It' the question on every child' mind this time of year: Do my parents really hate me, or are they just saying that? Luckily, Christmas provides ample clues as to the feelings your parents secretly harbor. If you received any of the following gifts, you better run away before your father gets drunk again:

Xbox 359

Defective Tivo that only records Suddenly Susan reruns

That kitten you asked for six years ago-- in its current, partially decomposed state

A live hand grenade

Blood Work-not the Clint Eastwood thriller, but a full battery of medical tests that require the withdrawal of blood

A hard-learned lesson in the value of a dollar

Subscription to Metro, the free subway paper

"Nurse Me Through Heroin Withdrawal" Elmo

Sweater from the GAP that went out of style back when "Tickle Me Elmo" jokes were still funny

New York Times best seller, Your Parents are Just Not That Into You

A sensible pair of slacks

Cleveland Subway System Train Set


Internship at Canoe Livery

Legend, the Bob Marley album that you've had since the seventh grade

Graph paper

MACE body spray

Sex tape of your conception w/ director commentary from your creepy Uncle Sal

Gift certificate to J. Crew

Sex and the City DVD and Sex-Pun Translator


Shoney's gift basket

Female condom, without instructions

Adopted mile of highway named after your father's nickname for you

Day at Epcot with Mario Cantone

Brief alcohol-induced fit of affection


60 GB Video iPod box filled with coal-- fake coal.

Girls Gone Talkative and Emotional video

Restraining order


Exacto knife, medical guide, puppy with brain tumor

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