A Surprisingly Implausible Red Dawn Soviet Occupation of American Soil

Okay, so it isn't technically the end of the world. But hell, in an alternate timeline that conceivably precludes the creation of both specialty Internet pornography and Kelly Clarkson, is existence really worth it? Regardless, the Soviets are here, and, thanks to a strange twist of events and an overreaching scriptwriter, you and your high school buddies are the last line of defense.

So forget for a second that, unless the United States military suddenly developed a crippling vulnerability to homemade vodka and dead livestock, a post-1980 Russian invasion was about as likely as the Ewok' victory at the end of Jedi. You're about to become a true-blue American hero, and your girlfriend is a pre-nose job Jennifer Grey. Things are looking pretty good, not counting the whole "end of the American way of life as we know it" bit. Go Wolverines!

Further Research: Just as enthralling as any fictional account of communist infiltration is the real paranoid two-stepping America did around the issue throughout most of the '50s and '60s. For real entertainment value, check out Joe McCarthy' scenery-chewing turn as a man on a mission of freedom in the McCarthy Hearings.

Are large, menacing craft of unearthly construct suddenly appearing everywhere? Does their invasion strategy seem based around destroying famous landmarks in scenes of budget-wrecking pyrotechnics? Well, probe my anus, it's…

A Poorly Thought Out Independence Day Alien Invasion

A Geologically Catastrophic Armageddon

"Damn, we're kick-ass. You know, it took us a few hundred thousand years, but I think we've finally got this whole dominant species act figured out. Hey, what' that up there in the-" That, according to the most recent archaeological records, was the last recorded LiveJournal entry of the Cretaceous period. It was by a Stegosaurus. His favorite band was Fall Out Boy, and his current mood was listed as "quixotic."

But we digress. The point is, as stable as our planet may seem, statisticians with large government grants have proven that there is, at any given moment, a 73 percent chance that a massive geological disaster will wipe out life as we know it before week' end. Luckily, though, there' usually a plucky cast of slumming A-list celebrities with a plan. A plan that is so crazy, so scientifically complex (but, luckily, explainable through idiotically simple metaphor) that it just might work. Still, beyond betting the future of the species on a guy who' had his personal assistant tie his shoes for the past 10 years, opt out of that time-share in Miami and head for the Midwest. Don't worryâ€"chances are, you'll have that waterfront property back soon enough.

Further Research: Both The Day After Tomorrow and Deep Impact feature plenty of over-the-top images of nature kicking the shit out of humanity. However, for real entertainment, check out The Core, in which Hilary Swank mustâ€"wait for it—restart the center of the Earth. By nuking it.

Hey, don't look at us—science is science.