How to Blend in With Your Local Gang

Know Your Gang Hand Signs -by Roger Barr by: Roger Barr

Gangs. Let's face it, they're out there and they're much tougher than you. How do I know this? It's quite simple: do you think a gang member would be reading a comedic article on the internet? No, a gang member would stand behind you, bust a cap in your crown, steal your precious little computer and then give it a tattoo or spray some graffiti on it to claim it as his own. You just turned around too, didn't you? That's because you're afraid. A gang member wouldn't even bother to turn around because he knows no fool would be stupid enough to fuck with him. You see what I'm talking about? You starting to get the picture? Good.

Now while gangs are indeed be tougher than you, it doesn't mean you need to become another statistic should you run into one. You see, gang members have ways of communicating with each other by the use of hand signs and gestures. If you try talking to a gang member, they're not gonna hear anything but, "I'm a rich chump, please shoot me in the face." But if you know their hand symbols as a second language, you might be able to communicate with 'em and save your ass. And just how can you learn these intricate hand symbols?

Well my friends, after spending years undercover in some of the most notorious gangs on earth, I believe I have finally mastered their amazing hand symbols. Today, I'm going to share some of those signs and their meanings with you, and maybe... just maybe they'll save your life if you run into a gang.

"Oh hey, are you the valet parking guys?"

"I agree wholeheartedly! Picasso was a bitch who ain't got nothin' on modern graffiti!"

"I just loooove that pattern in your bandana. What kind of fabric is that? Silk? Chenille? Velvet? Fleece? Wool? I must know!"  

"I'm a level 256 Elvin Wizard in D&D, so don't fuck with me or I'll have to unleash the powers of sorcery upon you and your horde!"

"I think the original Van Halen lineup is gonna get back together any day now!"

"If rectal burning continues, consult your physician."

"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

"If you're interested, I know a guy who'll perform a sex-change operation for HALF the price of what a normal doctor would charge!"

"Did you see Schindler's List? Man, some of those naked chicks were HOT!"

"Say, are any of you into stamp collecting?"

"My esophageal fortitude is matched only by my testicular irascibility."

"Pat Robertson is my homeboy."

"That was delicious! May I please have another serving of porridge?"

"Come my brethren! Let us live off the land and give back to Mother Earth!"


"You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?"

"In exchange for letting me live, I will allow you to keep the first kidney stone I pass through my urinary tract. It's a modern Rumplestiltskin story!"

"Glock or Cock - you boys are gonna eat one of 'em today. The choice is yours."

"Check please."

"And that my friends, is how a nail can be driven through a piece of wood when enough pressure is applied. It's simple physics really."

Pretty amazing that simple hand gestures can say so much huh? Well I hope this has been most educational for all of you. Study them. Learn them. KNOW them. Once you have done this, you'll be that much safer should you ever dare to leave the confines of your parent's basement and venture out into the real world.

Props to the West side. Props to the East side. Props to the North-East side. Props to the South-West side. To the sides that we left out... tough shit, you don't get no props.

We here at CRACKED are only affiliated with one gang:  Kool and The Gang.