Who is cooler than James Bond? Okay, besides Fonzie. The cinematic James Bond is an ageless icon of cool who always says and does the right thing, wears the right clothes, drives the right car, and never, never sacrifices his dignity regardless of the situation… except when he does.
Live and Let Die
Sadly, many Bond films are marred by the inclusion of scenes that are so daft, so uncool, that they grab you by the frontal lobe and jerk you out of enjoying the film. Let’s take a look at the 007 lamest moments in James Bond history, shall we?
doesn’t just embrace lameness, it gropes and French kisses lameness with vodka breath and then vomits in lameness’s bed. Roger Moore’s first Bond film has a profoundly un-Bondian moment: the infamous alligator hopscotch scene.
Bond, who has been captured by Evil Black People, is taken to a swampy alligator farm chock full of hungry reptiles. The bad guys forget that they have guns and instead opt for the 100% organic approach to killing Bond – namely, the alligators. They conveniently leave Bond alone (how could he possibly
escape?) and that’s when things get wacky.
Whether out of sheer chance or in response to an Aquaman-like telepathic command from Bond, all the alligators arrange themselves in a neat line in the water. Bond then traipses across the gator chorus line to safety. Dude doesn’t even get wet. It’s a great stunt, but it belongs in a different movie:
There are those who feel that all of the Sean Connery Bond films are beyond reproach simply because The One True Bond is in them. These people are stupid. In You Only Live Twice
, Bond must blend in with the locals during a mission to Japan, so he slaps on a kimono, a little bit of make-up, gets a Romulan hair style and voila! Instant Japanese.
Or not. The audience is asked to accept that the strapping six foot Scotsman can actually pass as an Asian, and—even harder—is asked not to giggle during every close up shot. Freakish red haired comedian Carrot Top would make a more convincing Japanese dude. Lame, Bond-san.
The Man with the Golden Gun
is widely regarded as the worst James Bond movie by people who have never seen A View to a Kil
l. The low point of the film occurs when Bond pursues the tri-nippled villain Scaramanga (Christopher “Dracula” Lee) and his sidekick Herve “Tattoo” Villechaize through the Thai countryside. A little trivia for you: in Thailand the film’s title was The Man with Three Golden Nipples
Anyway, Scaramanga drives off in an AMC Matador, and in order to give chase, Bond jacks an AMC Hornet from a Bangkok showroom. Coincidentally, the superhumanly annoying redneck sheriff J.W. Pepper from
Live and Let Die
happens to be at the Bangkok AMC dealer and is about to test drive the Hornet when Bond steals the car with him in it. What are the odds? Actually, many Americans travel to low-overhead Southeast Asia to buy automobiles, so this scene makes perfect sense.
Bond and Pepper pursue Dracula and Tattoo in what may be the greatest AMC vs. AMC car chase ever put to film—and that is saying something. Sheriff Pepper offers color commentary throughout the chase, which is really distracting because every time he speaks you want to stab your ears with a chopstick. The sequence climaxes with a spectacular corkscrew jump over a canal, a great stunt that is utterly ruined by the inclusion of a kooky slide whistle sound effect. What the hell were they thinking? “Great jump, but you know what it needs? More slide whistle.”
How does the chase end? Scaramanga’s AMC Matador grows wings and flies away. No, really.
Sometimes a secret agent has to improvise.
In The Living Daylights
, Timothy Dalton rescues a foxy cellist from bad guys on a snow covered mountain by using her cello case as a sled and her priceless antique instrument as a rudder. Sure, it gets the job done, but couldn’t the film makers have given him a cooler sled, like a big sombrero or a