Celebrity Ripped Club: 8 Non-Athletes Who've Gotta Be On Steroids

The ridiculous "I'm not on steroids, I just spend all of my time in the gym" argument is a classic denial strategy that has been employed by the likes of Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong. It's basically the equivalent of saying, "I'm not on cocaine because I stay up all night dancing like a douche bag and gritting my teeth." We bet this guy spends a lot of his time in the gym, too.

While the L.A. Times article doesn't come down on either side of the steroid debate, we're going to side with the hip-hop bloggers, who have taken the much bolder stance of, "nigga look like the incredible hulk. gay shit," and more specifically, "yeah dre is full off that act right JUICE. Lol".

Couldn't have said it better ourselves.

Why Would He Do It?:
From 50 to the Game to Busta Rhymes, Dre's entire Aftermath label is full of guys who look like, and wear shirts about as often as, professional wrestlers. Regardless of the reason, it makes us long for the days when rappers wore North Face in the summer and let their glocks do the talking for them.

Incidentally, the video was also advertising a product called "Plasma Ball," which we almost ordered because we thought it would let us shoot balls of energy like in Street Fighter 2. It turns out it's just a workout supplement.

So Is It Steroids?
In body builder slang, vascularity is the degree to which your veins bulge through your skin, and according to the body building forums we frequent, the veins bulging from CT's arms, shoulders, neck, face and eyeballs indicate he's getting chemical assistance other than the two-drink minimum at the comedy club.

Then again, this is the same body building forum where someone said, "Like or hate his shtick, it's pretty physical so I can see where he'd have to be in shape." So, we may not be dealing with guys with MDs behind their names, here.

Why Would He Do It?:
We couldn't figure out why a comedian would need to make himself so physically imposing. Then, we put it all together.

He's got a nickname that corresponds to his looks;

His incessant visual punning gives him an annoying gimmick;

He appears to have some recent chemical burning of his face and corresponding spackle makeup.

That's right: Carrot Top is a Batman villain.

He Claims:
He worked out with a trainer in Maui for eight hours a day (according to this and this).

So Was It Steroids?
Our first impression watching Hot Shots! Part Deux was that they did an incredible makeup job with Sheen and the latex muscle suit. The skin looked very realistic and ... holy shit! Dude, that's really him!

It took Sheen just five months to go from regular guy to looking like a bulging freak of nature. So, supposedly, if you start in October you can have a Stallone-esque physique by around Valentine's Day.

We're not buying it. The average CRACKED staffer works out about four hours a day and when we flex for each other in the hall, we're not seeing bodies like Sheen had. Toss in Sheen's history of drug use and it's easy to imagine he took some chemical shortcuts.

Why Would He Do It?
His salary for the film gave him 4 million reasons. Plus, the role called for a Rambo look and we're assuming he didn't want to spend several months in the sun with latex pecs glued to his chest.

So Is It Steroids?
Unless Madonna defines "horse riding" as wrestling a wild stallion into submission and then eating its raw flesh, we're guessing she didn't get those arms riding horses. Yoga is even more laughable.

Marion Jones' pretty face allowed the mainstream media to ignore that veins like the roots of a sequoia tree were bulging from her awkwardly huge muscles. The fact that there are two pretty awesome boobs hanging between Madonna's shoulders shouldn't distract you from their alarming "male-gymnist-mid-pummel-horse-routine." quality.

Also, if Madonna's arms aren't manly enough for you, check out this close up of her hand clutching a water bottle as though it were trying to escape from her death grip.

Why Would She Do It?
Madonna has tried on just about every female identity ever created, from the virgin right up through cougar. With nowhere to go, she's ready to move on to men's identities and is apparently starting with Lou Ferrigno.

Right, just so we're clear, that picture above is the trimmer version of Bale.

So Was It Steroids?
We're undecided on this one. Sure, the situation is almost identical to Charlie Sheen's, but Bale is a sworn method actor and Sheen is a creepy-looking drug addict (or was at the time).

Being a method actor means that doing a whole bunch of crazy, ridiculous shit to your body is just part of the process. Bale got real-life skinny because his character in The Machinist was insanely skinny, so it might stand to reason that he would only take steroids if Bruce Wayne took steroids. This theory on Bale's strict method does imply that his process also included dressing up in a bat suit, stalking around Manhattan and murdering muggers, but he's so intense that we're actually willing to believe he'd do that.

What we can't get over is the claim that he got that physique on ice cream, pizza and milkshakes. First of all, who was his nutritionist, Chuck E. Cheese? After he ate all the pizza and ice cream did he spend three hours doing laps in the ball pit followed by 250 reps on the Whac-a-Mole?

We're not going to call this for one side or the other because of our man-crush on Bale, but if you're going to show up on set looking like that, at least come up with a believable diet--woodchip and shark egg omelets, for instance.

Why Would He Do It?
He saw the shape Carrot Top had gotten himself into and knew that he had to get ready.

... to regular-looking adult ...

... to something between a semiprofessional wrestler and a burned-out exotic dancer.

He Claims:
Steroids. On camera.

So Is It Steroids?
We're thinking it might be.

They did several episodes about it in his reality show Breaking Bonaduce, where they took a camera and basically watched Bonaduce being addicted to things for several weeks. Steroids, alcohol and, most of all, cheap, tawdry fame.

Why Would He Do It?
Danny apparently decided years ago he was going to devote his entire life to being dysfunctional and scary. He roughed up a transvestite back in 1991. He apparently enjoyed the feeling of causing weird and damaging confrontations wherever he went. At some point, he decided to transform his body into a machine that could take scary and awkward behavior to a superhuman level:

We're thinking the whole Bonaduce thing isn't going to end well.

Why Would He Do It?
Conveying American History X's complex theme (that racism is wrong) required a chiseled and menacing figure to represent white supremacy. And, let's face it, if white supremacists all looked like the "before" picture up there, it'd be hard to take racism seriously as a problem. Society could simply put racism in a headlock until it made a tearful apology.