Spring Movie Preview
February 10th 2006
The Pink Panther
IN A NUTSHELLSteve Martin reprises Peter Sellers' classic role as a bumbling, kindhearted inspector who digs up Peter Sellers' corpse and anally violates it in front of filmgoers nationwide.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because if you wanted to watch someone fall down for an hour and a half straight, you could go to a bus stop, spin retarded people around and save ten dollars.
Curious George
IN A NUTSHELL Curious George is a curious little monkey. Further details not already explained by the film' title are most likely redundant.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Following hot on the heels of Bewitched and Kicking and Screaming, Curious George is the final nail in the coffin of Will Ferrell' credibility as a relevant comedian, and possibly the third stop on Captain Ferrell' Money Train to I-Stopped-Caring Acres.
Final Destination 3
IN A NUTSHELLA third group of foxy, big-breasted teens escape the clutches of Death, only to learn he' hunting them for sport.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because they've made the same movie three goddamn times now, and your memory recall hasn't been obliterated by concussion grenades.
February 17th 2006
Date Movie
IN A NUTSHELLRomantic comedies get their comeuppance by the same comedy team who dared to satirize Scream, which, like romantic comedies, was already a comedy.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Comedies getting laughs sending up films that were already intended to be funny is like someone making fun of The Daily Show for resembling a news show. It turns out the joke was already there, and you were too stupid to get it.
Doctor Dolittle 3
IN A NUTSHELLEddie Murphy has the ability to both talk to computer-generated animals and ignore his agent.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
are to as are to
March 17th 2006
She's the Man
IN A NUTSHELLA teenage girl disguises herself as her twin brother so she can play soccer at his private boarding school. Nobody notices, because CHICKS RULE! Rampant homophobia disguised as jokes ensue when she falls in love with a boy, but get this, he digs the ladies! She makes a pass at him anyway and he murders her.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because its message—that cross-dressing schoolgirls are just as good as boys at private school transvestite sports until they succumb to their forbidden passions—is really only applicable to the sorts of freaks who we maybe shouldn't be encouraging to succeed. Plus, if the film's message is true, then the Olympics are run by fascists who separate men's and women's sports because they love the taste of teen girl tears, not self-evident physical gender differences.
V for Vendetta
IN A NUTSHELLAn ex-mental patient builds a terrorist cell in dystopian future Britain, commits murder and blows up government buildings with the help of a bald-headed Natalie Portman. Luckily the terrorism's completely inapplicable to real life, since in this fictional scenario, they only do it because the government lies. That sound you just heard was 10,000 impressionable trenchcoat-wearing outcasts cocking their semi-automatic rifles, by the way.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and From Hell already proved there isn't a subtle, textured Alan Moore graphic novel in existence that can't be turned into a feature-length Hollywood film about a farting donkey CEO on roller skates switching places with a pantsless Rob Schneider... with outrageous results!
March 31st 2006
Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction
IN A NUTSHELLA Scotland Yard detective is led into a deadly game of seduction by Sharon Stone, who once agains lets America know she likes showing us her labia. David Caruso and Eric Roberts confound the planet by not co-starring in this piece of shit.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
There are cheaper, less publicly humiliating ways to see a sixty-year-old woman show you her pussy in front of strangers. Slip Renee Russo a fiver, for one.
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
IN A NUTSHELLA plucky band of prehistoric animals learn about sharing and teamwork while surviving a second Ice Age. Or the same Ice Age. Or who honestly cares.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because the comedy stylings of Ray Romano and Denis Leary are like the great taste of peanut butter and chocolate. Bland, nasally peanut butter and chain-smoking, irritating chocolate that' not as funny as it thinks it is.
A Scanner Darkly
IN A NUTSHELLIn the future, a fantastic new drug gives people Multiple Personality Disorder, so naturally it sells like hotcakes. Renegade loose cannon cop Keanu Reeves must overcome his annoying, monotoned stupidity to stop blah blah blah BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM click.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Once you strip away the neat-o "They made real life look like a cartoon!" visual effect, you'll realize you just paid good money to watch a Poor Man' Strange Days starring planks of wood Keanu Reeves and Woody Harrelson, and you'll never ever stop hating yourself.
