This is Bullshit! Kevin Smith Goes Back to His Future

April 04, 2006 Add Cracked to Google

Clerks 2 — From the maker of Dogma, Jersey Girl and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back comes the latest blow to Kevin Smith' long-dead, glue-covered horse that is the Clerks "franchise." Just because the original is the only movie in Smith' canon of crap that doesn't suck more than 36 dicks, this flunky "auteur" thinks the only way to salvage what' left of his shit-covered career is reheating a bunch of old jokes about Star Wars and blowjobs and stupid fan boy comic book "theories" that are about ten years too late and ten thousand laughs too short. Hopefully, when this movie inevitably flops and the only thing Hollywood lets Smith put his name on are comments on online message boards, he can get his old job back at the convenience store he started in, thus completing the circle of life.

Blogs About Living In NYC — As if Sex and the City

, countless books and almost every sitcom just wasn't enough, now every asshole in Manhattan with an internet connection and a third-grade composition level is regaling us with all their exotic tales of life and love in the big city, like they're the first fucking people in history to inhabit this island. For the love of god, would you people stop before I'm forced to destroy every single Starbucks wireless connection in this city so you smug fucks can no longer sit there tap-tap-tapping away about your meaningless lives on the over-priced Powerbook you don't need while sipping cinnamon-nutmeg lattes and looking around to see who' looking at you? Ladies, no one gives a shit about how hard it is to date here (though here' a free hint: stop reeking of desperation and maybe he'll stop exploiting you and then not calling). And guys, the adventures of you and your buddies binge drinking and systematic infection of the entire city with HPV are neither original nor interesting. Stay at home, Netflix Swingers

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again and shut the fuck up.

Wilmer Valderrama — That Douchebag Who Played Fez on That 70' Show went on Stern last week and talked all this shit about how big his junk is and how he nailed all these starlets like Mandy Moore and Lindsay Lohan, which would pretty much be the modern equivalent of Balky from Perfect Strangers porking every girl from the Brat Pack back in the 80s. Anyway, either Wilmer's lying or humanity is officially and completely forsaken. I know Lohan' not the most difficult hole on the course, but what in John Stamos' name could she possibly see in a dude who was probably about three failed auditions away from working at a hair salon when some idiot producer thought, "Hey, I think America will love it if Fez had a silly, gay European voice!"?



Cell Phone Driving Bans — Did you know that it's illegal to drive in several states in this country while talking on your cell phone? What complete and utter bullshit. Oh, I know what you're thinking-- "But I hate it

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when people are talking on their phones and don't pay attention!" Well that may be the case, but just because you hate something, it doesn't mean it should be against the law. I mean, I hate it when people use the word "dish" as a verb, but you don't see those gaywads at E! News getting locked up, do you? Legislators say they're pushing to make cell phone use illegal while driving because it' "unsafe and distracting." Really? But watching a fucking DVD of Scarface while selecting an mp3 and playing video games isn't? Shit, people have been lighting and smoking cigarettes while driving since cars were invented — how can having a little chat about what a douche Wilmer Valderrama is be more unsafe than that?

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The New Anti-Pot Drug Ads — Remember the whole "this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs" campaign from the 80s? Of course you don't. Your constant drug use has rendered your memory useless. Well anyway, these spots utilized the simple and effective visual metaphor of an egg frying to warn people about the dangers of drug abuse. Apparently, that's just not enough these days, which is why the National Drug Council has produced a series of incoherent, convoluted anti-marijuana commercials that appear to have been created by the most whacked-out crackheads on the planet. My favorite one depicts a teenager running through a dump, being chased by a dog, along with voice-over saying something like, "My friends dared me to get high, so I did. Then they dared me to try and outrun Tic Tic the junkyard dog. Man, what am I doing?" Huh? I have no idea what this ad is trying to tell me, but I'm pretty sure even the most pot-ruined hippie in the Panic Lot knows NOT TO RACE A VICIOUS ANIMAL. Also, does this mean those kids in that movie The Sandlot were just baked out of their gourds?