We've all read the headlines about Nintendo and their so-called original characters: "Boy, 7, takes hallucinogenic mushrooms, horrifically kills turtles." "Girl in elaborate space suit, 13, murders 'space pirates' (Burger King employees) with freeze ray." "Brother and sister, age 9 and 12, eat area residents and absorb their abilities." "Local youngster wears faggy green hat and sword fights giant pig to obtain Triforce of power." Tragic.
Edge: XBOX 360
Say what you will about how Sony has aggressively marketed its PlayStation systems — the proof has been in the hours of fun that they've provided to kids everywhere, making the world safe for parents to quietly have sex behind the basement water heater. The PlayStation 3 is no exception to the rule, with a new feature called the Total Immersion Laser. It neutralizes all brain activity for the period of time the kid is in front of the console so you can be happy in the throes of coitus and your kid will be joyfully, unconsciously wasting his childhood away. It's win-win.
Microsoft has made some missteps in the development and rollout of both of its video game consoles. Playback of the DVD and HD-DVD video components of the Xbox consoles have been spotty and rumors have floated around about AC adapters that heat up to the point of melting. The newest rumor about the 360 could be its ultimate downfall. Experts have hypothesized that, if not kept out of the reach of children, the console could be lethal if swallowed. In an act of sheer hubris, Microsoft still refuses to put a warning label on the 360.
With more of a focus on gameplay and less emphasis on powerful hardware, Nintendo has taken a calculated risk with its new system. Of special interest since its introduction is the new Wii controller — a remote that can be used to control on-screen action with motion rather than operating a pad or analog stick. Parents' and teachers' groups are up in arms over this, and they make a good point: Is physical activity any way to prepare our children for their futures in thankless service work and monotonous desk jobs? Shame, Nintendo.
Edge: PLAYSTATION 3
Here's a quick tip if you're considering getting your young one an online subscription: Don't. Have you ever seen what gets said on these online games? No, I don't mean it's vulgar or morally bankrupt or anything like that. It's just stupid. It's like it's specifically designed to make you stupid. I mean, "ownzorz j00?" What is that?
You know what's especially stupid? Saying shit like "noob," "lol," and "haxxor" out loud. That garbage is stupid enough typed out on a screen. Xbox Live: Fill your ears with idiocy.
And who thought it was a good idea to sell old NES games back to you 20 years later? You know, most kids would know that you can download pretty much the entire NES catalog and an emulator for free fairly easily, that is, if the other kids in their online games hadn't filled their heads with moronic gibberish.
And so, upon thorough investigation into which video game system reigns supreme, we've come to the conclusion that…they all suck. Hmm. Well, that didn't help much at all, did it?
Hey, why not just go buy a used Dreamcast or something at a game shop for like, 25 bucks and tell your kid it's whatever system the little shit wants? Just paint it black or something. Kids are stupid, they'll believe it. That way you'll have at least like, 300 bucks to waste on internet gambling and clothes you'll never wear.
And that's what's really important when it comes to family, right?
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