The Best and Worst Euphemisms for Sex
We've all been there, we want to talk about the fine piece of tail we scored last night but we can't use the "sex" word because the boss might hear. Thank Christ for sex euphemisms. Here are the ones you should and shouldn't use and why.
The biggest problem with calling sex "doing it" is that it' just so vague. When you take the English language' chief present-tense verb for basically any type of action and combine it with a pronoun that can represent anything that doesn't have a gender, you end up with one nebulous euphemism. You could call kayaking "doing it." Or eating a sandwich. Or pissing on your best friend' face. Virtually anything could be "doing it." It essentially boils down to this: "Doing it" is the sex euphemism for cowards. When you want to say something that could possibly be construed as something other than sex, but which you can giggle after saying because you know what it means, that' when you say "doing it." Extra points taken off for being the title of that godawful LL Cool J song our friend' ex-girlfriend used to think went "doin' it and doin' it and doin' it, WOW!" Which, honestly, does make it better. Either way, we give "doing it" one out of four bases.
We do, however, like one bit of vaguery when it comes to our sexual euphemisms. If any term for sex can also be used as a euphemism for dancing, it' okay in our book. That' the beauty of "gettin' busy." In addition, the term goes beyond describing sex as simply a primal, physical act. It requires concentration, skill and attention. One must hone in their abilities and get busy with the work ahead of them. Sex is not merely an act of pleasure; it is an act of pleasuring. Because of this, we, one and all, must truly "get busy."
Honestly, this is just fun to say. Say it out loud. Come on. "Coitus." "Coooooitus." "Co-i-tus." Honestly, we're not sure there' any Latin-y, scientific-sounding word that is a more perfect descriptor for sex. There' just something about it that' seductive but also kind of dirty. If there' any problem with it, it may be that for whatever reason it sounds like a word that might describe a snake: "It' coitus and ready to strike!" but, considering the fact that the male genitals are so often compared to just such a creature, I guess it' appropriate. Anyway, coitus. Hurray coitus! A solid triple.
A BIT OF THE OLE IN 'N' OUT
This is a terrific euphemism, mainly because it reminds us of two awesome movies. One, obviously, is A Clockwork Orange, which, well, is where it came from. It ranks right up there with "ultra violence" and "I'm selling magaziiines!" as quotes that we will repeat from that movie until we're dead. But the term also always reminds us of The Big Lebowski, only because we immediately make the connection with In-n-Out Burger, which leads us to remember that scene where they're eating In-n-Out Burgers in the Dude' car after Walter smashes up that kid' car. So really, our appreciation of the phrase has essentially nothing to do with sex.
THE BEAST WITH TWO BACKS
Seriously, is there any way to make sex less attractive than this? "The beast with two backs?" It sounds like something a hobbit would find in a cave and have to answer a riddle to get past. We can't imagine anyone actually getting more aroused after hearing this euphemism, unless fucking trolls or rancors or whatever is their thing, in which case they should probably be institutionalized. No bases.
Oh, scratch what we wrote for the last one. This is the most unattractive description of sex, clearly. And insulting. How dare anyone refer to our junks as ugly? We happen to think they're quite lovely, when dressed appropriately or when we draw little faces on them. And even so, we're not too turned on by the idea of slamming our genitalia, however attractive it may be, against the unappealing genitals of someone else. Honestly, conjure up a mental picture for "ugly vagina." Yeah, we bet you wanted to see that. Now you can understand why this euphemism receives two negative bases. (Don't question the possibility of negative bases.)
Read more of Matt's writing on The MW Blog.