Celebrity Ripped Club: 8 Non-Athletes Who've Gotta Be On Steroids

Dr. Dre

Before & After:
Here's Dre in the studio, looking like a fat kid who just got busted up to his forearms in leftover birthday cake ...

... and here's Dre presenting at last month's VMAs. We had to embed the video because pictures just don't do it justice.

His muscles were so unexpectedly huge. His formerly fat head is so disproportionately small compared with the rest of his body. And, the long, grey underwear shirt is such a bizarre choice for a hip-hop mogul, that we were literally positive he was wearing Kevin Nealon's costume from the Hans and Franz sketch.

We're still not 100 percent convinced that he wasn't.

He Claims:
He's spent two hours in the gym everyday for the past four years.

So Is It Steroids?
A Los Angeles Times article reports he has cut his body fat from 29 percent to around 6 percent in the last few years, and also describes Dre pumping his arms and saying, "I feel like I can kick a brick wall down now." Nope, everything sounds pretty normal there.

The ridiculous "I'm not on steroids, I just spend all of my time in the gym" argument is a classic denial strategy that has been employed by the likes of Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong. It's basically the equivalent of saying, "I'm not on cocaine because I stay up all night dancing like a douche bag and gritting my teeth." We bet this guy spends a lot of his time in the gym, too.

While the L.A. Times article doesn't come down on either side of the steroid debate, we're going to side with the hip-hop bloggers, who have taken the much bolder stance of, "nigga look like the incredible hulk. gay shit," and more specifically, "yeah dre is full off that act right JUICE. Lol".

Couldn't have said it better ourselves.

Why Would He Do It?:
From 50 to the Game to Busta Rhymes, Dre's entire Aftermath label is full of guys who look like, and wear shirts about as often as, professional wrestlers. Regardless of the reason, it makes us long for the days when rappers wore North Face in the summer and let their glocks do the talking for them.

Carrot Top

Before & After:
In Chairman of the Board Carrot Top was just a skinny guy surfing his way through corporate America in eye-damaging clothing ...

... then he played the scrawny guy in no less than 1,000 AT&T ads.

Then, possibly in preparation for a joke that involved some especially heavy props ...

... he turned himself into a monster from a horror movie.

He Claims:
Well, he has this video which is supposed to detail his diet and workout routine. However, Top seems confused by the high-protein cooking ingredients and doesn't seem to know how to work most of the exercise machines.

Charlie Sheen

Before & After:
Charlie Sheen as a skinny stockbroker in Wall Street ...

Then, when cast to play the parody Rambo role in Hot Shots! Part Deux ...

... he turned into a muscle-bound Greek God who looked like he could slaughter everyone on the New York Stock Exchange trading floor with his bare hands, while on his lunch hour.

Madonna

Before & After:
As recently as 2006, Madonna was just a pretty lady who looked insanely good for her age.

But, as she passed into her late 40s, she began to exhibit the standard symptoms of menopause such as the muscular biceps of an 18-year-old Golden Gloves boxer and a set of shoulders you could land a goddamn jet on.

She Claims:
"I mix it up -Pilates, yoga. I do it six days a week. Actually, Sunday is horse riding. There is no such thing as a day off."

Christian Bale

Before & After:
Here's Christian Bale as the uncomfortable, borderline-translucent skeleton in The Machinist ...

... and then he was cast to play Batman, so he needed to bulk up.

Damn. And, he only had six motherfucking months to do it. That's 120 pounds to 220 pounds in half a year.

He Claims:
He gorged himself as quickly and as often as possible on ice cream, pizza and milkshakes, often eating five meals in a sitting, and worked out steadily. Bale was so excited about eating pizza after his Machinist diet of cigarettes and Draino, that he reportedly got too big and had to trim down for Batman.

Danny Bonaduce

Before & After:
Let's watch as Danny Bonaduce evolves from adorable little freckled kid ...

Edward Norton

Before & After:
Edward Norton hit Hollywood as the willowy accused murderer in Primal Fear ...

... and soon after emerged in American History X as a racist superman who looked like he could bring back segregation with a single flex of his pectoral muscles.

He Claims:
He says he worked out for three months and ate lots of protein to add the 30 pounds of muscle for the role. That's right, guys. If you look like the before picture in October, you can look like the after by Christmas--minus the swastika tattoo, hopefully.

We don't buy it.

So Was It Steroids?
We're not the only ones who suspected 'roids. Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger contacted Norton asking if he had done a cycle of steroids to get that big. We're thinking Arnold is probably something of an expert on the subject.

Sylvester Stallone

Before & After:
Sylvester Stallone has really been in shape his whole career. Here, he is just casually hanging around his house.

Here, he is once he finally got approval for Rocky Balboa ...

... and here he is training with Tony "The Grizzly Bear" Mahoney between takes.

So, what's our point? Well, remember Rocky III when an aging Rocky had to fight the young upstart Clubber Lang? Well, here's what Clubber Lang looks like today.

Sure, Stallone has always been in shape, but he's 60 fucking years old. It doesn't help his case that, while promoting this film, Stallone was stopped at an Australian airport and charged with illegally importing a steroid known as HGH (human growth hormone).

He Claims:
"To [customs officials] it's major, but it's really minor stuff. I just made a mistake ... I misunderstood a few things, and we are going through the process."

Other celebrities can definitely learn how to defuse their own drug situations by studying Stallone's clever use of words. Sly's use of steroids is just a "minor misunderstanding," Britney Spears is guilty of "confused drinking," and Andy Dick has a "silly cocaine hobby."

So Is It Steroids?
Yes and no, though mostly, (if not totally), yes. Stallone did plead guilty to possession of testosterone and human growth hormones, but he also said it was a "mistake" made because he was "ignorant about local laws." Ignorance, as authorities have repeatedly pointed out to the CRACKED staff, is no excuse, particularly when "Don't do steroids" isn't exactly a "local" law.

Why Would He Do It?
Do you remember all the subtle, character nuances that make Stallone's movies so iconic and inspirational? Of course you don't, because there aren't any.

Now, do you remember when Rocky punched all those guys and, in later movies, those other guys? And, do you remember when Rambo made someone explode with a single arrow and laughed off fatal bullet wounds? Fuck yeah, you do! It's pretty simple; Stallone gets work because he's an enormous ass-kicking machine with indecipherable speech patterns. If Sly ever hoped to get another job, especially at his age, steroids were probably the only course of action.