Honest Answers to Spam

As a real live national magazine, we get LOTS of electronic fan mail in our electronic mailbox. We've been offered trips, free money, panda research and some not so G-Rated services. In an effort to connect with some of our fans we decided to answer some of their mail on the national internet.

Hey Kelly,

Thanks for the invite. Couple things before we get to the content of your offer. Rule No. 1 of correspondence: If you put an asterisk in a message, you need to, you know, tell us what it means. If we here at CRACKED were writing something to you, we'd do it*.

It's especially important when the asterisk is next to the word "free." Because you're completely giving us the impression that we are going to be facing some kind of a catch, like, maybe the trip is free, but it's to a little-known town called "Disney" near Beirut, or that the only cost is

our very souls or we have to go in like, February, when they don't have any of the cool parades.

This is the monkey's paw of spam, Kelly. Stop fucking with us.

In all seriousness, this is the most retarded thing we've ever seen. Imagine the scruffy, behatted, rule-breaking clitoris that would understandably characterize a "Clit Eastwood," and you've pretty much just envisioned the most unattractive genitals in human history.

We have to go wretch now, we'll be right back.

Dear Dunbar,

Wow, what a nice greeting! And a happy day to you Dunbar!

It's certainly a good thing that you didn't insinuate that we CRACKED staffers are horribly obese, because that's a very sensitive-Hey! Wait a second!

Fatblaster?

Fatblaster, Dunbar?! We don't believe this shit! We are so fucking offended!

You know what? Maybe we don't want to "loose" that "unwanted weight." Maybe we want to keep it on a tight leash to hold onto it forever! And maybe then we'll use the leash for the sake of sadomasochistic sex and force you to watch us fat people do it! Asshole!

And don't think we didn't get that crack about the wind not serving either! Never e-mail us again, Dunbar!

Well, Trudy, we've been home every night this week, so evidently the loan approval department has been doing a pretty shitty job. So tell your loan approval department we don't approve of them.

Hahaha! Droll.

Anyway, this offer of yours sounds pretty great. By our calculations, we could be coming out, let's see, about $298,300 on top here. Paying around $700 for nearly $300,000 sounds like perfect business sense to us.

However, the assertion that this won't "last long" has a nurse with a poised needle vibe that concerns us. It makes it sound like this is going to be painful. Is that some kind of indication that the money will be injected into our bodies, perhaps? Or that you're going to shove it up our asses like some sort of financial rectal exam? If so, count us in.

We planned on taking that URL out of our reprinting of the e-mail, but it was impossible, because the company is called Panda Research.

Holy shit.

Count us the fuck in, brother. There is no possible way that this could be bad. Research on pandas? Awesome. Pandas dressed up in lab coats doing research? Double awesome. Being turned into a panda for the purposes of research? The best possible outcome ever.

Think about it. People are encouraging pandas to have sex all the time. And when they're not being encouraged to have sex, they just eat bamboo and sit around. Let's agree that pandas have the best lives ever.

Fuck family, friends and additional rewards-this panda thing is ours.

*See?

Check out more of Matt Wilson's stuff at "The MW Blog". If you're a spammer, you can e-mail him here.