It' graduation time, and you know what that means: off to war! However, those flat-footed few not joining your eligible brethren overseas will be forced to join the workforce. And while your main competition for jobs will be cowards, communists and the occasional woman, it is still advisable to be prepared to clear the first professional hurtle you'll face: the job interview.
There are three basic ways to prepare to make a good first impression: (1) studying up on the company ahead of time, (2) grooming yourself into a state of intense sexual desirability and (3) preparing a professional looking resume. Before you head into your interview, put your resume to this stringent three-step test.
Correct answer: C. Alternating the font you use so that each letter presents a new and exciting surprise shows that you know your way around a computer and reminds your interviewer of a ransom note. Translation: you're in charge here.
2. Your resume should be printed using:
Correct answer:C. Nothing makes you stand out from the pack and communicates how badly you need health insurance more than self-mutilation.
3. Your resume should be printed on this kind of paper:
Correct answer: C (again). Talk about an attention grabber! While the resume will most likely have disintegrated by the time your interviewer stomps out the fire, his curiosity will certainly be piqued, although it will quickly subside when he looks out his shattered window to see you standing in the parking lot with a lighter and a can of WD-40. How did you get the brick through his 47th-floor window? You're a go-getter, that's how.
Now that you've gotten your interviewer's attention, what should your resume actually say? You don't want to appear braggadocios but at the same time you need to "sell" yourself, meaning convince the interviewer to overlook your lengthy juvenile delinquency record.
One should always go into an interview in a state of intense paranoia. A handy rule of thumb: any hostile thought you can imagine running through the interviewer' mind should be assumed valid and engaged.
Also, it's best to deprive yourself of all forms of sexual gratification for as many years as possible in advance of the interview. This technique is known on the street either as "The Jake Lamotta" or "Greg Gumbeling."
Be sure to have a defense prepared for any weak spots like your low class rank or the soft, fleshy spot under your jaw that you sometimes leave prone during knife fights.
It's important that you not be afraid to ask questions. For example, "Is it always this fucking cold in here?" is a good one. Additionally, the following inquiries will show the potential employer that you have a keen and curious intellect
NOTE: While these are declarations more than they are questions, this will clue your prospective employer in to your virility.
Congratulations! By now, you have successfully obtained your dream job. Feel free to print out and send this handy advice document to other recent graduates who might be looking for a job. And remember-always fill your printer with blood instead of ink!
The flow of time is cruel to us all.