Charlie Sheen

Before & After:
Charlie Sheen as a skinny stockbroker in Wall Street ...

Then, when cast to play the parody Rambo role in Hot Shots! Part Deux ...

... he turned into a muscle-bound Greek God who looked like he could slaughter everyone on the New York Stock Exchange trading floor with his bare hands, while on his lunch hour.

He Claims:
He worked out with a trainer in Maui for eight hours a day (according to this and this).

So Was It Steroids?
Our first impression watching Hot Shots! Part Deux was that they did an incredible makeup job with Sheen and the latex muscle suit. The skin looked very realistic and ... holy shit! Dude, that's really him!

It took Sheen just five months to go from regular guy to looking like a bulging freak of nature. So, supposedly, if you start in October you can have a Stallone-esque physique by around Valentine's Day.

We're not buying it. The average CRACKED staffer works out about four hours a day and when we flex for each other in the hall, we're not seeing bodies like Sheen had. Toss in Sheen's history of drug use and it's easy to imagine he took some chemical shortcuts.

Why Would He Do It?
His salary for the film gave him 4 million reasons. Plus, the role called for a Rambo look and we're assuming he didn't want to spend several months in the sun with latex pecs glued to his chest.

Madonna

Before & After:
As recently as 2006, Madonna was just a pretty lady who looked insanely good for her age.

But, as she passed into her late 40s, she began to exhibit the standard symptoms of menopause such as the muscular biceps of an 18-year-old Golden Gloves boxer and a set of shoulders you could land a goddamn jet on.

She Claims:
"I mix it up -Pilates, yoga. I do it six days a week. Actually, Sunday is horse riding. There is no such thing as a day off."

So Is It Steroids?
Unless Madonna defines "horse riding" as wrestling a wild stallion into submission and then eating its raw flesh, we're guessing she didn't get those arms riding horses. Yoga is even more laughable.

Marion Jones' pretty face allowed the mainstream media to ignore that veins like the roots of a sequoia tree were bulging from her awkwardly huge muscles. The fact that there are two pretty awesome boobs hanging between Madonna's shoulders shouldn't distract you from their alarming "male-gymnist-mid-pummel-horse-routine." quality.

Also, if Madonna's arms aren't manly enough for you, check out this close up of her hand clutching a water bottle as though it were trying to escape from her death grip.

Why Would She Do It?
Madonna has tried on just about every female identity ever created, from the virgin right up through cougar. With nowhere to go, she's ready to move on to men's identities and is apparently starting with Lou Ferrigno.

Christian Bale

Before & After:
Here's Christian Bale as the uncomfortable, borderline-translucent skeleton in The Machinist ...

... and then he was cast to play Batman, so he needed to bulk up.

Damn. And, he only had six motherfucking months to do it. That's 120 pounds to 220 pounds in half a year.

He Claims:
He gorged himself as quickly and as often as possible on ice cream, pizza and milkshakes, often eating five meals in a sitting, and worked out steadily. Bale was so excited about eating pizza after his Machinist diet of cigarettes and Draino, that he reportedly got too big and had to trim down for Batman.

Right, just so we're clear, that picture above is the trimmer version of Bale.

So Was It Steroids?
We're undecided on this one. Sure, the situation is almost identical to Charlie Sheen's, but Bale is a sworn method actor and Sheen is a creepy-looking drug addict (or was at the time).

Being a method actor means that doing a whole bunch of crazy, ridiculous shit to your body is just part of the process. Bale got real-life skinny because his character in The Machinist was insanely skinny, so it might stand to reason that he would only take steroids if Bruce Wayne took steroids. This theory on Bale's strict method does imply that his process also included dressing up in a bat suit, stalking around Manhattan and murdering muggers, but he's so intense that we're actually willing to believe he'd do that.

Danny Bonaduce

Before & After:
Let's watch as Danny Bonaduce evolves from adorable little freckled kid ...

... to regular-looking adult ...

... to something between a semiprofessional wrestler and a burned-out exotic dancer.

He Claims:
Steroids. On camera.

So Is It Steroids?
We're thinking it might be.

They did several episodes about it in his reality show Breaking Bonaduce, where they took a camera and basically watched Bonaduce being addicted to things for several weeks. Steroids, alcohol and, most of all, cheap, tawdry fame.

Why Would He Do It?
Danny apparently decided years ago he was going to devote his entire life to being dysfunctional and scary. He roughed up a transvestite back in 1991. He apparently enjoyed the feeling of causing weird and damaging confrontations wherever he went. At some point, he decided to transform his body into a machine that could take scary and awkward behavior to a superhuman level:

We're thinking the whole Bonaduce thing isn't going to end well.

Edward Norton

Before & After:
Edward Norton hit Hollywood as the willowy accused murderer in Primal Fear ...

... and soon after emerged in American History X as a racist superman who looked like he could bring back segregation with a single flex of his pectoral muscles.

He Claims:
He says he worked out for three months and ate lots of protein to add the 30 pounds of muscle for the role. That's right, guys. If you look like the before picture in October, you can look like the after by Christmas--minus the swastika tattoo, hopefully.

We don't buy it.

So Was It Steroids?
We're not the only ones who suspected 'roids. Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger contacted Norton asking if he had done a cycle of steroids to get that big. We're thinking Arnold is probably something of an expert on the subject.

Why Would He Do It?
Conveying American History X's complex theme (that racism is wrong) required a chiseled and menacing figure to represent white supremacy. And, let's face it, if white supremacists all looked like the "before" picture up there, it'd be hard to take racism seriously as a problem. Society could simply put racism in a headlock until it made a tearful apology.

Sylvester Stallone

Before & After:
Sylvester Stallone has really been in shape his whole career. Here, he is just casually hanging around his house.

Here, he is once he finally got approval for Rocky Balboa ...

... and here he is training with Tony "The Grizzly Bear" Mahoney between takes.

So, what's our point? Well, remember Rocky III when an aging Rocky had to fight the young upstart Clubber Lang? Well, here's what Clubber Lang looks like today.

Sure, Stallone has always been in shape, but he's 60 fucking years old. It doesn't help his case that, while promoting this film, Stallone was stopped at an Australian airport and charged with illegally importing a steroid known as HGH (human growth hormone).

He Claims:
"To [customs officials] it's major, but it's really minor stuff. I just made a mistake ... I misunderstood a few things, and we are going through the process."

Other celebrities can definitely learn how to defuse their own drug situations by studying Stallone's clever use of words. Sly's use of steroids is just a "minor misunderstanding," Britney Spears is guilty of "confused drinking," and Andy Dick has a "silly cocaine hobby."

So Is It Steroids?
Yes and no, though mostly, (if not totally), yes. Stallone did plead guilty to possession of testosterone and human growth hormones, but he also said it was a "mistake" made because he was "ignorant about local laws." Ignorance, as authorities have repeatedly pointed out to the CRACKED staff, is no excuse, particularly when "Don't do steroids" isn't exactly a "local" law.

Why Would He Do It?
Do you remember all the subtle, character nuances that make Stallone's movies so iconic and inspirational? Of course you don't, because there aren't any.

Now, do you remember when Rocky punched all those guys and, in later movies, those other guys? And, do you remember when Rambo made someone explode with a single arrow and laughed off fatal bullet wounds? Fuck yeah, you do! It's pretty simple; Stallone gets work because he's an enormous ass-kicking machine with indecipherable speech patterns. If Sly ever hoped to get another job, especially at his age, steroids were probably the only course of action.