April 7th 2006
The Benchwarmers
IN A NUTSHELLHere's the plot from Old School: Three good friends in their early thirties make up for missed opportunities by joining a fraternity, and prove you're only as young as you feel. Now replace "fraternity" with "little league team" and WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because "It's like ______ meets ______!" should only work at pitch meetings when you're actually combining two different films. Also because if we don't put our foot down eventually, Rob Schneider will continue to mistake our silence for indifference, and one day in the future, when you least expect it, you'll have to watch
April 14th 2006
Scary Movie 4
IN A NUTSHELLAnything that enjoyed 15 minutes of pop culture fame in the last six months is once again trotted out for the Scary Movie franchise so it can slip on a banana peel into a wheelbarrow full of donkey poop. If you like pointing at a screen and saying "I remember that film and/or scandal!", welcome to your Graceland.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because you, unlike species of mollusks and tree shrews, have the capacity for abstract thought and reason. If you actually need a reason to hate this movie, call 1-808-BAD-GENE immediately, so the U.S. Department of Defective Gene Control can sterilize you in your sle--
I mean send you free candy.
April 28th 2006
Flight 93
IN A NUTSHELLA band of heroic, inspiring passengers take back their plane from deadly brown-skinned people in an effort to stop a 9/11 terrorist attack.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Turning 9/11 into the equivelent of a Not Without My Daughter-esque Movie of the Week is sort of like performing a late-80's power ballad about Holocaust victims called "Rock the F--kin' Night!" or "(Why Can't I) Get Over U?". Yes, you technically could. But A) you're not helping, and B) if we catch you doing it, we're legally allowed to bash you in the genitals with a guitar until you can't breed.
RV
IN A NUTSHELLRobin Williams takes a belligerent dysfunctional family that detests him on a cross-country road trip, and they learn valuable lessons about Robin Williams leaving them all to die in the desert.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Why not?
May 5th 2006
Mission: Impossible III
IN A NUTSHELLAmerica's answer to the question "What would crazy look like if it was short and nailed Katie Holmes?", Tom Cruise, reprises his role as Special Agent Ethan Hunt, making the world safe from possible missions one day at a time.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
A third installment of a franchise based on a television show based on other spy franchise movies is a lot like photocopying a photocopy of a photocopy of a cupcake, balling it up and eating it while I smack you for being so fucking stupid.
May 12th 2006
Poseidon
IN A NUTSHELLA ship turns upside down. Holy fuck! In this remake of 1972's The Poseidon Adventure, a big boat goes tits-up after a tidal wave hits it. Kurt Russell, Richard Dreyfuss and a dozen other people most of us assumed had already died in a boat tragedy decades ago star. Feel free to make as many "sinking ship" analogies to their careers as you'd like. I'll wait.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Actually, the idea of watching Richard Dreyfuss trapped in a death-ship, clawing futiley at the hull in desperation, sounds like a lot of fun. If Hollywood would finally buy my script treatments James Garner Locked in a Burning Car and Richard Grieco Asphyxiating in an Industrial Strength Garbage Bag, we could make this baby a trilogy.
May 19th 2006
The Da Vinci Code
IN A NUTSHELLTom Hanks stars as a rich, world-famous art historian who uncovers a mystery that could shake the planet to its core: that art history majors don't actually grow up to be rich or world-famous.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Making a suspense thriller that hinges entirely on a secret that, with some eight bazillion copies of Da Vinci Code in print, everybody already knows, might strike some as ridiculously needless. Ironically, these would be the people who were smart enough to avoid this poorly-written potboiler in the first place.
May 26th 2006
X3
IN A NUTSHELLThe X-Men try to beat up former teammate Jean Grey, who, Jesus-like, has risen from the dead and, Jesus-like, is hurling psi-bolts at innocent people. Frasier Crane and a GAP model with wings (right) agree to help out for some free sandwiches.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Any film that's ploughed through this many directors, producers, writers and scripts before a single frame of film was shot should tell you something: Woo! Best installment ever, probably! Extra bonus hatred can be directed at Halle Berry, who refused to star in this third installment unless given a gratuitous love subplot with Hugh Jackman; and Hugh Jackman, who refused to star in this third installment unless he could pretend Berry was James "Cyclops" Marsden while kissing her.
(Oh come on, you so know he is.)
