It' the question on every child' mind this time of year: Do my parents really hate me, or are they just saying that? Luckily, Christmas provides ample clues as to the feelings your parents secretly harbor. If you received any of the following gifts, you better run away before your father gets drunk again:
Defective Tivo that only records Suddenly Susan
That kitten you asked for six years ago-- in its current, partially decomposed state
A live hand grenade
Blood Work-not the Clint Eastwood thriller, but a full battery of medical tests that require the withdrawal of blood
A hard-learned lesson in the value of a dollar
Subscription to Metro
, the free subway paper
"Nurse Me Through Heroin Withdrawal" Elmo
Sweater from the GAP that went out of style back when "Tickle Me Elmo" jokes were still funnyNew York Times
best seller, Your Parents are Just Not That Into You
A sensible pair of slacks
Cleveland Subway System Train Set
Internship at Canoe LiveryLegend
, the Bob Marley album that you've had since the seventh grade
MACE body spray
Sex tape of your conception w/ director commentary from your creepy Uncle Sal
Gift certificate to J. CrewSex and the City
DVD and Sex-Pun Translator
Shoney's gift basket
Female condom, without instructions
Adopted mile of highway named after your father's nickname for you
Day at Epcot with Mario Cantone
Brief alcohol-induced fit of affection
60 GB Video iPod box filled with coal-- fake coal. Girls Gone Talkative and Emotional
Exacto knife, medical guide, puppy with brain tumor
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