5 Movies Hollywood Needs to Stop Making Now

1. Movies about any queen named Elizabeth
Elizabeth, Elizabeth I, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Queen Elizabeth, The Virgin Queen and The Queen. Why do we need so many movies about a representative figurehead who doesn't even do anything? If we really gave a s**t about Queen Elizabeth, we wouldn't have fought and won the American Revolution. Enough already. f**k.

2. Movies that are part of Zach Braff's Emo McHipster saga
How many movies do we need in which Braff plays a charmingly conflicted 20-something trying to figure out "what it all means" by staring sullenly at us from artful camera shots until he meets a girl who's vaguely "different" because she does wacky spontaneous stuff like yelling into canyons in the rain, all set to a soundtrack of last year's mainstream indie rock, which Braff clearly thinks is "edgy" despite the fact this life-changing music can probably also be found in a Toyota commercial?
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement



3. Movies in which the lesser Wayans Brothers dress up as something they are not, such as white people or women or white women, in order to accomplish some hair-brained scheme.
These make me laugh so hard I become physically uncomfortable and if they do another-say, one in which Marlon pretends to be a hippopotamus in order to get a cheap land deal on the local zoo-I think my sternum might rip open, as it would be unable to contain the tidal waves of laughter surging from deep within my belly.
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement



4. Movies in which an idealistic teacher must use unconventional methods (such as dancing, rapping or wearing leather jackets) to get through to violent, unruly inner-city high school students.
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement


Do you know what would happen in the real world if Antonio Banderas rolled up on the Bronx's problem-child mafia and tried to "make a connection" by teaching them how to salsa dance? They'd rip off his fruity little dancing shoes and use them to violently break his legs.

5. Movies about animated animals, insects or any other creatures that can't actually talk.
So Ray Romano is a squirrel who has to get a bag of nuts across Mean Old Farmer Frank's wheat field so his family can eat for the winter, and he only has Ollie the Ellen DeGeneres-sounding Turtle to help him get there and they have adventures and there are hijinks and light adult humor and they form unlikely friendships and who gives a f**k? It's no wonder kids are getting dumber.
To turn on reply notifications, click here

228 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

6 Real-Life Villains Who'd Be Too Crazy For Comic Books

These guys make the Joker look like a well-adjusted citizen.

89

5 Real Medical Stories That Are Pure Skin-Crawling Horror

A lot of medical problems read like horror movie scripts.

71

5 Crazy Trump Stories That'd Be Scandals In A Normal World

Oh boy, let's take a deep dive.

288

6 Real Revenge Plots That Spiraled Wildly Out Of Control

Revenge is a lot of things, but most often, it's just a knee-jerk reaction.

40

5 Tiny Dumb Pranks That Had Huge Unexpected Consequences

Even seemingly harmless jokes can snowball out of control.

56