Oh no! They blew up the White House! How will we ever function without the effective and intelligent leadership of our executive branch? What extremely integral segment of our civic leadership will these monsters attack next? Mount Rushmore?
Don't worry. It' fine that you're not mourning our nation' losses, and instead secretly rejoicing that you probably won't have to file another tax return for the better part of a decade. Oh, and extinction of the human race? Fuhgeddaboudit. Whether it' not getting a flu shot, forgetting to upgrade from Windows '95, or (it' even embarrassing to write) being water soluble, seemingly invincible alien invaders always have some hideously glaring Achilles' Heel. So cancel the vacation to your major monument of choice, count to 42, and don't panic—everything will resolve itself in an appropriately ludicrous fashion soon enough.
Further Research: Although invaders range from the poorly vaccinated (War of the Worlds) to the hydrophobic (Signs), the most genius (maybe even plausible) are our cosmic neighbors in Mars Attacks, and their unique vulnerability to yodeling.
Is the weatherman calling for cloudy skies with a chance of large, existence-ending hunks of rock? Does Earth suddenly seem less like a tender mother, and more like your girlfriend on day three? Is Bruckheimer producing? Holy tent-pole flick, Batman, it's…
A Geologically Catastrophic Armageddon
"Damn, we're kick-ass. You know, it took us a few hundred thousand years, but I think we've finally got this whole dominant species act figured out. Hey, what' that up there in the-" That, according to the most recent archaeological records, was the last recorded LiveJournal entry of the Cretaceous period. It was by a Stegosaurus. His favorite band was Fall Out Boy, and his current mood was listed as "quixotic."
But we digress. The point is, as stable as our planet may seem, statisticians with large government grants have proven that there is, at any given moment, a 73 percent chance that a massive geological disaster will wipe out life as we know it before week' end. Luckily, though, there' usually a plucky cast of slumming A-list celebrities with a plan. A plan that is so crazy, so scientifically complex (but, luckily, explainable through idiotically simple metaphor) that it just might work. Still, beyond betting the future of the species on a guy who' had his personal assistant tie his shoes for the past 10 years, opt out of that time-share in Miami and head for the Midwest. Don't worryÃ¢â‚¬"chances are, you'll have that waterfront property back soon enough.
Further Research: Both The Day After Tomorrow and Deep Impact feature plenty of over-the-top images of nature kicking the shit out of humanity. However, for real entertainment, check out The Core, in which Hilary Swank mustÃ¢â‚¬"wait for it—restart the center of the Earth. By nuking it.
Hey, don't look at us—science is science.