We've been writing our weekly movie review column for CRACKED for more than twenty years without a hiccup, but this week presented us with situation that can best be described as "a real pickle." Sitting on our desk to review was a screener for the comedy The Ten (which opens August 3rd). It sounded familiar to us and, after a quick keyword search on our Treos, we realized why: Jonathan produced The Ten and Ken wrote, produced, and starred in it. Needless to say, we couldn't be fair and objective about The Ten. We needed to farm it out to unbiased reviewers, people unconnected to the film whose opinions we trust.
Jon's Mom: This is our first guest column as movie reviewers, though we've always considered ourselves amateur critics..."
Ken's Mom: About everything!
Jon's Mom: "... so we were quite honored to be asked to watch The Ten on this new DVD format.
Ken's Mom: What will they think of next? Remote control toasters???
Jon's Mom: And as August 3rd roles around, we predict that the sleeper hit of the season will be our sons' new movie picture The Ten.
Ken's Mom: Directed by Kenny's Jewish friend, David Wain. David also did some other shows I don't fully understand. Wet Hot American Summer, The State, Stella.
Jon's Mom: You know my Jonathan is Jewish too, don't you?
Ken's Mom: Wow! That's so unusual. Jews making a movie!
Jon's Mom: I guess we've finally broken through that glass ceiling.
Ken's Mom: Unlike Mel Gibson, I'm actually quite fond of the Jews. They've been very gracious to my Kenny over the years. They even let him golf with them once.
Jon's Mom: The Ten is loosely inspired by The Ten Commandments-as presented specifically to the Jews over a hundred years ago-and stars Paul Rudd, Winona Ryder, Famke Janssen, Adam Brody"...
Ken's Mom: ...And the very handsome and underused Ken Marino, plus Liev Schreiber, Rob Corddry, Gretchen Mol, Oliver Platt and Jessica Alba. And produced by Jon Stern. He's such a nice boy.
Jon's Mom: Not always. When I used to change his diaper, he'd go pee-pee straight across the room. And I remember this other time he murdered a nun. But you smack them around and after awhile they start to behave.
Ken's Mom: Amen sister!
Jon's Mom: [hands in the air] Can I get a witness!
Ken's Mom: We were actually able to sneak a peek at this film at this year's Sundance Film Festival. I wasn't crazy about the cold weather but when you only have one son you make sacrifices. Even if he wouldn't do the same for you.
Jon's Mom: Also we thought we might catch a little Redford eye candy.
Ken's Mom: Bobby Redford is the only man I would let make whoopee with me in public.
Jon's Mom: Holler Girl! You know what they say about Bobby, don't you? He's our generation's Uncle Miltie.
Ken's Mom: And not just because they both dress up as women! It's because they both are known for having enormously large penises.
[Jon's mom winks at Ken's mom. They have a laugh and another shot of Frangelico]
Ken's Mom: In fact, we were at The Ten premiere on Sundance's opening weekend.
Jon's Mom: Not that we're complaining, but we'd been waiting outside with hundreds of other fans, praying to get in on standby.
Ken's Mom: When Jon and Ken noticed us, they immediately sent over their faggy intern to pull us out of the line and get us in the standing area in the back of the theater. Seemed like most of the powerful Jews got all the good seats.
Jon's Mom: We'd been hearing the buzz on this film for weeks. It was easily the hottest ticket at Sundance... said Jon.
Ken's Mom: After watching it that night, we had to admit: the hype was well justified. And I'm not saying this because my son was heavily involved with the making of this "Talkie" but rather because this film is riddled with hot broads.
Jon's Mom: The audience was in hysterics, but no one was roaring more than our sons-which is really saying something, considering that they managed to show up not stoned for once in their life.
Ken's Mom: It's a brilliant and fresh comedy, with top-notch performances and production values that left us wanting more ... said Ken.
Jon's Mom: As we listened to the irrepressible Q&A afterwards, we both knew this film would definitely make our "Recommend" list.
Ken's Mom: The two of us have had our differences over the years. Plenty of them!-Men In Black, Men in Black 2, Men in Black 3, Tron. Which makes it even more noteworthy that on this film, we both agree.
Robert Redford: Say ladies, I have a little ranch over past that swag lounge there. Whaddya say we take a dip in my outdoor hot tub?
Ken's Mom: If by "take a dip" you mean "look at your penis" and if by "outdoor hot tub" you mean "watch CSI: Miami" then... Hell I'm in!
[They all do another shot of Frangelico]
Jon's Mom:The Ten! In theaters August 3rd!
Ken's Mom: Go see it, Jackass!
Let us pitch you a sitcom ...
Some people in entertainment don't even bother trying to come up with fresh ideas.
These stories are so weird we're not even sure Hollywood would touch them.