Chuck Stevens: Serial Killer Day in the Life

First of all, a few administrative issues.

A number of readers, NYPD detectives, and even a couple FBI agents emailed, asking if my reference last week to cutting apart a JFK Middle School teacher had anything to do with the disappearance and subsequent re-surfacing of a head and torso, later identified as Barbara Jones, a 7th grade geometry teacher at JFK Middle School. Instead of responding to every email individually, I'll just say it here: No, that wasn't me. Must've been somebody else.

When I wasn't being inundated with your emails, it was a pretty standard week. 24 on Monday night. Me and my talking cat Dr. Steve agreed that it was pretty good, though I'm starting to wonder if Keifer Sutherland could really get to all of those places in one single hour. I mean when the episode started he was in Nevada and when it ended he was at the Rose Bowl. And he was driving. That can't be possible in real time, right? I should check it on Mapquest.

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Laundry night was a b***h. Again. I think I'm growing out of bloody nose caused by allergies as an excuse. Allergies are so nerdy. Was getting a ton of weird looks in the laundry mat and sort of flipped out and played the race card. Said: "Oh I suppose you think I must have killed someone cause I'm a black man." I don't think they thought I had killed anyone. Probably just looking at me thinking that poor nerdy man, he gets so many bloody noses. Everyone felt really bad anyways. An old Jewish woman even helped me get the blood out of the cuffs of my clown suit.

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Speaking of the race card, you may have noticed that my recent exploits were on the front page of The Times, "Serial Killer Terrorizes Tri-State Area." The excitement of my new-found celebrity was short lived, however, when I read the accompanying article. Sure, I was a little peeved they failed to notice that I was throwing joggers off the 59th Street bridge, but this is what really got me: "An NYPD team of forensic psychologists has released the following profile: White male, late twenties or early thirties, of limited physical strength, probably gay."

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"White male". So a black man can shoot a liquor store clerk with a 9 millimeter, but an entire school bus of 2nd graders ends up hanging from the rafters of St. Patrick's Cathedral and the suspect is automatically some squirrelly white guy who lives with his mother. I suppose if I started beating people to death with fried chickens they'd start looking for serial killers in the unemployment office. The racism in this society is sickening. I'm almost ashamed to be an American.

Ok, enough crying over spilt milk. All in all I can't complain too much about this week. Work was ok. It was my turn to buy lunch for the office and I forgot that Jan in Accounting is allergic to peanuts. Almost got to put another notch on my belt, =). Dr. Steve said it wouldn't have counted though... Speaking of which, do you guys think I should keep a running tally of victims, or is that hokey? I'll try to get a voting appellate up in the next day or two.

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