As a real live national magazine, we get LOTS of electronic fan mail in our electronic mailbox. We've been offered trips, free money, panda research and some not so G-Rated services. In an effort to connect with some of our fans we decided to answer some of their mail on the national internet.
Thanks for the invite. Couple things before we get to the content of your offer. Rule No. 1 of correspondence: If you put an asterisk in a message, you need to, you know, tell us what it means. If we here at CRACKED were writing something to you, we'd do it*.
It's especially important when the asterisk is next to the word "free." Because you're completely giving us the impression that we are going to be facing some kind of a catch, like, maybe the trip is free, but it's to a little-known town called "Disney" near Beirut, or that the only cost is
our very souls
or we have to go in like, February
, when they don't have any of the cool parades.
This is the monkey's paw of spam, Kelly. Stop fucking with us.
In all seriousness, this is the most retarded thing we've ever seen. Imagine the scruffy, behatted, rule-breaking clitoris that would understandably characterize a "Clit Eastwood," and you've pretty much just envisioned the most unattractive genitals in human history.
We have to go wretch now, we'll be right back.
Wow, what a nice greeting! And a happy day to you Dunbar!
It's certainly a good thing that you didn't insinuate that we CRACKED staffers are horribly obese, because that's a very sensitive-Hey! Wait a second!
, Dunbar?! We don't believe this shit! We are so fucking offended
You know what? Maybe we don't want to "loose" that "unwanted weight." Maybe we want to keep it on a tight leash to hold onto it forever! And maybe then we'll use the leash for the sake of sadomasochistic sex and force you to watch us fat people do it
And don't think we didn't get that crack about the wind not serving either! Never e-mail us again, Dunbar!
Well, Trudy, we've been home every night this week, so evidently the loan approval department has been doing a pretty shitty job. So tell your loan approval department
we don't approve of them
Anyway, this offer of yours sounds pretty great. By our calculations, we could be coming out, let's see, about $298,300 on top here. Paying around $700 for nearly $300,000 sounds like perfect business sense to us.
However, the assertion that this won't "last long" has a nurse with a poised needle vibe that concerns us. It makes it sound like this is going to be painful. Is that some kind of indication that the money will be injected into our bodies, perhaps? Or that you're going to shove it up our asses like some sort of financial rectal exam? If so, count us in.