Bode's Talk vs. Bode's Walk

Bode Miller' comments about his rustic childhood and rebellious ways have made him a household name, but his performance at the Olympic games has been a disappointment. While the media was shocked by his failure to win a medal, friends of Miller know that he has a history of making outrageous comments and failing to deliver"¦


ON HIS CHILDHOOD IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

WHAT BODE SAID:
"Growing up, our house didn't have a roof. It didn't have walls either. All it had was windows-- windows made of blood and snow. I had to eat tree bark and gnomes every night for dinner because that's all we had. I survived off of dirt and pine needles for the first seven years of my life."

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:
Bode Miller's parents were both well-educated and extremely loving. Yes, they heated their house without electricity, but they still heated their house. How do we know? Because they didn't freeze to death.


ON HIS NEAR MARRIAGE

WHAT BODE SAID:
"Yeah, I'm pretty much going to marry the shit out of this broad. I mean, it's not like I even want to. I'll probably get blown by her sister during the wedding. I know it' not quote unquote CONVENTIONAL for the groom to get blown at the alter, but I wasn't made to live inside the narrow borders of your conventions. I grip it and rip it and leave it for dead."

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:
Miller spent three hours before the ceremony in a locked bathroom stall sobbing and complaining that he looked fat. Later, at the alter, instead of vows Miller read the lyrics to Jon Mayer's "Your Body Is a Wonderland," with his name inserted so that it read "Your Bode is a Wonderland." The bride and her friends immediately left the church laughing.


ON EATING PIZZA

WHAT BODE SAID:
"I can eat more pizza than anyone. Seriously. It doesn't even matter to me if you guys watch, but all I'm saying is that I can eat seventeen whole pizzas without using my hands. Not that it's even a competition, because it's not, because we're all here to represent America, but I know in my heart that I'm better than all of you."

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:
After two slices of "Hawaiian style" thin-crust pizza and one Dr. Pepper, Miller complained of severe stomach pains. Shortly thereafter, he vomited into his empty Dr. Pepper cup, yelling in an exaggerated fashion to get the attention of the two Italian teenagers hanging out in the otherwise empty Pizza Hut.


ON SKIING UNDER THE INFLUENCE

WHAT BODE SAID:
"Yeah, I've skied drunk. So what? Some of the other guys on the team did it with me. We were all tripping to the tips, man! I'm not going to name any names, but it was everyone else on the U.S. ski team."

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:
Marco Sullivan and the rest of the U.S. ski team convinced Miller that diet ginger ale was an alcoholic beverage. Said Sullivan, "Yeah. It's hilarious. We made up this saying 'tripping to the tips' and told him it was a cool thing to say and now he says it all the time. That guy's a fucking retard, man."



ON FALLING DOWN

WHAT BODE SAID:
"You know what? I could walk from this chair to that door without falling even once. I've walked through rooms hung-over before, and I'll do it again right now. Here we go."

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:
Fell down six times walking from the chair to the door, recovering miraculously twice. NBC's segment on Miller's tragic-yet-miraculous recoveries goes on to win a Peabody.


ON MEDIA ATTENTION

WHAT BODE SAID:
"All of this media attention has just been terribly draining. I'm glad the experience is behind me and I'm looking forward to going home and getting some sleep."

WHAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN:
Bode goes to his hotel room, falls asleep and shits the bed. Literally this time. Next fall, desperate to get back into the spotlight, he tries out for Celebrity Fit Club, but is cut when he goes on a diet ginger ale fueled rant about how cold LA gets at night.