintentionally revealing patent ever written. Can someone write Albert Cohen a letter and clue him in about sports bars or fantasy football leagues or something? There's gotta be someone out there for him to watch sports with. As it stands, he's sitting around his dank one-bedroom apartment in sweatpants, oiling up his mechanical "high five" machine for tomorrow's big game. We almost want to manufacture this thing just so we can send anyone who purchases it directly over to Albert's house to hang out with him.
User-Operated Amusement Apparatus For Kicking the User's Buttocks
Why, you might ask, would someone want a device designed "for self-infliction of repetitive blows to the user's buttocks"? We have no idea, but if anyone ever decides they want one, we have the technology.
"The benefit of the present invention," the patent explains, "is as an amusement apparatus for entertainment and comic relief whereby the plurality of rotating arms rotate when the user rotates the hand crank." Well that doesn't really explain much, does it? Is this for lazy people who want to beat their children? Is it an overly-complicated way to break in new jeans, or maybe some kind of weird S&M thing?
Maybe, it's for people who have a spare corner in their basement and think to themselves, "You know what would be great right there? An apparatus to inflict repetitive blows to my buttocks."
The patent was issued September 25, 2001, just two weeks after Sept. 11, 2001. The folks at the patent office must have still been pretty shaken up when they gave this the thumbs up. There is no other explanation.